Volume 124 Issue 43
kansan.com
Monday, October 24, 2011
SPEAK
Contributed photo
I'm 12 years old and getting ready for school in front of the mirror with my 14-year-old sister. I'm 4 feet 11 inches and I weigh 120 pounds. She is 5 feet 3 inches and weighs no more than 105 pounds. My eyes are glued to our reflections.
She is this wafer thin, beautiful, healthy girl. Her clothes cling to her perfectly, hugging her slightly honey body. And then there is me. This disgusting, huge monster. Nothing about me is beautiful. All I can see is ugly. My clothes cling to me too, showing my lumpy body. Fat. The one word I hated and never wanted to believe about myself.
I didn't always feel this way. In elementary school I was apathetic about the fact that my body was slightly larger than my friends. But in junior high, I started making a comparison to my older sister that started to distort my perception and our fights would bring words that made me see truth in these negative beliefs.
When my sister and I fought, her greatest weapon was "at least I'm not fat like you!" and that was the end of the war. That would drive me to my room so that I could sob into my pillow while my mom lectured her for hurting me. Later I'd get an apology from her, which really never made the truth disappear.
My mom tried to comfort me, saying I'd thin out when I got taller. That didn't matter to me. All I saw was fat. I started to undress away from mirrors and I never looked down in the shower. Later I pretended like it didn't bother me. When my sister teased me about my weight, I'd reply "it's not like I'm in denial about that. I am fat. There are no clothes out there for someone like me. I might as well be a cow. You happy?" Those words made her feel bad without my mom having to lecture her. I'd saunter off, pleased that I made her feel bad, choking back tears.
I never used to look forward to opening my parents' gifts because my dad would always pick out dresses for us. My sister's would be a perfect fit. More often than not, mine would be returned for
DISTORTED PERCEPTION
Shaking the self-deprecating lies to see myself as beautiful
a larger size after my family stared at me saying that maybe my dress was a bit “snug.” I took that as the polite version of “you are just too fat for that dress, Nadia.” I'd never let on that it affected me. I felt like I was the inferior sister. I was the ugly one. My family doesn't know this, but I cared so much that it destroyed me.
When I reached college I was 5 feet and 7 inches tall and slightly overweight. Nothing drastic, but I didn't see myself that way. I saw fat. I heard once that fat people have to be funny otherwise they'd have nothing going for them so I focused on making my friends laugh. I came off as slightly egotistical, constantly joking about my ravishing looks. I put up this humorous barrier, never admitting to anyone that I didn't even have self-esteem, let alone low self-esteem.
Even though I was surrounded by good friends in my hall, I was too embarrassed to open up to them about self-image, and worried they would confirm my beliefs. During freshman year, I met this boy, Tim Clark, who was known in his dorm as "Barefoot Tim." He never wore shoes, always climbed trees and, like me, he rarely went to bed early. We started going for walks at 3 a.m. around campus, just talking about everything. Nothing was off limits, from conversations about painful past relationships to losing loved ones. Hanging out with him was therapeutic. I never felt like I had to hold back anything, and this ended up working in my favor.
I remember the exact moment Tim made me question my negative self-image. Tim was on a trip to St. Louis and was texting me about the snowy weather his family was driving through. He told me it was beautiful, "almost as beautiful as you" was how he phrased it. It was so simply stated, but it left me confused. I thought maybe he meant the text for someone else. I became angry, thinking that he was screwing with me. I ignored the text and tried to push it far from my mind.
I confronted him when he got back. I told him never to use the word "beautiful" with me again. He laughed right in my face and told me I was beautiful. I let it go, hoping it wouldn't happen again. He took that as permission to call me
beautiful given any opportunity.
I broke down one night over the word beautiful. Whenever I got overwhelmed in my classes I'd rant to Tim about everything that bothered me, including my appearance. I told him I knew I was fat and that he needed to stop lying to me. He fought the word fat with the word beautiful and I lost it, telling him to stop fucking with me, and breaking into sobs similar to when my sister teased me. By then the word beautiful bothered me more than the word fat. That was the first night I had ever told anyone why those words triggered such strong emotions.
Tim never stopped commenting on my beauty. It was like he was trying to make up for lost time, fighting every painful word that I had used for myself in the past. He has spent hours with me, on countless nights, listening to my stories of a girl who used to be so broken. I can honestly say that Tim Clark put me back together.
Tim never quite understood why I ever used such negative words to describe myself. After a while, neither could I. My negativity didn't just disappear overnight, by any means, but I stopped relying on Tim's reassurance and slowly started letting go of my self-deprecating tendencies. Once I started to notice my own beauty, I started to notice all the people who saw it too.
I've learned that looking in the mirror with a positive outlook has changed everything about my self-perception. I am not actively looking for my flaws, and I try to embrace the imperfections. I never thought I'd be able to tolerate my appearance let alone love who I am. The person I used to see is a stranger these days. I know I'm beautiful.
NADIA IMAFIDON
lacks record accessibility
SARA SNEATH
ssneath@kansan.com
curred in December of 2010, prior to which the University had not censured a faculty member since 1993. David Guth,
In the last 10 months, there have been four public censures of University of Kansas faculty. The first of the recent public notices oc-
David Guth,
an associate professor of journalism, was censured last December for engaging in unprofessional, threatening and abusive behav-
Guth
Lushington
other faculty member. Following Guth's censure, Dennis Sander, an associate professor of architecture, was censured in July on similar premises. Mahesh Visvanathan, a courtesy assistant professor in the department of electrical engineering and computer sciences, was
ior toward an-
CLASSIFIEDS 11
CROSSWORD 4
Index
"The events that precipitated the censure are rare occurrences that simply happened to occur within a short time frame," said Mary Lee Hummert, University vice provost.
Hummert said the University's public censures have always been published in the University's newsletter. All four censures were an-
censured for plagiarism in October along with Gerald Lushington, a courtesy associate professor in the department of medicinal chemistry.
SEE CENSURE PAGE 3
CRYPTOQUIPS 4
OPINION 5
MARSHALL SCHMIDT mschmidt@kansan.com
Whether it's the threat of eviction from an apartment or securing a copyright for a work of art, the office of Legal Services for Students offers critical advice, representation and education for many legal challenges students may encounter while at the University.
"We try to do preventative education, and when something does occur, we are here to help students make good choices," said Jo Hardesty, a managing attorney and the office's director since 1987.
The office began in 1979 as a campaign promise by then student body president Steve Leben, who now serves as a judge on the state's
Funded through a student fee of less than $11 per person, the office does not charge additional fees for its services, which are provided by attorneys and law students under attorney supervision. The office assists many students in settling disputes with their landlords.
"A lot of people don't know what landlords are required to provide," Hardesty said. The office sees cases in which students are living with perpetual health and safety code violations, such as electrical problems and malfunctioning fire extinguishers, that go unattended by landlords. The office helps students report any violations to the city and represents them in court if needed. Oftentimes these issues
SPORTS 12
SUDOKU 4
Court of Appeals.
为容至守舟 户守 河守 海守南海 寇恶强固 寇害
Alyssa Boone, a third-year law student from Wichita, works as an intern in the office and has first-hand experience with the advice that the office gives. Two years ago, an apartment leak caused property damage and she disputed the lease she had signed.
"I came and talked to one of the attorneys here, and he showed me how I can hold the landlord accountable for sub-standard conditions," Boone said. "He gave me an objective perspective about the legal context of what I was going
All contents, unless stated otherwise. © 2011 The University Daily Kansan.
create security deposit refund disputes between tenant and landlord, which the office also deals with.
Don't forget
Q
A
SUA is hosting Open Mic Night in the Hawk's Nest on level 1 of the Kansas Union from 7 to 9 p.m.
SEE LEGAL PAGE 3
Today's Weather
Forecasts done by
University students.
For a more detailed forecast,
see page 2A.
HI: 81
LO: 59
A sunny start to the week
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