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Three little words, one big step
How to tell if you're ready to say "I love you"
By Carly Halvorson chalvorson@kansan.com
Saying "I love you" for the first time is a scene so often played out in movies that it makes it hard for the general public to compete. It's a big step in any relationship, and the pressure those three little words can bring is daunting.
Before you think about saying "I love you," certain things must be true about your relationship. Laurie Puhn, relationship coach and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life, says you should be in an exclusive relationship that has somehow been made public. In other words, you're together and not hiding it. Here's a guide to help you know if you're really ready to make the "L"-word leap.
feelings for Kretzmeier involved more than just friendship.
Do I say it first?
"I realized I couldn't imagine my life without her in it," Bowman says. He knew Kretzmeier felt the same way about him, so Bowman told her he loved her."Whoever is ready to say it should just say it," he says."I happened to be the more open one and she was the more shy one." Kretzmeier agrees, saying she considers herself to be more old-fashioned, and so she waited for the guy to make the first move.
There are a lot of stereotypes about who should be the first to say "I love you." Traditionally, many people see the man as the one responsible for saying it first. However, others think the more outgoing person in the relationship should be first. Scott Bowman, lola senior; considered himself to be that person in his relationship with Elizabeth Kretzmeier, lola junior. The two were best friends during high school but hadn't dated each other. Right before Bowman was about to leave for college, he realized his
Puhn says the stereotypes regarding who should say it first are all wrong. According to Puhn, a person who is ready to say "I love you" is the more expressive one in the relationship and has prepared themselves for any response they may get, whether it be an elated "I love you, too," or an awkward silence.
- During or after a fight. "It's not a patch," Puhn says. "It's not like a bouquet of flowers, and it's not a way to recover. It's a way to make something great even better." Plus, saying "I love you" during or immediately after a fight can come off as a ploy instead of a true expression of feelings. Your partner may interpret that as being manipulative or trying to persuade him or her to agree with you.
When not to say "I love you"
Because of the hefty weight these three little words carry, it's important to pick the appropriate time, place and method to say them for the first time. The experts may not agree on the right time, but they do know the wrong times.
- While drunk. Slurring your way through "I love you" in a crowded bar doesn't do the words justice. Even more dangerous, it could make you say something you don't feel. Unless you've had these feelings for a period of time—while sober—avoid saying the "L" word after a couple cocktails."Alcohol can make you feel more empowered and less panicked," Donna Barnes says."However,it can be a false sense of security."
When am I supposed to say it?
Perhaps the most important issue concerning those three little words is knowing when it's time to say them. Every relationship is different, so how long one couple has been together before saying "I love you" should have no bearing on when you say it.
The general rule of thumb is to wait at least one month before professing your love for your better half. Dating and relationship coach Donna Barnes says waiting one month can allow you to get to know that person better. When you say "I love you" for the first time, it's important that you genuinely care about that person's well-being and happiness. Typically, it's hard to know them well enough in less than a month to have such a deep emotional investment. Suggesting people should wait longer, Matt Titus, relationship coach and co-author of Why Hasn't He Called?, says the best time frame for saying "I love you" is within six to nine months of dating so that true selves can be revealed.
An exception to this rule is if you have already known the person before you began dating him or her.This was the situation for Sara Kiszka, Leavenworth junior.Before they were an official couple, Kiszka and her boyfriend were friends.She says they had been talking about saying "I love you" for a while, but she was afraid to say it.When her boyfriend told her one month into their romantic relationship that he loved her, she knew it was the right time.
"I just had a feeling." Kiszka says. "When he looked at me or touched me, I'd get butterflies. Even just thinking about it now, I'm smiling." Kiszka recommends that anyone considering saying "I love you" makes sure
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December 11,2008
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