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My girlfriend and I just said "I love you" to each other. I meant it when I said it, but now she won't stop saying it. Should I try to say it more to make our relationship better?
Mark, junior
Matt: Sorry, Mark, but if you really meant it when you said it, you should have no problem saying it every time you see your girlfriend."I love you" is a phrase that should never get old as long as your emotion backs up your declaration.
If you try, but still can't manage to get out the words more often, you may need to rethink both of your love assertions. Ask your girlfriend what makes her feel the way she
does. If she has an unconvincing answer, don't feel as badly about not saying it too often—she may have said it too soon, as well.
But, if she has a realistic response that considers the feelings of both you, and you feel the same way, go ahead and shout the "L" word from the rooftops. You would have no problem declaring facts such as the sky is blue or the earth is round, so if you do love your girlfriend, declaring your love for her should
just be such a fact.
Fran: Well, I think you learned an important lesson here: Don't tell a girl that you love her unless you are prepared to tell her every time you talk to her from then on out. Saying "I love you" translates to "I'm not breaking up with you any time soon," which is a reassurance many girls want and need to hear every day from their significant other.
My ex felt the same way as you about saying "I love you." He didn't see the need to verbalize what he thought was obvious. He would say it back to me if I said it first, but that always made me feel like the only reason he was telling me he loved me was because he knew I would get upset if he didn't. So, the purpose of the words was defeated—he knew I loved him, he did not need me to tell him—and I did not feel reassured at all, because I had said the words first.
You made the mistake of telling your girlfriend you loved her before you were ready to properly back that statement up, and this isn't your girlfriend's fault. You need to start telling her you love her first before she starts to feel insecure, starts doubting the relationship and breaks up with you.
I went on two dates with a guy and then lost all interest. I wasn't going to call him to tell him, but he kept calling me so I had to finally tell him off. Is it bad that I wasn't even going to call the guy?
-Janna, sophomore
Matt: You must have had a twinge of interest in this guy if you went on a subsequent date with him, so it's interesting that you consider yourself completely done with the guy, when you had expressed interest in him, whether it was interest in his personality, his looks or even his money.
For you to have lost interest so quickly, he probably said something weird or offputting during the date. It is justified that you lost interest so quickly, Janna, but to not communicate this is sketchy.
Your date was obviously not done dating you, and because you didn't make it clear after your second date that nothing was going to happen, you should have made the courtesy call. Dwelling on the past doesn't seem to be your forte, but for the past to not affect your future, you need to close as many open wounds from the past as you can, as small as those wounds may be.
Fran: This is a classic "easier said than done" situation. You don't need me to tell you what to do here—its pretty obvious. The mature action to take is to tell the guy that you are no longer interested. You thought there might be a spark, but once you went on a date, you realized your feelings were purely platonic. There's no shame in
telling him this, and though he might be disappointed, he should understand.And, if he isn't understanding, that's his problem not yours.
You're being unfair to him by not telling him the truth when he has done nothing wrong—that I know of—to deserve such cold treatment. Still, if he doesn't get the hint by now and continues to call you, he's bringing the daily rejection upon himself.
It's really a win-win outcome if you tell this guy the truth. He can move on, and you can stop receiving annoying and inconvenient phone calls.
I brought this girl home from the bar, not intending to have sex with her, but just to make out. As we were about to fall asleep she asked me to take her home. When we got to her house she asked if I wanted to come up and stay the night. I didn't go up, but should I have?
—Erik,senior
Matt: Good for you, Erik, for resisting this power-hungry girl you picked up. This girl is smart for having you take her to her house (for safety reasons), but asking you to stay the night at her place shows she isn't too worried about her safety and was only wanting to be in control.
The girl didn't respect your wishes of wanting only to make out. If she had wanted to do more than liplock, it wouldn't have mattered your location. You should be hesitant about this girl who's making you schlep around Lawrence.
Don't feel bad for not respecting this girl's wishes of staying at her place. Have this girl show a little respect for you first, and then you can contemplate acting on her requests.
Fran: Either this girl has never had a one-night stand and doesn't know the rules, or she's a psycho bitch. I think it's admirable that you even took her home. I would have told her to call a friend. She shouldn't have gone home with you if she didn't plan to stay the night. Spending the night at her place after she pulled that stunt would have reinforced her inappropriate behavior.
Because you were not planning to have sex with her, there was no reason to go up to her place. On the other hand, if you were planning to have sex with her, why not go upstairs? If she's crazy outside the bedroom, who knows what she has in store for you inside the bedroom.
Bitch and Moan should not be taken as a substitute for professional, expert advice.
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December 4,2008