Volume 124 Issue 35
kansan.com
Friday, October 7, 2011
CONTACT
The Ex Effect OR Let's Just Be Friends
A break up is hard, but deciding how to move on can be even harder.
Diana Illustration by Ashw Daniell
Photo illustration by Abby Davis
Friend or Foe: Attempting to be friends with an ex can be tricky
When Andi Rose, a junior from Leawood, and her boyfriend of five years broke up earlier this month, she knew it wasn't the end. It wasn't an ugly break up and because they had dated for so long, she knew a friendship would continue. "We were always like, 'we'll always be friends no matter what' because we're so close." Rose says.
While Rose and her ex-boyfriend remain friends, not all other exes go the same route. A 2004 NBC.com poll found that 48 percent of people surveyed remained friends with their ex, and 18 percent said they've tried but it hasn't worked.
With factors like rekindling feelings, new boyfriends or girlfriends and emotional attachment coming into play, it's clear that being friends with an ex isn't always easy. It's also hard to figure out when to stay friends or call it quits for good.
Exes often find several reasons to keep some sort of communication in tact, especially when choosing to remain friends. According to April Masini, an online relationship advice expert, there are three main reasons why exes may want to maintain a friendship:
1. To give it a secret, second shot at love
CHRISTINE CURTIN
2. To hold on while waiting for someone new to come along
and have no hard feelings, they say hi to each other and talk about once a week. She says she's kept an open mind and has slowly worked into the friendship they have. "I feel comfortable moving forward with my life and still being friends with him," Rose says. "Some people have to stop everything, but thankfully we didn't have to."
While these reasons give justification to the friendship, it puts exes in a tough spot that may be even harder to leave than the initial break up. "Even well-intentioned attempts at friendship after a break up may stir feelings you didn't know you had," Masini says.
Initially it seems that only the exes will be affected by their friendship, but new boyfriends or girlfriends put a whole new spin on the situation. The new boyfriends or girlfriends can help reveal jealous tendencies and often lead to an awkward, three-person relationship triangle.
Darshana Hawks, a relationship expert and licensed relationship coach, says when a new boyfriend or girlfriend arrives, the real reason for the other ex wanting to stay friends come out. "The friendship's effect on a new partner really has to do with the exes' intentions. A lot
of exes claim they want to be friends, but most of the time it's about emotional attachment." Hawks says. Soon, the ex and a new boyfriend or girlfriend will be vying for the same emotional attachment.
Choosing to maintain a friendship is a completely personal decision by both exes. According to Hawks, it's crucial to be honest about the break up and be clear about what both sides want in terms of boundaries when it comes to the friendship. In her opinion, it's a complete case-by-case situation for deciding whether to stay friends is a good idea or not. "It depends on what being friends with your ex means," she says. "There's a fine line between being friends and it being excessive."
On the other hand, Masini thinks there's never an acceptable time to be friends after a break up. "Friendships after break ups create uncertain circumstances," Masini says. "The friendships hold at least one of you back, and often both of you."
After breaking up, staying friends or quiting each other cold turkey aren't the only options. It's completely normal, and encouraged, for exes to remain cordial. A friendly smile or a wave when you pass each other eliminates the bad feelings from the break up, but doesn't lead on to anything more.
Since Rose and her ex remain friends
Don't want a post-break-up friendship?
Masini gives these guidelines:
Masini gives these guidelines:
1. Surround yourself with friends and family.
2. Don't stalk your ex.
3. Test the waters, but don't dive in if you're not ready.
4. Don't go to your old romance haunts—find new ones.
5. Box up mementos, photos and gifts.
Start fresh.
6. Nurture yourself. Don't drown your sorrows in pizza, beer and Greos.
7. Make lunch and dinner dates with your friends who you haven't seen in awhile.
8. Figure out where you went wrong last time and how to do it better next time around.
Want a post-break-up friendship?
Hawks gives these guidelines:
Hawks gives these guidelines:
1. Don't use the friendship as an out to breaking up completely.
2. Set boundaries and have honest conversations.
3. Be clear about what you want out of the friendship.
4. Do not be friends with an ex when you have a new partner
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Torben Mothes, a banker from Eutin, spent Wednesday morning in Wescoe Hall speaking with students in German language classrooms about the growing number of summer job opportunities in and around Eutin.
Kirchhoff said many of the images from Spencer Museum of Art and Spencer Research Library can be found on Luna Insight, an online collection database found on the University's library website. Images from Spencer Museum of Art, like those of Spencer Research Library, can be reproduced for personal, academic and publication purposes, Kirchhoff said.
"I think it's great," Joe Cunning-
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Spencer Museum of Art holds about 38,000 works, of which only about 1 percent are on display, said Jerrye Van Leer, Spencer Museum of Art coordinator of tours and visitor services.
Emissaries from the Lawrence sister cities of Eutin, Germany and Hiratsuka, Japan, toured Lawrence and the campus in an effort to foster their exchange programs, which provide students with the opportunity to study, or intern in the emissaries' respective countries.
A request form must be filled out to reproduce images for display or publishing, but copyright restrictions are not normally a problem with images of campus, said Tara Wenger, head of reader services at Spencer Research Library.
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The requests are used primarily to keep track of reproductions and their usage. Images from Spencer have been hung in restaurants, published in books and displayed in homes.
A current exhibit at the Spencer Museum of Art also uses images from Spencer Research Library. "Glorious to View: The KU Campus Heritage Project" is a collaboration between Spencer Museum of Art
"They have a huge collection," Kilwin said. "They are not always able to show everything in the museum."
staff and University graphic design students.
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Chassica Kirchhoff, a curatorial intern at Spencer Museum of Art, said "Glorious to View" features archive images from both Spencer Museum of Art and Spencer Research Library.
Kenzie Tubbs, a senior from St. Louis, said she helped design a piece in the "Glorious to View" exhibit focused on Old North College. Old North College, originally North College Hall, was the campus' first building, built in 1866. The site is
"It was so hard to pick the ones for 'Campus Heritage' because there are so many crazy pictures of campus," Kirchhoff said.
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Amanda Kilwin, a senior from St. Louis, said her work in the exhibit focuses on Potter Lake. She said she learned a lot about the history of campus and the number of images Spencer Research Library and Spencer Museum of Art hold.
now occupied by GSP-Corbin residence halls. She said her group was provided with several photos to work with by Spencer Museum of Art curators.
"It's fascinating to look at the photos," Tubbs said. "I didn't even know these old images existed."
people in a professional context, which helps them to master that high level of language required."
Mothes also met with key faculty in the Department of Germanic Languages and Literatures to inform them of the success of the 2011 internships and to make plans for 2012.
According to Jim Morrison, lecturer on German business culture, the Eutin internship program with the University has increased significantly in the past three years. Only one or two students each year had participated in the exchange
SEE SISTER CITIES 13
Hot dog! Chez Paul serves up franks on campus
Index
CRYPTOQUIPS 4
OPINION 5
CLASSIFIEDS 9
CROSSWORD 4
SPORTS 10
SUDOKU 4
nents, unless stated otherwise. © 2011 The University Daily Kansan
Don't forget
Today's Weather
Today is Lee National Denim Day. Show your support for breast cancer awareness by stopping the booth between 1 a.m. and 2 p.m. at Wescoe
Forecasts done by
University students.
For a more detailed forecast
see page 2A.
Let your hair down