Volume 124 Issue 39
kansan.com
Monday, October 17, 2011
--constantly seeks attention through his or her lavish stories. He or she will call in a frenzy because, "ohmygosh," they can't believe what so-and-so just did.
During his junior year of college, Ben Pera, a senior from Chicago, lived with a roommate who didn't speak. Pera's roommate didn't have a physical ailment, but rather his girlfriend broke up with him and he chose to keep his emotions bottled up. Weeks passed and the only words that he uttered were: "hello" and "goodbye."
"It was really annoying to have to live with someone like that because it puts a downer on everyone else's moods," Pera says.
The emotionally unhealthy environment of his house left Pera a victim of what Florence Isaacsa, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career, would call a "toxic friendship." Unlike healthy friendships, there is no balance between friends; one is constantly giving but doesn't receive anything in return. "A toxic friendship is regularly unsupportive, unrewarded, unsatisfying, draining or unequal," Isaacsa says.
Maintaining a toxic relationship can take a toll on your mental health, so learning how to spot and handle one is crucial.
SPOTTING A CULPRIT Toxic friends come in all forms. Here are three of the most common types:
THE DRAMA QUEEN This is the friend who thrives on drama and
Melanie Gorman, blogger and vice president of a relationship advice blog, yourtango. com, says that these friends use drama to hide their insecurities." ["Drama] is a distraction so that we don't have to look at our real lives or ourselves," she says: "People create drama to deal with boredom and not deal with the real stuff."
Next time a friend bombards you with a questionable story, Gorman says it's best to gently ask if it really happened that way. It's not mistrustful, but rather a way to dissect the facts and understand if they're hiding something.
THE BACKSTABBER
A backstabbing friend is someone who will sacrifice you and your reputation to better him or herself. His or her needs come first; the friendship comes second.
Fatou Bayo, a senior from Michigan, was in a toxic friendship with her high school friend. "She wanted to be accepted by everybody, so throwing people under the bus wasn't a problem for her as long as the people she wanted to be accepted by were OK with it." Bao says.
Gorman says is sometimes necessary in this relationship.
After confronting her, Bayo decided that there was too much distance between them to try and salvage the friendship, something that
Before calling it quits, though, Gorman suggests examining the friendship. Did you do something to make them mad or hurt them? If the answer is no, Gorman says it's best to end things since you can't change them.
THE USER
Before you overreact, Isaacs says to approach the friend and express your concern. "Often times, the person didn't have any malice; they didn't realize they were doing something that would annoy you," she says.
Friends who use you make you suspicious of your role in the friendship. Maybe they're constantly taking advantage of your generous employee discount. Whatever the method, they make you question their loyalty.
More than likely, he or she will apologize and things will return to normal. But, if your friend continues to use you, it might be time to reexamine the friendship.
CALLING IT QUITS
If you have determined that a friendship is irreparable, it's time to break up with your friend. You should approach things in a mature manner and use "I" statements to avoid attacking the person. "Eras the word 'you' from your vocabulary," Isaacs says. "You aren't saying, 'You borrowed a sweater and got a stain on it.' When you use the word 'you' in that way, the
other person gets defensive."
Don't be afraid to bring up your needs either. Tell the friend what you feel is missing and see if he or she's willing to compromise. If not, then they were, indeed, toxic. But if they do, it signifies a true friend.
"With your soul-mate friends, you can be exactly who you are around them, in your big-girl panties with no makeup and bawling your eyes out, and they're going to love you anyway," Gorman says. "Those who are truly your friends, they'll be your friend forever."
IT'S NOT YOU; IT'S ME
What to do if you recognize that you're the toxic friend:
Before you run to apologize to your friend, talk to someone who you trust. Tell him or her that you sense a toxic element to your personality and ask if he or she has noticed.
"If you get a secondary validation, dig deeper and figure out where it comes from," says Gorman. "What's the need being met by manifesting this negative quality?"
Try and understand the underlying cause. Maybe it stems from childhood insecurities or maybe it has to do with the environment in which you're living. Regardless of the cause, remember that it's always possible to change your ways.
TRAVIS YOUNG/KANSAN
Jason Phoenix explains different gestures for responses during the demonstrations held by protestors participating in Occupy Lawrence. The local movement has expressed solidarity with Occupy Wall Street. The group is working toward promoting change in local government ordinances.
"I want the carving to help draw attention to the things
Kansas, making his home first in Stauffer-Flint Hall — where he sat, forgotten, until 2009 — and then in the University Archives.
The "Russian Jayhawk," as the small carving has come to be known, was a gift of gratitude from an unknown Russian prisoner of war to Conrad Hoffman, a Kansas alumnus working with the YMCA in Germany during World War I.
On Wednesday evening, he made another journey, this time to the offices of the department of Slavic languages and literatures in Wescоe Hall, where we'll live for one year in a glass display case.
It's a symbol of the long-standing connection between the University and its students doing good in Russian and Eastern Europe, said Marc Greenberg, chairman of the Slavic group.
The YMCA post was "an important non-governmental service performing a moral and social function during the First World War," Greenberg wrote in his article "Hoffman's Hawk."
Hoffman went to Germany in 1915, and it was common for him to receive presents, said the article, from the thankful prisoners who he worked with.
A gift of gratitude
In 1913, Conrad Hoffman became the secretary of the YMCA at the University, leaving his position as a professor of bacteriology at the University of Wisconsin.
According to the article, the YMCA worked in prisoner-of-war camps in Germany, providing education and coordinating social and athletic activities for the prisoners. The YMCA also helped prisoners develop trades and hobbies by giving them tools and arranging exhibitions and sales of their artwork.
CLASSIFIEDS 7B CRYPTOQUIPS 4A SPORTS 1B
CRDSSWORD 4A OPINION 5A SUDOKU 4A
According to a pencil inscription on his side, the Russian Jayhawk was given to Hoffman in 1917. He was probably carved by either
SEE JAYHAWK PAGE 3
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