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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2019
Why I find frat-tastic pastels and plaid attractive, I may never know.
To the girl doing kegel excercises in the neighboring stall ... Really??!
A random girl let me stand under her umbrella. This gives me a little more faith in humanity.
Wow Mizzou, you really are as dumb as everyone thinks you are. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Does it count as a walk of shame if I don't have anything of shame?
My professor just needs an encouraging high five, in the face, with a chair.
I just walked by a school tour. Kid was talking on the phone. Kid has the college thing down already.
I had to use the Kansas basketball schedule as an umbrella. I know, I apologize.
We got rid of the school. Now will the south take that awful state as well?
Growing a glove for your face is your perogative, but I don't ask you to kiss mv mittens.
I'm not looking at you because I think you're hot. I'm looking at you because you look like an orange.
I'm a bitch, and the last thing I want to get laid on are silk sheets.
Tigers to the SEC: this kills the tiger.
What's the point of having multiple toilets? Nobody drops their load till everyone leaves.
Guys with umbrellas are guys with vaginas.
Whenever I see a basketball player on campus, I want to offer to do their homework. They have more important things to do.
I can't stop staring at the boobies in the Underground. I love this new artwork.
You know you're having a bad day when you manage to punch yourself in the face.
There's nothing like going into a bathroom stall and finding a toilet full of blood.
Don't lie. You just said "jazz pants." Obviously there are better things out there for you bud.
Can I just have Miss Frizzle teach my geology class? I understood her.
Of course the FFA editor would choose the post that blindly assumed they were hot.
Editor's note: You know, it's not really my fault I get so many "compliments" I had to put one in.
Just because you arrived at your car with that dreaded slip on the windshield it doesn't mean you're doomed to pay the KU Parking Department.
Appeal your parking tickets when necessary
As highlighted in last Friday's story about parking ticket appeals, a formal process can give you a voice about whether the ticket is justified or not.
Yes, everyone saw you jump like a loser when you walked past the power plant and the horn welt off.
EDITORIAL
Only 1,001 out of 55,183 tickets were appealed to the parking department during the last fiscal year according to director Donna Fultine. This 1.8 percent appeal rate may be an indicator that the ticket writers are writing fair tickets, but it also a sign that students are not
hearing, you can participate in the process and be involved in your own case.
On the days that my butt looks good, I make my backpack just a little shorter.
appealing enough.
The appeal process is a powerful tool for anyone who has been ticketed. Appeal your tickets and start propagating your own justice.
Parking department employees aren't perfect, and you shouldn't expect them to be perfect. By writing you a ticket, an employee believes you violated a parking regulation. That conviction can and should be challenged if you believe otherwise.
The Court of Parking Appeals is comprised of five members. They're law students appointed by the dean of the law school who appoint 20 to 25 students as judges of the court on a volunteer basis. The court is taken seriously and decisions are law-binding.
A $5 processing fee will be assessed on you if you lose a case that accepted for hearing, but it's a small price to pay for the court experience and the chance to not pay sometimes-expensive ticket fees.
Sometimes the circumstances surrounding the ticket are understandable. A driver may commit a mistake, but is ticketed heavily for not knowing or misinterpreting the regulations. The Court of Parking Appeals exists to hear about mistakes of the ticketer and the ticketed.
Even though a court trial may seem trivial for a parking ticket, it provides you a chance for you to win justice, gain a courtroom experience, and learn how to build a case for yourself.
If your case is accepted for a hearing and you filed for a written or "Ex Parte" appeal, it will be taken care of with judges examining your written statement. This is good if you feel your case is exceptionally strong and you don't want to or can't take the time to appear at court. If you chose a personal
case in front of three judges.
If you get a parking ticket and you feel that it's unfair, or that you deserve a mild penalty, file an appeal form online at www.parkingku.edu/applirm.shtml. On the form, you can choose if you want to submit a written appeal, which will let two judges decide the outcome. Or if you would like a personal hearing where you will work with an appointed University law student who will represent your
Vikaas Shanker for Kansan Editorial Board
CULTURE
Squirrel problem on campus needs fixing
Now, I know that a lot of you may be thinking something along these lines: What squirrel problem? Squirrels are cute, fuzzy and incredibly harmless.
I wish I could agree with you, but you couldn't be further from the truth. It's time to face the fact that our campus is being overrun by squirrels at an alarming rate. They're everywhere we look, scurrying up tree trunks, leaping from branch to branch, and even stampeing across our beloved Jayhawk Boulevard.
The intelligence I have obtained leads me to believe that they are indigenous to this area and were most likely here hundreds, maybe even thousands of years before the white man crossed the Mississippi. The squirrels on our campus are of the gray squirrel sub-species, and stand at about 8 to 10 inches when fully erect. The females give birth twice a year to litters of about four ferocious baby squirrels.
I'm not trying to be a fear monger, but we should all be deathly afraid of these squirrels. While they are tiny, they pack quite a punch, especially when attacking in groups. You may assume that they'll soon be going into hibernation for the winter, but you know what assuming does. Those big, bushy tails allow them to keep warm in sub-zero temperatures and continue mauling innocent pedestrians on the way home from sleeping through philosophy lecture.
Many people on campus are prone to the common myth that "they're more afraid of you than you are of them". Unfortunately, that is wives' tale. While it's pleasant to believe, it is misleading and dangerous. A better maxim to believe is that "they're not afraid of you, and will not hesitate to eat your face."
I think we can all agree that something needs to be done. I have come up with two possible solutions.
The first solution is simple. As
By Ethan Lovell elovell@kansan.com
we're all aware that our campus will soon be host to hundreds of grizzled, masculine, beard-sporting men thanks to No Shave November. The University could equip these men with three items: muskets, 'coonskin caps, and flasks of whiskey. These provisions, along with their incredible facial hair, would give these men the tools they need to solve the squirrel problem once and for all. What could be more intimidating to these beasts than a host of Davy Crockett-looking madmen with a thirst for blood and an undying hunger for squirrel stew?
POLITICS
The second solution is a bit riskier, but could be more effective. If, upon enrollment, the University issues each student a holy hand grenade, we can all defend our campus and ourselves against these foul merchants of death. Anyone who has completed or is enrolled in Math 101 should be able to count to three, which will limit the number of premature detonations. If we have learned one lesson from video games and movies, it's this; if something threatens your well-being, blow it up.
It's time to stop being passive about this issue. If we let nature run its course, the squirrels will continue to romp around like they own the place. Any attempt to let the ecosystem balance itself out is ill advised and downright dangerous. Let's nip this in the bud before we all get nipped in the butt ... by squirrels.
-Lovell is a sophomore in creative writing from Overland Park.
Moe Ataei
Arguments against gays prove to be senseless
As the campaign season heats up, we liberals get the honor of smugly tuning into the weekly debate between Whacko, Eyeballs, Mr. Praying Gunhands, Creepy Smile, Father Pizza and Ron Paul. At this point they've kind of evolved into a creepy smile extravaganza, but they're still fun to watch for the sake of seeing these people try to argue their insane ideas about America (except Ron Paul — he actually makes good points, sometimes). However, there's one debate topic that just simultaneously infuriates me and bums me out big time (the dude in me, that is).
No, it's not the legalization of marijuana (I already wrote a "satirical" piece on that according to some harsh critics). It's gay marriage. Gay marriage is a big issue that really shouldn't be a big issue at all — in fact, it should already be legalized. Generally my more serious University Daily Kansan colleagues (that word is so fun) tackle this issue swimmingly, but I'm feelin' fatter and sassier than usual, so I have a few points to make. First, like many other heavily debated issues, there are gray areas. For instance, the abortion argument, immigration, gun control, etc. have points on either side. But with gay marriage, either you hate gays or you don't.
It's as simple as that. After decades of arguing this one thing has become clear: There is no strong argument against two
guys or two chicks tying the knot. Right-wingers like Eyeballs and her husband Totally In Denial use harsh words like "barbary" and cite the bible as their main argument against gay marriage, but I've never seen a gay guy wielding a spear as he heads back to his fabulously decorated cave abode.
Also, the last I checked, the very first promise of the very first amendment in our constitution prohibits any law respecting an establishment of religion over another. So as far as I'm concerned, neither of those arguments are valid. Creepy Smile originally argued for gay couples to secure the right to adopt, but since he and his creepy smile have flip-flopped — probably in an attempt to impress that weird sect of super conservatives they're all jumping through hoops to impress. Whack is a prude time traveler from the year 1820 and he doesn't think gays should be allowed to be gay at all. Father Pizza, in an attempt to keep momentum, has recently come out
of the closet as a Choiceer — a term I just coined for someone who thinks homosexuality is a choice. And do I even have to tell you what Mr. Praying Gunhands' stance on the gay marriage debate is?
We need to stop pretending these are acceptable stances to have. These people — whether they personally hate gay people or not — are perpetuating bigtored hatred for a minority. There is no argument against gay marriage. Honestly, it shouldn't even be up to people to vote on. It's a civil rights issue for a minority group and it should be treated as desegregation was treated in the south. If we'd given the south a chance to vote on segregation, I'm sure there would still be separate drinking fountains down there. In the future, people are going to look back at this and say, "oh my Godrick Gryffindor, they seriously had to campaign to gain the opportunity to adopt children in a time when adoptive parents were severely needed. Boy, am I glad we're over that. Now, let's fire up our hovercrafts before we're late to Zachary Quinto and Chris Colfer's moon wedding extravaganza." Shut up. "Oh my Godrick Gryffindor" is totally going to catch on.
— Carmichael is a junior from Mulvane in creative writing. Follow him on Twitter @ChanceComical.
CAMPUS CHIRPS BACK
UDK_Opinion asked for suggestions to survive natural disasters in Kansas (e.g. earthquakes).
Follow us on Twitter @UDK_Opinion.
Tweet us your opinions, and we just might publish them.
AmandaKelsie
@UDK Opinion make sure all your liquor is in an unbreakable spot 2) drink said liquor
Zhareefer
@UDK_Opinion i don't know about surviving disasters but I've always had a closet filled with food from canned soup to double stuffed oreos
BoomCityAdam T M
@UDK_Opionn#HowToSurviveAKansasEarthquake
blink your eyes because I still convinced it was a hoax. The shipmates made it up to be cool.
HOW TO SUBMIT A LETTER TO THE EDITOR
chrysodis
**nycus**
@UDK_Opinion If you turn up the dubstep you won't even notice an earthquake happening #globaldubfest #therewasanearthquake?
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THE EDITORIAL BOARD Members of the Kanan Editorial Board are Kally Stroda, Joel Peterson, Jonathan Shman, Vikas Shanker, Mandy Matrine and Satrane Penin.