NEWS
3A
THE UNIVERSITY'S HAILY KANSAN
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2008
Tyler Waugh/KANSAN
Sara Thompson, Salina senior, came out to her parents over the phone. Although they weren't very upset at first, her mother later revealed her disappointment at losing her dream of Thompson getting married and having children. Thompson told she could still have a family, but her mother considered it unfulfilled.
Ashlynn Horas, Knoxville, Iowa, junior, had to face angry and disappointing reactions from her father and stepmother after it was revealed she had a girlfriend. Her father blamed himself and asked her what he could have done differently to prevent her from becoming a lesbian. "In his mind, it's not possible to be gay and happy," she said. "I think that was his main concern."
SPEAKING OUT (CONTINUED FROM 1A)
her sexual orientation, according to Wes Crenshaw, licensed psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest in Lawrence.
Crenshaw said discussions about sexu.
ality would be different for each person because each family had a different experience and level of exposure to gays and lesbians. He said visiting a therapist before talking to parents could be helpful for students regarding how the news is received. He also said when students decided to come out, they had to prepare for several outcomes — from really
good to really bad — and to decide how they would react in each case.
"Pretending was really hard. Having a big secret like that is just something that I can't deal with."
SARA THOMPSON Salina senior
"I think the watchword is to be strategic, to do more of what works and less of what doesn't," he said. "For some, holding out on the disclosure may be necessary to preserve financial support. For others, waiting just staves off an inevitable conflict and makes it worse."
Thompson, Salina senior, began to accept her sexual orientation during her freshman year at college. She told friends and her brother, who were all supportive. But she feared revealing who she was to her conservative parents.
SARA THOMPSON
Keith Floyd, licensed psychologist at Watkins Memorial Health Center, said whether people chose to come out or not, it was important for them to be comfortable about their decision. However, it could be hard for gay people to come out in an environment where they have no access to social support or other gay people to consult, he said.
Thompson recalled that on that first phone call, her mother's response seemed better than she expected. Thompson celebrated that night with a group of gay friends.
She called her parents in Salima a week before she planned to go back home, so she could give them enough time to think about it and then have a conversation.
“Pretending was really hard,” she said. “Having a big secret like that is just something that I can't deal with.”
Her mother revealed her disappointment at losing her dream for her daughter getting married and having children. When Thompson reassured her mother that she would still have a chance for a
But the next day, she was hurt when her parents said they would not support her anymore.
family, she responded that that would be sinful. When her mother then urged her to reconsider her decision, Thompson informed her that being a lesbian was not a decision. That ended the conversation, and tearful Thompson ran to her friend's apartment for solace and support.
When Thompson
Thompson next saw her parents four months later, during Thanksgiving at her grandparents' house, where the extended family gathered. She and her parents didn't talk with each other, but her mother told her as she left her grandmother's house, "I'm still upset about you. I hope it's worth it to you."
went to her parents' home a week later, her mother was not there. Her father announced to her with a somber face that they would take back her car and not pay her tuition. The conversation about her sexuality never happened.
Thompson chose not to go back home for Christmas, instead going to Dallas to the house of her mother's best friend, who disagreed with her mother's negative response to Thompson's sexuality.
After coming back from Dallas, she returned to her parents' home. Her father told he he worried about her riding a bike to work and decided to give her the car back. Thompson said she tried to repair the relationship with her parents, and her mother brought in a priest.
He sympathized with Thompson and suggested they call each other every week. After returning to Lawrence, she faithfully called her parents for the first several weeks. Thompson's frustration and anger grew bigger when they never called or called her back. She eventually stopped calling them.
Now she has to find a place to go every holiday, which makes her feel lonely. She tries to think about the positives she gained through the separation, such as her financial independence.
Her mother recently called and said she was always welcome to come home, but
Thompson wasn't ready to spend time with her mother, who still wants her to undergo counseling to reorient her sexuality.
"I told my mother it is part of my everyday life, and I don't want to have a relationship with people who don't accept me," Thompson said.
Someday, she hopes to have a family with a same-sex partner and restore a relationship with her parents when they fully understand and embrace her.
ASHLYNN HORRAS
Horras never got to choose the right moment to tell her father, mother and stepmother that she was a lesbian. Instead, she was outed by her own actions — publicly holding hands with a girl in her hometown, Knoxville, Iowa.
It happened on a summer evening, right after her junior year of high school. Horras was babysitting her half-brother and half-sister in his father's house. Lynelle, Horras' stepmother, who asked her last name not be used, came home from work and asked Horras to come into the patio room.
Horras, a junior, didn't realize she was a lesbian until she was strongly attracted to a girl in her high school. The girl she dated was so special to her that Horras wasn't afraid to hold her hand or hug her in public, which triggered a confrontation at home.
Lynelle said she learned about Horras' intimate relationship with the girl through her daughter, who saw Horras with her girlfriend, and demanded to know about it. Horras responded that it was not different from relationships she had with boys previously. Her stepmother yelled at her, citing Bible passages that condemned gays and lesbians as sinners. She also demanded to know if Horras had done anything to her siblings and informed her she could no longer take care of them.
Her father summoned her the next day and asked why she became a lesbian and what he could have done differently as a father. Horrs sat in silence crying, just listening to him blame himself and her mother, his ex-wife.
"In his mind, it's not possible to be gay and happy," she said. "I think that was his main concern."
She ran to her mother's home and came out to her, telling her that her father and stepmother were upset at her for being a lesbian.
Her mother, Alda Knight, was accepting and said she already knew about Horras' relationship with the girl. Knight admitted
she was concerned that Horras couldn't get married or have a happy family, but she thought she had to be supportive.
Horras stopped visiting her father's house for a while, but she received Christmas and birthday cards from her stepmother. She started to spend time with her father and stepmother again, recognizing their attempt to repair the relationship.
It has been four years since Horras' sexual orientation became open to her family. She feels her father doesn't completely accept her, but she also recognizes changes in her father. He used to avoid talking about her relationship or girlfriend. However, when she visited during the Thanksgiving break, he asked her about her girlfriend for the first time.
CRYSTAL HONG
Hong and her partner, Jocelyn Bencken, were married in Florida in March although the ceremony was not recognized by the state. Hong's mother and brother attended
the wedding to hear them pledge to spend the rest of their lives together. Hong wished her father could have been there, but he still doesn't even know she is a lesbian.
Since accepting her sexuality during her senior year of high school, Hong, Rose Hill senior, hasn't hesitated to talk about it to anybody — except her father.
- except her father.
Fearing his rejection and possible loss of his financial support, Hong has passed up many opportunities to come out. She doesn't want to disappoint her father who has dreamed of walking down the wedding aisle with his only daughter.
"I'm not going to ruin my dad's life oanyone's until I know that it's worth it," she said.
Hong was born of an American mother and Korean father, who immigrated at the age of 15. Her parents were divorced when she was in seventh grade, and her father got custody.
Before accepting her own sexuality, Hong admitted she was homophobic. Her church taught that homosexuality was sinful, and she couldn't lose her homophobia until she first dated a girl in eighth grade. She quickly ended the relationship, frightened that others might find out. She then forced herself to be straight, dating men
"He's got a lot of hopes and dreams for his only daughter. If he finds out that I'm gay, it's just the end for him because his only daughter is a lesbian."
until her senior year.
She recalled riding in the car on the way to dinner at Applebee's when she told her mother she was dating a girl. As expected, her mother was accepting and even joked about her being homophobic when she was younger.
CRYSTAL HONG Rose Hill senior
Meeting gay friends in her high school helped her overcome her fear. Once she was comfortable about her sexuality, she shocked teachers and peers, holding the hand of her former girlfriend publicly. Some of them reacted with overt discrimination to her and disgust. Hong said she was excited to come out to her mother, who herself came out as a lesbian a year earlier.
Hong's mother, who asked her name not be used because she works for an Army Reserve, had lived with fear for most of her life before coming out.
She said although she was worried about
"I don't want her to live a life like me," her mother said.
her daughter's safety and challenges she might face in her life because of her sexual orientation, she was glad she could come out earlier.
While Hong appreciated the support of her mother, coming out to her old-fashioned father is more challenging.
"He's a very traditional Christian and
thinks homosexuality is wrong, and he always talks about me getting married and having kids." Hong said. "He's got a lot of hopes and dreams for his only daughter. If he finds out that I'm gay, it's just the end for him because his only daughter is a lesbian."
When Hong was living with her father, she was frustrated with his authoritarian behavior and lack of affection for her or her brother.
She was jealous of friends' fathers who hugged and kissed their children. He tried to be a correct father, she said, but he failed to pay enough attention to her life and emotional status.
While they had disagreements and she sometimes even confronted him, Hong always tried to be a good daughter by earning good grades and participating in extra-
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