FEATURE
wont divorce, Beattie says, but rather to feel things out.
Beattie's parents had no problem with her moving in with Pannell. Pannell's dad was fine with the couple moving in together, but his mom didn't approve, he says. His mom wanted the two to wait to move in after they were married, because of her Christian beliefs. But Pannell says he didn't need to ask for permission to move in with Beattie, because he has no financial ties to his family.
Early in their relationship the couple had communication issues, but now they work out their issues in a respectful manner. Pannell says. In fact, before they moved in together, Beatie and Pannell made sure they even discussed what would happen if they broke up while living together. The two agreed that, if they split, they would finish the lease, live in the two separate bedrooms and remain civil, Beatie says. Pannell says they felt like they were responsible and communicated well enough to move in together, and they would have postponed living together had they felt otherwise.
Pannell says it's important for couples to pick their battles and not sweat the small stuff. Earlier in their relationship, the arguments were pride-based, but if they argue now, it's about something more serious. Beattie says she tries to have a sense of humor and make Pannell smile if she knows he's had a bad day.The couple always asks each other before inviting company over. It's not about asking permission, Beattie says, but about being respectful to your partner.
The break-up
The worst case scenario when living with your significant other is breaking up. Kyle Doherty, 21, Lee's Summit, Mo., senior, experienced just that. Doherty began dating his now ex-girlfriend during his freshman year, and the two waited a year and half to move in together.
Doherty says he and his ex didn't really talk about moving in together before they did it. The couple spent only two weeks living together before Doherty left to study abroad in Italy for a semester. Doherty says everything was great when he returned, but in the months that followed, the couple grew apart.
Although Doherty says they never fought, they had different plans for the future. Doherty says his ex devoted a lot of time to school and they didn't get to see each other often. Aside from not seeing each other, he says they also had communication problems.
After four months of living together, Doherty's ex broke things off. He says he wanted to work things out, but she didn't. Doherty had to move out of the house he shared with his ex and two other roommates, and into a friend's apartment.
If he had the opportunity to move in with another girlfriend one day,he says he would discuss the situation more in-depth and rationally. Although he says he would almost advise against living with one's significant other now, if he chooses to do so again, he and his girlfriend would have to agree they were planning to eventually marry.
Margaret Severson, school of social welfare associate professor, says couples who break up while living together can skip the legal grieving process, but ending the relationship is difficult no matter what the legal status is. She says a breakup can feel emotionally the same as divorce, but the grieving period may not be as long because the couple doesn't have to deal with legal issues.
Goodbye distance
At the end of July, Peter Baum, 22, Green Bay, Wis., graduate student, and Lyncee Davies, 25. met at Baum's brother's going-away party. They started dating in August, but Baum moved to Lawrence for school. The distance was too much to handle, so Davies moved to Lawrence in November. Baum says he didn't unpack until he knew she was moving in.
Despite only being together for a short amount of time, the couple says they didn't think it was too soon to move in together, and that it just made sense. They don't see living together as a trial marriage, but rather just the next phase of their lives. Severson says it's unrealistic to expect couples who decide to move in together to have the goal of marriage in mind. However, she says it is reasonable to expect couples to make decisions with good thought.
Baum and Davies didn't talk about what would happen if they broke up, because they say it didn't seem like an issue. Baum says if a couple needs to think about whether they should move in together, or question it, then they shouldn't do it.
Together when you're not
Jered Becker, 22, and April Spahalski, 20, have been together for a little more than a year. Spahalski moved in with Becker to replace a roommate who didn't work out. If Becker hadn't been stuck without a roommate, the couple says they would have waited longer to move in together. Becker says he was hesitant about moving in with his girlfriend in case they broke up—which is exactly what happened.
In September, Becker broke up with Spahalski. The couple had spent all their time together, and Becker felt overwhelmed. Despite the breakup, Becker and Spahalski continued to live together.The two say they were somewhat hostile toward one another and had forced conversations. Spahalski spent a lot of time at her parent's house after the break-up to get away from their living arrangement.
A month after they broke up, Becker brought up the idea to Spahalski of getting back together again. He says he needed out of the relationship to get a different perspective
on it. Spahalski thought for a week whether she should be with Becker. She wanted to make sure she knew what he wanted so she wouldn't get hurt again. When they got back together they decided to make compromises for one another.
Becker says before couples move in together they should consider all the worst-case scenarios. He also says couples have to make a conscious effort to make each other happy, and twice the effort when you're living together. And just as Candis Beatty advised, Becker also says not to go to bed mad.
It just felt right
Erin Shafer, 26, and Seth Persinger, 21, Hiawatha sophomore, have been dating a year now, but when they first got together they quickly started spending the night at
one another's places. After four months of being together, the couple officially moved in together, and Shafer says the move didn't feel rushed, but natural. She says they figured there was no need for two separate places when they spent so much time together.
Even though Shafer and Persinger live together, they still have separate lives. Persinger says even when you love someone you still need time apart. Having personal space and time is still important.
The couple says they communicate well and that they've learned from past relationships. Shafer and Persinger had both been engaged before. Shafer says she rushed into her engagement and moved in with her now ex-fiancee just to move right back out. She says they should have worked on trust and respect for each other before moving in together. They say living together isn't to test whether their relationship is meant for marriage, but they can't really see what would change if they were married.
And, of course, they say communication means everything to the relationship. The couple says arguments can be healthy as long as they're handled correctly.
Considerations
Dennis Karpowitz, associate professor of clinical psychology, says couples need to be open with each other and discuss their
Photo illustration by Jessica Sain-Baird Do you and your significant other have similar goals? If not, your academic aspirations could present a problem in the relationship.
feelings. He says couples have to be able to see their significant other in a variety of situations, like what they are like when they're mad, don't get their way and when it comes to compromising, not just what the other person is like on a date.
Karpowitz says cohabiting just so that sex is more convenient isn't a good reason for couples to live together, because there's a difference between being infatuated and actually caring about your partner. He says a couple's level of commitment to each other will influence the longevity of the relationship.
If you're thinking about moving in with your significant other, it's important to keep in mind everything that goes into a cohabiting relationship. Have you thought about finances, daily responsibilities, what could happen if you breakup or do you know your partner well enough to move in? These are all things you may want to consider.Although you might not be married and have legal obligations to one another, living together can sometimes still feel a lot like marriage.So,be sure to think wisely and thoroughly before packing up and moving in.
December 11,2008
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