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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental or coincidental.
Questions or comments? Contact Adam Pracht, satire editor, at 864-4810 or apracht@kansan.com
TONGUEINBEAK
WWW.KANSAN.COM/SATIRE
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
THURSDAY, AUGUST 22, 2002
The KU Parking Department recently invaded Poland.
Dan Jones on rebound
According to market analysts, Topeka sophomore Dan Jones is rebounding from his mid-year low of waking up past noon, drinking himself to sleep and writing furtive letters to his ex-girlfriend Cindy he never planned on delivering.
A mid-afternoon rally of watching old James Bond movies reportedly lifted Dan Jones to peak levels yesterday, and have given him the confidence to ask Jennifer Dilly to the Bottleneck Saturday.
—Mandalee Meisner
Bush submits to authorities
As part of his fervent legislative response to corporate scandals, President Bush has announced that he will have himself and Vice President Dick Cheney arrested for their own prior engagements in illegal insider trading.
Bush's Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said the president hoped the move would both ease the concerns of timid investors on Wall Street and discourage corporate crooks from engaging in accounting fraud in the future.
"The president said he would be willing to do a few weeks in Huntsville State Penitentiary as long as he would be allowed conjugal visits with the First Lady," said Fleischer. "However, the president has expressed some concern about his protection from the thousands of prison inmates who are serving time under the no-tolerance anti-drug legislation he passed as governor of Texas."
KU Parking invades Poland
— George Schulz
By Mandalee Meisner
Kansan satire writer
In a surprise move, KU Parking Department invaded Poland yesterday at approximately 11:23 a.m.
Witnesses said the first indication of invasion came when troops came into the country in three fronts. Soon afterward, a bright pink envelope appeared under Poland's left windshield wiper.
Interim Director of KU Parking, Donna Hul-
tine, cited various reasons for the military actions.
UN Ambassador James Thriegald said this term was merely a euphemism that covered up
"We've issued Poland eight previous citations," Hultine said. "But we were forced to take more dramatic actions after Poland refused to pay any of their 20 dollar tickets."
According to unnamed sources, KU Parking plans to set up what they call "red zones" throughout the country.
the true nature of the proposed partitions.
"I believe these supposed 'red zones' will actually be regions of pain and suffering, where the poor will be relegated, forced to take up residence and then brutally punished."
Poland, a beleaguered country with a long history of foreign exploitation, issued no comment other than a plea for the revocation of KU Parking's "totally unfair" policies.
Contact Meisner at beak@kansan.com
Back to school tips:
Credit card companies will take your money, your livelihood and your soul — but their free T-shirts are pretty cool.
Don't forget the four basic food groups — ramen noodles, beer, Cheez-Whiz and cheap beer.
Sometimes it's easier to burn the clothes than wash them.
You can't get through Spanish class with the phrase "Yo necesito una cervesa más" that you learned on spring break in Cancún
Don't make your roommate mad at you they know where you keep your underwear.
The Tongue in Beak is the perfect size for the bottom of most animal cages.
- You can't major in "Video gaming studies" or minor in "Grand Theft Auto."
Don't confuse the historic literary character with the University's chancellor—Hemingway is the author who wrote Old Man and the Sea, Hemenway is just an old man.
That smell is coming from under your bed.
Remember to clear out your computer's history after downloading pornography from the
Internet.
Terror is everywhere, look out for Al Queda cells in your hall closet.
All burning sensations are a bad sign.
- With a simple feeding tube, a catheter and some faithful friends to change the bags, you'll never have to leave the couch again.
Pyramid schemes can make up the difference for the increase in your tuition bill.
This is college, throw out all Trapper Keepers.
Fertile Crescent of Evil added to Kansas textbooks
The Kansas Board of Education once again led the nation in textbook reform, passing a law that requires "of evil" be added to every reference to the Middle Eastern region of the world.
Examples of phrases that will be affected include "fertile crescent" and "birthplace of civilization."
Kansas Board of Education member Janet Thompson said the move was prompted by President Bush's recent indictment of the countries Iran and Iraq, which he called part of an "axis of evil" where terrorism is bred and condoned.
"It may take some time for fourth graders to get used to seeing 'fertile crescent of evil' in their vocabulary handouts," Thompson said, "but it was just the only patriotic thing to do."
—Mandalee Meisner
In next week's Tounge in Beak
Lawrence patchouli supply depleted by Greens convention attendees.