FEATURE
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the Invisible Children of Divorce
ence family decisions more than a kid.
Watson is still figuring out the new family arrangements. Watson says she's not exactly sure what the holidays will be like this year, but that she will be making her own decisions as to how she spends her time. "I'm 20. I'm above the age of 18, and I can make my own decisions. There is pressure to spend time with my dad's family, but it really isn't even a question for me. The family I want to be with is my mom's," Watson says.
Watson says she is extremely close to her mom and wants to be as supportive as she can for her. "It has made me be more of a friend than a daughter to my mom," she says. "But I don't mind that." Watson rarely speaks to her dad anymore. She says her relationship with him has always been somewhat distant, but that the divorce has only made their relationship worse. Watson says her closeness to her mom and distance from her dad is just the way the divorce naturally played out. "I don't feel like I'm taking sides because it didn't seem like there was ever really a choice."
Family arrangements are not the only element of a divorce that create confusion for adult children. Zimmerman, who is also a family psychologist in Connecticut, says the strong sense of family, which adult children have established for the last 18 to 20 years, can be shaken to the core when their parents divorce.
Brooke Stewart, a Lawrence resident, was 15 when her parents took her and her four siblings to a counselor to tell them they were getting a divorce. The divorce was a devastating surprise for Stewart that distorted her image of family and her self image. Before her parents divorce was finalized, Stewart's dad began dating a beautiful woman who Stewart described as exotic with a perfect body. Stewart began taking her distorted self image out on her weight. "I thought nobody will ever marry me if I'm not skinny and pretty," Stewart says.
Eight years after Stewart's parents got divorced Stewart got married. She has been married for two years. Stewart says she talked with her husband about their feelings on divorce before they married and says they were confident that their marriage would make it, although she admits every couple is confident their marriage will make it going into it.
From the parent's perspective
Ultimately, Stewart is glad her parents divorced when they did. She says her parents realized that if they stayed together, they were actually hurting their kids. Zimmerman says the child's age when the divorce happens does not impact the child as much as the amount of conflict between the parents and how that conflict is handled.
Research for the last 60 years shows the only correlation between children with problems and divorce is the amount of conflict in the family, says Patrick Nichols, divorce mediator at Associates in Dispute Resolution in Lawrence. However, the process of resolving a divorce in court is based on the principle of conflict by two parties aggressively arguing their cases against each other.
For Elle Yankovich, a sophomore from Bonner Springs, the conflict in her family was unbearable. Yankovich's parents had many ups
When the last child goes to college it is often a time for parents to look at what they want out of life instead of what is best for their children. For some parents this could mean divorce. Jeffrey Zimmerman, family psychologist and author, says when people marry in their early 20s it is difficult to predict the changes in their partners and themselves 40 years later. People still have a lot of life to live at 60 and once the children are grown parents get to decide how they want to spend the latter segment of their life, Zimmerman says.
and downs in their relationship, but when they began remodeling their house, the tension escalated. "I remember my mom being upstairs in her room, my dad being downstairs working on the remodel project and me being in my room," Yankovich says. "Everyone was shut off in their own space trying to avoid the tension.
Although selling the family home may not have as much effect on an adult child as the amount of conflict that happened in the home, it has symbolic relevance. Nichols says the family home is important for young adults to have as a safe environment while they transition to adulthood. Without it, students may need to find other support through peer groups or therapy. "This [therapy] isn't an exact substitute for the family home, but it's something, Nichols says."
Before Yankovich left for college to Xavier University in Cincinnati, her parent's divorce was finalized. Yankovich says she wanted to separate herself from what was going on with her family, but it was harder than she expected. "I actually got really homeiesick even though when I was home I wasn't happy with what was going on. It was difficult to find support at Xavier because I didn't know anyone," she says. The next semester Yankovich decided to transfer to the University of Kansas.
Another part of that work involves reflecting on the positive and negative aspects of their parent's marriage so adult children know what they want in future relationships. This helps adult children of divorce to avoid the common mistakes of either replicating their parent's marriage or avoiding commitment all together and becoming a serial monogamist, Vequist says. The work to heal from a divorce is not easy but essential. "If they don't pay attention it will impact them later on," Vequist says.
Marciana Vequist, a psychologist at Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center in Lawrence, says adult children should not be the friend for their parent who is struggling with divorce. "When you become the confidant to one parent it automatically degrades the relationship with the other," Vequist says. Setting boundaries with both parents is part of the work adult children must do to cope with the divorce.
Watson says getting involved in school and staying close with friends has helped her cope with her parent's divorce, but she recognizes the careful balance of also dealing with it. Watson says a mentor made her realize she can't use school as an escape from dealing with her parent's divorce. "It is a hard balance," she says.
For the semester Yankovich attended Xavier, she spent most weekends with her paternal aunt who lived nearby. Yankovich's aunt helped her see a balance of fault with both her parents. "At first me and my mom would talk and put all the blame on my dad, which is not healthy," she says. Over time Yankovich began forgiving her dad. While she took steps to improve her relationship with her dad, she had to set a boundary with her mom. "I never openly said 'stop it' to my mom, but I used comments
that conveyed I didn't want to talk about it and she understood."
Marciana Vequist, a psychologist at Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center in Lawrence, says when the children are grown parents have the opportunity to consider their own needs without feeling selfish.
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