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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
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WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2002
Fate of last available parking space debated
By Brandon Gay
Kansan satire writer
The University of Kansas is trying to determine the fate of the last remaining parking space on campus.
The parking space, located in front of Strong Hall, was discovered Tuesday by anthropology professor Max Miller.
"I was just walking down Jayhawk Boulevard. And I saw this gap between the cars," Miller said. "I hadn't seen anything like that since the late sixties. At first I didn't know what it was."
Miller said he then realized it was a thought-to-be-extinct parking phenomenon known as a "parking space."
By account of eyewitnesses, Miller then shouted "Eureka!" and ran to the nearest blue phone to notify authorities.
The University quickly roped off the cement slab to preserve its natural state until a decision could be made on what to do with it.
The proposals include giving the space to the most needy student or organization as determined by a committee, roping off the space as an exhibit or using the space for metered parking.
"I think it would be totally wrong for us to squander this rarity by allowing someone to put their car on top of it," said Dan Yates, Topeka sophomore, who was one of the thousands of students who stopped to admire the space on his way to class yesterday morning.
"We need to preserve our precious parking
heritage," Yates said. "If we found a dodo bird on campus, would we kill it?"
Physics professor Arthur Jenson said that while parking spaces were extremely rare, there was a simple scientific explanation for their occurrence.
"A six to eight foot gap between cars, most commonly referred to as a parking space, occurs when one car leaves a parking space and another car does not immediately fill it," Jenson said.
"The chances of someone finding one of these at the University of Kansas is similar to the chances of a left-handed 22-year-old male nondrinker with the West Nile Virus getting struck by lightening on his birthday while reading Oprah's magazine. So, this is really quite a find."
Max Miller, anthropology professor, drops his bag in disbelief upon discovering a parking spot on campus.
Zach Straus/Kansan
Area schools Graves find 'Less is More'
By Robert Perkins and Ian Ostrander
Kansan scribe writers
This week Governor Bill Graves unveiled a new proposal to alleviate funding difficulties in Kansas public schools.
Graves claims that the new proposal will trim the fat out of the budget by eliminating frivolous
Graves claims that trim the fat out of it such frivolous expenses as teachers, classes and materials. His plan has been named the "more with less" approach, which refers to the idea that more students can be funded with less money.
However some believe that the funding for schools had been cut for too long and that as classrooms get larger with the influx of a new generation, the quality of education will go down.
"Bigger classes mean that there will be more of these bright students to provide help to others."
Bill Graves Kansas governor
Graves said that academic achievement would rise with the new plan, and kids would work better in larger groups and essentially "teach themselves."
Zach Straus/Kansan
"Yeah, I never would have passed chem lab without that nerdy kid in my group." Graves said. "Bigger classes mean that there will be more of these bright students to provide help to others. And better yet, they work for free."
Graves also said that the state motto would be changed from "To the stars through difficulties" to "To the stars without cost."
Robinson Goldstien, Hiawatha junior, and Arturo Lemmon, Des Moines, Iowa, sophomore, turn away in horror at the aberrant appearance of KU's own Wescoe Hall.
escoe among "ugliest buildings of the Big 12"
By Henry C. Jackson Kansan satire writer
The University of Kansas was honored yesterday as Wescoe Hall was named in Architectural Digest's "Ugliest Buildings of the Big 12" issue.
Wescoe Hall has long been a lovable eyesore for KU students, but it has never garnered national attention. That will likely change now that Wescoe will be featured with several other buildings and structures from throughout the Big 12 in a 15-page pictorial.
Other magnificent monstrosities included in Digest's Big 12 issue include Kansas State's entire campus and Missouri's Hearnes Center.
Lynn Bretz, director of University Relation,
said she thought it was great for the school.
"Our goal at KU is to continue to provide a great education despite the budget cuts," Bretz said.
When told she was supposed to make a comment about Wescoe's national debut and not the tuition increases for the umpteenth time, she smiled brightly and giggled.
"Oh cool," she said. "We've always thought Wescoe was ugly here at KU. It's nice to see it being recognized on a national level."
On a related note, representatives for Malott Hall, Learned Hall and Haworth Hall were unavailable for comment, but were said to be fuming at their exclusion from this year's issue.
Kohler, God to develop 'Number 3'
The new form of ridding the body of waste is being kept very secret in the labs of Kohler and Heaven. Early rumors hint that it will likely involve the ears or belly button, but this information is just preliminary. He Who Calls Himself "I Am" could not be reached for comment, but another representative, Job, shed some light on Heaven's side of the project.
Kohler released this statement:
"The Big Guy thought it was a good time to lift spirits with a new miracle, so when Kohler approached God with this offer, we jumped at the opportunity," he said. "If you ask me, people nowadays have it good enough already, but you know me — I'm not one to complain."
Kohler, the largest producer of bathroom fixtures, announced yesterday it entered into a joint venture with the Almighty to create a new form of human excretion. As it is tentatively titled, the "Number 3," will be a completely new and different way of ridding the human body of waste.
"We at Kohler could not be happier to be part of this project. Not only will this give every living person a new, better way to get rid of waste, but Kohler also has exclusive rights to all of the new bathroom fixtures you will need to accommodate this upcoming miracle."
-Brett Grigsby
IN OTHER NEWS
Long-time joke ruined by addition of "in bed" with every fortune cookie
Sports wall stunned as rock beats paper; scissors declines to comment
Asteroid to hit Earth in 35,000 years; nation frozen in fear
Large, angry mob makes well thought-out, conscientious decisions