---
MANUAL
Life after the split
How to handle the end of a relationship
By Heather Melanson hmelanson@kansan.com
Brock Horner, Lenexa junior, ended a relationship with a guy after dating him for a month. Horner says the guy was getting too serious too quickly, and Horner told him the relationship wouldn't work because he wasn't looking for a serious commitment at the time. The ex couldn't take the hint, though. For more than three months, the ex tried to rekindle the flame.
Horner avoided his ex's phone calls, made his screen name invisible to him on Instant Messenger, and blocked him on MySpace and Facebook. If Horner's ex approached him at a club, he'd say he had a phone call or had to go to the bathroom to get out of the conversation.
Getting over a breakup, whether you're the dumper or dumpee, can be tough. You don't want to find yourself in the same rut as Horner's ex, though, in which you're trying to salvage something that isn't there anymore.
Here's a guide on how to cope with a breakup and start the process of mending your broken heart.
Live your life
You may feel lost without your partner, but it's important to continue with your normal schedule, KU Psychological Clinic director Sarah Kirk says.To keep from becoming lonely, Kirk says you should seek social and emotional support from friends, family or even a spiritual advisor.
Katie Beatty, Kansas City, Mo., junior, says she coped with the end of her year-and-a-half relationship by keeping herself busy. She went to football games, went out on the weekends and focused on the positive aspects of her life, like friends, family and school.
Aside from maintaining a normal life, Kirk says to stay away from "should" statements, like,"I should be over this by now," because they only add insult to injury and makes you feel guilty, Kirk says. It's more productive to be honest and make statements like,"I'm not over this, but that's okay right now," she says. There's a natural period of grief that you'll experience, so don't put more pressure on yourself with the "I should" statements.
Write it down
Kirk says journaling is a good way to process your feelings, and journaling has been proven to have physiological benefits. Journaling helps people relax, she says, and it even has long-term benefits, such as preventing illness.
Writing a letter or an e-mail to your ex may also help you cope, and you can decide
later if you actually want to send it. It may be a way for you to say goodbye, or simply to say how you're feeling.
Boundaries
If you know your ex doesn't want to talk, it's probably better to respect his or her wish and not try to get in contact, Kirk says. Boundaries for other forms of contact will also depend on the relationship you've agreed to maintain. If you still want to be friends, it's probably not necessary to block your ex on Facebook or delete your ex from your phone book.
The same goes for getting your stuff back. If the items are valuable to you, then they might be worth getting back for closure, Kirk says.
You may feel like the best way to cope is to try to be friends with your ex, but David Karpowitz, associate professor of clinical psychology, says this can be difficult because of the former romantic relationship. It's really a case-by-case situation, though. Karpowitz says some people don't want to see each other ever again, or they might have to be acquaintances because they have classes or work together.
Friendships
Closure and moving on
Mutual friends and hangouts can also be an issue. Karpowitz says mutual friends shouldn't be forced into taking sides, and it might be too painful to frequent the same bars or other hangouts that you and your ex both went to.
It's okay to write, call or meet your ex and ask him or her to help you understand what went wrong or if you had anything to do with the relationship ending, even though doing so might be painful, Karpowitz says. Reflect on your relationship sensibly, he advises, because no one is perfect and everyone brings both strengths and weaknesses to the relationship. Don't try to convince your ex to make things work, a mistake Karpowitz says he often sees people make.
It will take time to get over the heartache. Date again when you're ready, but don't start dating again until you're no longer invested in your past relationship. Karpowitz says no one wants to date someone who still has one foot in his or her former relationship.
Also keep in mind that breakups are common, and it's normal to be sad and angry. Karpowitz says. Don't overwhelm yourself with breakup thoughts all day. Tell yourself you'll only think about the breakup for a certain amount of time each day, and make sure what you go over in your mind will actually be helpful to your situation, Karpowitz says.
Photo illustration by Tyler Waugh
Farewell, fluffy symbol of a former flame! Just as it might give you closure to get your stuff back from your ex,you can likely find closure in getting rid of any sentimental gifts the person gave you.
Hollywood goes through it, too. Here are some recent high-profile splits.
Hollywood heartbreak
Madonna and Guy Ritchie
The pair announced their
split a couple months
ago after almost eight
years of marriage. The
New York Post reported
that Madonna had a
"marriage contract" that
stated how often she
and Ritchie should go
out on dates, have sex
and handle arguments. Madonna was once married to Sean Penn for four years.
Hugh Hefner and girlfriend(s)
The 82-year-old player Hefner and Holly Madison, 28, called it quits after Madison had been living in the mansion since 2001. One of
Hefner's other girlfriends, Kendra Wilkinson, recently became engaged to the Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett.
14
December 11,2008