OPINION
7A
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2008
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
Matt to the Future Double Overtime
Eight minutes left in the second half, Matt Kleinmann checks into the game. Kansas brings the ball up court. Kleinmann moves to screen Shooty McHoopster and ... What just happened? A flash of light lit up the Fieldhouse. Where is McHoopter? There appear to be twin trails of fire where he was running. I've never seen anything like this, folks.
--his role in the starting lineup. Once he changed the game completely there was no room for me. Without a ball, what am I supposed to block? I would've broken the school record. Now I live here in the abandoned Watson Stacks. Fortunately, I've found a way to send you back and fix this mess.
It took Shooty McHopster a moment to realize he was standing on the very court he had just left. But things were different.
The scoreboard read GloboKlein Fieldhouse. Another game was going on around him, but he didn't see a ball. The players were only setting screens. Everyone, fans included, wore blue jumpsuits displaying the number 54.
A siren began to wall as officers with "Klein-Men" on their jumpsuits rushed forward and roughly dragged him off the court.
"Let go!" McHoopster demanded. "Where are you taking me?"
"To see the Boss."
The KleinKar pulled up to a monolithic structure, its glittering marquee scrolled "GloboKlein Industries". Reaching the penthouse, McHoopster stood before a shadowy, enthroned figure surrounded by a harem of women. The closing doors echoed off the marble as McHoopster and the man were left alone.
The man rose, moving into the light. McHoopster gasped. "Matt Kleinmann? But ... how?"
Kleinmann knocked on his skull. "Hello! McHoopster! Anybody home? Everything changed after that pick I set on you. People finally began to respect me, even fear me. I realized I had the power to do anything. I started GloboKlein to extend my dominance worldwide. Now I own 95 percent of the planet! I converted the Campanile into my ivory tower and rebuilt Lawrence into the thriving Kleinopolis. I rule all I see with a freckled fist!"
"You're crazy!"
Kleinmann grinned. "Now I'll make sure you fall in line with the others."
Bursting outside. McHoopster didn't see the shadow looming over him until it was too late. Everything went dark.
The doors flew open as Klein-Men poured into the room. McHoopster quickly escaped through a side door, Kleinmann's laughter following close behind.
--his role in the starting lineup. Once he changed the game completely there was no room for me. Without a ball, what am I supposed to block? I would've broken the school record. Now I live here in the abandoned Watson Stacks. Fortunately, I've found a way to send you back and fix this mess.
He woke with a start. "You're safe." A figure rose from behind a nearby stack of books.
"Cole Aldrich? What's going on here?"
"It is the Year 27 ACP, or After Chaos Pick. I was exiled shortly after the event. It was Kleinmann's first act to ensure
"All that's needed is enough force to generate the 1.21 Gingerwatts required for time travel. For that, you must do something never done before — pick Matt Kleinmann. I've gathered some materials..." Cole began, but McHoopster was already gone.
Kleinmann relaxed on his throne as his gorgeous servants hand-fed him grapes. A basketball bounced into the room, coming to rest at his size 27 feet. "What's this? I thought I destroyed every last one of these cursed spheres!"
McHooopster stepped from the doorway. "I'm surprised you recognize what that is. I challenge you, if you can still remember the right way to play."
--the Holidays" opens on Dec. 12.
Although the former presents itself as an alternative to the usual home-for-the-holiday movie, it doesn't manage to escape its genre.
"You fool. Do you know who I am? No one can defeat me! I am basketball!"
Unfortunately, the game was not as epic as this story warrants. Kleinmann failed to realize a life of excess does not keep one fit for competition, and he was quickly defeated. McHoopster finished by posterizing the giant with a thunderous dunk.
"You run the whole world and you can't even ball? How could anyone be afraid of you?"
"I'll show you fear! I'll pick you out of existence!" Kleinmann charged forward furiously, but at the last moment McHoopster side-stepped the attack. Frantically recovering, the big man collided with McHoopster's commanding counter-pick. The world, and Kleinmann's screams, faded to nothing.
McHoopster came to on the Campanile hill — Kleinopolis was Lawrence once more. Stealing himself a disguise from a couple having sex nearby, he sprinted to the Fieldhouse, praying he was not too late.
He arrived before the Chaos Pick was fated to occur and crouched behind the Jayhawk bench. Matt Kleinmann, not yet planet overlord, anxiously awaited his time to shine. McHoopster quickly tied Kleinmann's shoes睦 together.
"Matt, you're in." He rose triumphantly — only to fall flat on his face. "Nevermind. Teahan, get in there."
"OK, Coach, just let me finish fixing my hair."
McHoopster smiled. The world was again safe from redheaded rule. Before disappearing, he tapped Aldrich on the shoulder.
"You're welcome."
Aldrich looked around, confused. "What?"
Pope is a Kansas City senior in English. Snyder is a Leawood senior in English.
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MAX RINKEL
FROM THE DRAWING BOARD
Best holiday movies aren't the recent ones
This holiday season (words we hear so many times), the economy is obviously on everyone's minds.
Deluges of advertisements promising big savings are swamping my television (but I wonder how much those promotions cost).
Of course, "Four Christmas" is in theaters, and "Nothing Like
Given this widespread anxiety, it's tempting to sneak away from it all to the movie theater for some holiday cheer. But if you're smart (and you are), you'll resist temptation. Because, let's face it, good holiday movies are hard to come by.
We've been somewhat spared the influx of new holiday flicks that usually invade theaters each season.
Its combination of world-weary, dry humor and unalloyed exuberance has yet to be matched by any movie since. It perfectly captures how it felt to be a kid at Christmas.
Sure, maybe we've all seen it a couple (hundred) times. But the nostalgic, satiric, epic classic "A Christmas Story" is also, quite simply, perfect.
But there's really no need to cough up that cash to get in the holiday spirit. After all, we've had Christmas for more than 2000 years. That's plenty of time to make some movies that are worth watching twice.
And the best one of all celebrates its 25th anniversary this year.
There are, of course, other good Christmas classics that never let you down.
Instead of sucking viewers into a sentimental vortex, they buoy
Edmund Gwenn's Oscarwinning performance as Kris Kringle in the 1947 "Miracle on 34th Street" never fails to make me believe that maybe, just maybe, the old bearded man is really out there.
This year, I'm content to rewatch. Maybe I can recapture when perfect happiness could be contained in just one day and one thing. Like a Red Ryder BB gun, with a compass in the stock, and this thing that tells time.
them up above the holidays' tinseled trappings. They may not have the jingles or the pretty people, but the true holiday classics all have what it takes.
Blankenau is a Lincoln, Neb., sophomore in journalism.
"EIJ" has its flat moments, but in the end it's irresistible. And Linus soliloquy in response to the bald-headed kid's appeal for someone "who knows what Christmas is all about," in "A Charlie Brown Christmas," makes all the commercial breaks worthwhile.
GUEST COLUMN
How to guide Senate back to its fiscal duties
BY ALEX PORTE
I was disappointed to discover a misrepresentation of my knowledge about the current financial crisis in the Student Senate in The University Daily Kansan article "Student Senate money depleting early this year" published Dec. 4.
I am fully aware of our current financial situation, and I have stood up at both the Finance Committee meetings and full Senate meetings throughout the semester to warn the Senate about how quickly money in the Unallocated Account is being spent.
Jayhawk Motorsports, the KU Steel Bridge Team and the KU Experimental Balloon Society. Many groups come to Student Senate for funding for academic projects, but limiting the level of funding would prolong the longevity of the account.
After doing research and conferring extensively with Libby Johnson, Student Senate Executive Secretary, we came to a startling conclusion: Student Senate has yet to fail a funding bill this semester.
2. Fund student groups at a level comparative to their respective academic departments. Many groups, regardless of their content, have academic backing in some form, and Senate should weigh this heavily when evaluating funding requests. No such rule exists now.
The amount of funding in the Unallocated Account last year at this time totaled $51,303; currently, we only have $31,524.66 remaining, with one more Senate cycle to go until the end of the semester.
The Finance Committee had failed only one bill this year before last Thursday's meeting.
For reference, Student Senate had failed two bills at this time last year.
3. The Finance Committee needs to enforce the requirement that budgets and proper paperwork must accompany every bill before it will be heard by the Committee. It has been too lax on this in the last couple of sessions.
Implementation of the following three policies would begin to put us back on the track toward fiscal responsibility.
1. Place funding caps on large "academic projects," such as
This is a reasonable and necessary request for student groups to fulfill when requesting thousands of dollars in funding from their fellow students.
It is the job of the treasury to document and account for the movement of student funds and to ensure it is being spent responsibly, and it is difficult to do this without proper documentation.
I recommend that student groups take a closer look at how they plan to fund the activities of their organization.
Many student groups come to us saying that their event "hinges" on our funding. This puts the Finance
Committee and Student Senate on the whole in a difficult position, as we would like to fund every event that is worthy, but we simply do not have the funding unless we raise student fees, a proposition many are opposed to.
I would recommend that student organizations and students support a fee increase of $2.50 to provide assurance that their events will be supported next year and to seek their own financial security by exploring avenues for funding beyond Student Senate.
The blame for this lack of fiscal responsibility can't be laid at one person's feet because the true root of this crisis stems from the fact that students are becoming more active and running successful events.
The Student Senate Activity Fee has not been raised in five years.
We need everyone to be a part of finding a solution to this problem. Blame will not put more money back into the Unallocated Account.
Putting policies in place would begin to curtail spending and turn Student Senate toward fiscal responsibility.
If you have any suggestions or would like to make your voice heard, attend the next Finance Committee Meeting on Jan. 23 or e-mail me at aporate@ku.edu.
Porte is the student body treasurer.
To contribute to Free for All, visit Kansan.com or call 785-864-0500.
Dear pizza delivery guy, shot gun another beer with us.
On Saturday night, my friends and I heard some wolf calls from across campus, and we really want to know who you
--fight as well.
I would like to thank whoever left a newspaper in the Marvin Hall bathroom. It worked wonderfully after the toilet paper ran out
--fight as well.
Winston Churchill once said,
"If you're not a liberal at 20,
you have no heart. If you're
not a conservative at 40, you
have no head." Well, I guess I
heartless.
--fight as well.
I need to get out my key-blade and fight you. But then, of course, there would be a nobody that I would have to fight as well.
Don't get me wrong, I love The Wheel, but sometimes I look around at all of the frat guys and wonder, "Is this a gay bar?"
Because my roommates totaled my car this weekend, guess I will have to find hous- closer to campus.
ing closer to camp
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Happy birthday, Jason! You slut.
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I really hate wearing clothes
I want to say thank you Chancellor Robert Hemenway for what you have done for our University during the last 14 years.
I hate being constantly afraid I'm going to slip and fall in this slushfest.
State of emergency:It's finals time
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1
I love you.
Dear Free for All, Since when did xenophobic remarks become "something clever?" Really. You can do better.
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I'd say a big 10 on both of them.
Sweetheart, it's not smart to go outside in a V-neck. Your boobs will freeze.
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The snow punched me in the face.
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Study break! Need sex!
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