WESCOEWIT
Girl: What should I get him for Christmas?
Guy: (pause) How about The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories?
Girl: I was at the rec last week, and there was an old guy lying on a mat. I was like,'Bumblebee tuna, your balls are showing.'
**Guy 1:** Everyone else thought she was unattractive, but I adored her.
**Guy 2:** Was it the mole?
**Guy 1:** She never wore a bra.
Guy 1: We don't know how to tell him he can't come to the party.
Guy 2: You could take off your belt and beat him with it.
Girl I: This is how you do girl talk:You have to learn to lie and exaggerate.
Guy: I think I can do that.
Girl 2: Now you can start by giving us each a compliment.
Girl: It smells really good in here.
Guy: That's just my natural scent.
Girl: You normally smell like brownies?
Guy: Yeah. In high school, they called me Duncan Hines.
Guy: (on phone) It's almost finals week (pause) I know! Almost peanut-butter-jelly time!
Girl 1: Does Chipote deliver?
Girl 2: If Chipotle delivered, I'd have it on speed-dial and I'd weight 400 pounds
Guy: (on phone) You're tired? I worked the night shift, ate 5 pounds of Taco Bell and went home to a horny girlfriend. Don't pull the 'I'm tired' excuse with me
Girl: I just went up to my TA and said, 'I'll be honest. I went out and drank when I shouldn't have, and I didn't get it done.'
Guy: How did that work out?
Girl: He gave me an F.
NOTICE
Girl 2: That one to be on Rock of Love Charm School.
Girl 1: What internship are you applying for?
Girl 1: How do you spell 'queef?'
Girl 2: With a 'k'. I think
Girl 3: You know, you could get around that entirely and just call it 'vaginal flatulence.'
Guy I: (getting ready to eat sushi) I'm pretty sure I'll hate this, but I'll give it the college try.
Guy: I'm so glad our legal system allows the phrase 'dry humping' in a court of law.
Guy 2: That's what you said about Grey's Anatomy. Now you can't get enough.
Girl 1: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony have so many great songs. Like that one about paying rent.
Guy I: Please don't mention that in public.
Girl 2: Um, I don't think I know that one.
Girl It! If you don't know that song, you've never been to a skating rink before. And you should be shot in the face.
Girl: Do you think he's conservative?
Guy: Well, he wears cowboy boots. He looks like he voted for Bush twice.
Girl: (on phone) You went all the way to Florida to shop at Wal-Mart?
Guy: I was drunk at E's. Twice.
Guy: Wow! Those are some great boots. You look like you could go cow tipping and then go be in a fashion show.
Girl: Thanks. I just use them as my 'bed me' boots.
Guy: What did you put in this soup?
Girl: The secret ingredient is organic love-age.
Guy: (pauses mid-bite)
**Guy 1:** Remember that time we ate lasagna out of wine glasses?
**Guy 2:** Yeah.
Guy I: I haven't eaten off a plate since.
Girl 1: I had a dream the other night that you and I were fighting over Haley Joel Osment.
Guy: Do you think Hoboken is where they developed the hobo-chicken hybrid?
Girl 2: I hope our hate for each other never becomes that pathetic.
Guy I: I love that there are actually gas stations called 'Kum and Go.'
Guy 2: In my hometown, we have gas stations called "Pump and Munch."
—Sean Rosner
TOMORROW'S NEWS:
subtle butt
If your Thanksgiving break involved suffering through a relative's post-turkey silent-but-deadlies, don't worry: You have help for the next holiday. Enter Subtle Butt, a disposable patch that neutralizes the smell of passed gas.
Subtle Butt adhesive patches are made up of one layer of antimicrobial fabric and one layer of activated carbon. When stuck on the inside of underwear; Subtle Butt patches help eliminate the odor of farts.
The Subtle Butt fabric was originally designed for hunters, so that animals wouldn't be able to smell them. California inventor Kim Leone Olenicoff came up with the idea to turn the fabric into an adhesive patch during a plane ride back from Mexico, before which she says she and her cousin ate a few too many tacos.
Zbierski says one of the company's biggest difficulties in selling the product is convincing people that it's real.
Amber Zbierski of the company Garment Guard, which produces Subtle Butt, says the company introduced the product in December 2007. Zbierski says Subtle Butt sales have grown steadily since then, and have picked up during the holiday season.
"It's a great stocking stuffer," Zbierski says. "It's a guaranteed laugh for the person who has everything."
"A lot of people think we're kidding," Zbierski says. "It actually does work if you give it a try."
A pack of five Subtle Butt patches costs $9.95. Visit www.garmentguard.com for more information.
—Sean Rosner
Contributed photos A promotional video from Garment Guard's Web site details the miracle that is Subtle Butt patches.
December 11,2008
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