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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or aprecht@kansan.com
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WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, AUGUST 29, 2002
KU Info replaced with Magic 8-Ball
Jensen Thaddaeus, DeSoto freshman, tests a scale model of the new KU Info Magic 8-Ball. Thaddaeus said it told him to 'ask again later' when he asked it why people drive on a parkways and park in driveways. "It's just like the old KU Info," he said.
Photo illustration
By Brandon Gay
Kansan satire writer
University of Kansas administrators announced Monday the 30-year-old KU Info line will be replaced by a Magic 8 ball.
Speculation that KU Info would fold began last week when Mary Lee Hummert, interim vice provost for student support, said the information service could be moved to the Web, but Hummert said the all-knowing black ball was a more feasible alternative.
University administrators want to assure students this is a quality solution to a complicated budget problem.
"This is no regular Magic 8 ball," Chancellor Robert Hemenway said. "It will be an abnormally large eight ball easily accessible to all students. Also, just for fun, we've added cool catch phrases appealing to college students like 'you better get jiggy with that, dogg' and 'Your English teacher would be down with that.' From questions about classes to campus procedures to mixed drinks, the new KU Magic 8 ball can answer any question. Heck, it just told me that it's 'unlikely' my hair will ever grow back. That's information you can count on."
The University set up the eight ball yesterday afternoon for a test run with students.
"It's certainly unique," said Jennifer Johnson. Overland Park senior.
"I found out that it's 'highly doubtful' I can
still get a park-and-ride pass and that the 'outlook is not so good' of me finding a guy interested in my mind this semester."
encouraged to purchase their own version of the new KU Info System at any KU bookstore for $50.
The total cost of the project was estimated at $7.99, plus sales tax at Wal-Mart. Students are
Contact Gay at beak@kansan.com.
Man says goodbye to old underpants
By Joe Stephenson
Kansan satire writer
James Richards stood looking at the flames coming out of an old metal trash barrel with a sad look on his face and a pair of tattered Fruit of the Loom briefs clenched in his left hand. He then looked around, took a deep breath and said, "I guess it's time."
It was indeed time to say farewell to a treasured pair of underpants.
Photo illustration
"I think I got this pair back during my back-to-school shopping right before 10th grade. I can't say for sure whether I wore these at some special time or anything since this pair looks like all the other pairs of underwear I have, but I have had them for so long I am just we shared some special moments" said Richards, El Dorado junior.
"I don't get it," she said. "Why does he want to keep that pair anyway? It's clearly worn out, it probably has like fifty tiny holes in it and the butt is so worn out you can practically see through it. Nobody should have the same pair of underpants they had in 10th grade, unless they are in 10th grade."
Richards' girlfriend, Kelly Moogie, El Dorado sophomore, had a different take on the send-off of the old underpants.
Richards, however, still sees a lot of potential in the old underpants.
"I think this is still a perfectly good pair of underwear," he said. "In my mind as long as the
James Richards agonizes over his difficult parting from his underpants while girlfriend looks on in disgust.
011. 1.2.0.0.0.2
"God, I want to thank you for bringing this pair of underpants into my life," he said, "but we must face the fact that everything must die at some point, so I send this pair of underpants back to you."
Richards looked at the fire, then at his girlfriend. Richards was clearly on the verge of tears as he said a short prayer.
elastic is still stretchy then the underpants are good enough to wear."
During the prayer, Richards' girlfriend folded her arms and rolled her eyes.
As soon as the prayer ended Richards threw the old briefs into the fire and quickly averted his
Kelly Moogie
El Dorado sophomore
"Nobody should have the same pair of underpants they had in 10th grade, unless they are in 10th grade."
gaze.
When asked how she felt about the send-off of the underpants, Moogie said, "Good, I am glad those stupid things are gone. They should have been burned years ago, and I should not have been the one to tell him to get rid of them. He should really be able to figure this stuff out on his own. My God, just because underwear has elastic does not make it fit to wear. I was going to buy him some new underwear, but maybe I should just buy him some elastic waist bands."
Richards was too shaken up about the underpants to comment.
To help those who may also face the loss of old comfortable underpants because their controlling girlfriends think they are "too worn out" Richards has set up a Web site that has tips for coping with the sad event — www.saygoodbyetojamesunderpants.com.
Contact Stephenson at beak@kansan.com.
'Weak Links found during enrollment
By Benjamin McCarthy
Kansan satire writer
All prospective students for the 2003-2004 school year will be required to participate in a game show televised nationally, Chancellor Maysey.
Robert Hemenway announced Tuesday.
The move is part of an effort to drop back enrollment.
The tournament for admission into the University is loosely based on the popular prime-time game show The Weakest Link. This new admissions requirement will force students to answer questions to become candidates for enrollment.
Robinson
The woman Hemenway referred to is former Weakest Link host Anne Robinson. The University contacted her to be master of ceremonies for the proceedings. Although she could not be reached for comment, Robinson was said to be thrilled at the opportunity for work.
When asked for comment, Hemenway hinted that students who failed to answer the questions would be "excused" from the search and would be asked not to seek enrollment at the University.
"We found her high over by Burrito King," Hemenway said. "We figured she'd do it since she had developed a pretty nasty dependency on smack and horse tranquilizers."
Though it is not known how many students the show will weed out,it is certain that the admissions policy at the University will never be the same. Ronald Umber, student senator, said he was concerned about the new policy.
"We are using this show to trim the fat, if you will," Hemenway said. "This lady is notorious for pinpointing sorry excuses for human beings."
"This is a major blow to the University," Umber said. "This campus is what it is because of the people who walk around here with questionable reading skills and little or no experience in balancing a checkbook."
Contact McCarthy at beak@kansan.com
In other news...
KU Parking capacity doubles to serve almost 9 percent of students
Zoo keeper vanishes mysteriously; lions are stunned
Pepsi moves on from Code Red and Pepsi Blue to market untapped "purple" demographic
Police crack down on public defecation; 'You're in trouble,' chief warns