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I hooked up with a guy and he turned into a jerk. I want to unfriend him on Facebook, because seeing his profile brings back painful memories. However, I don't want to be immature and make things more awkward. What's the proper etiquette with Facebook de-friending of former flames? Michelle, senior
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(Inside The Pool Room)
Matt: Nothing in the cyber world feels worse than seeing that pink heart pop up on your news feed with your ex-fling's name next to it. It's impossible not to click and find out who is getting duped next.
Google e-mail now has a feature called "mail goggles" to help users avoid embarrassing drunk e-mailing. The feature gives you a math problem to solve before the e-mail can be sent. Unfortunately, Facebook doesn't offer a similar self-control device to help you decide if you want to see a certain person's pictures, status updates or relationships pop up on your computer screen.
Then again, sometimes it's more satisfying to see a broken pink heart next to the jerk's name. You decide.
So, Michelle, de-friend your former flame if you can't resist the temptation. If it was just a hook-up, don't worry about ending the Facebook friendship. Focus more on moving on to better people.
Fran: If this guy really is a jerk, he won't care if you de-friend him. He probably won't even notice. I don't notice people have defriended me until they show up in my "people you may know" section, or the link to their profile doesn't automatically appear when I type their first name into the search section.
I didn't notice that one guy I dated for a few weeks had de-friended me until a year later. Apparently he de-friended me when he saw on his home page that I was engaged. I'm not the type of person who de-friends people—you
never know when you might want to access their profiles in the future—so I was extremely angry with him at first. But when he explained why he had de-friended me, I understood. It's not like we ever talked anymore, anyway.
I am a very independent person and I consider having someone special in your life an added bonus, but not a necessity. Is this a good way of thinking when it comes to relationships? Tim,junior
Matt: Ketchup, like your "someone special," is an added bonus to the hamburger of life. The meat (faux meat for you vegetarians out there) is your life, and the optional toppings are other added bonuses in your life that you choose to pile on.
The bun, though, is what encompasses the burger and makes it complete. For some people, this is their job. For others, it's their friends and family. And for many more, including myself, it's their relationships.
You have other important matters besides significant others that give you more pleasure and a more complete feeling at the end of the day. There's no problem with this, as long as you can find "someone specials" who feel the same way.
However, once you're ready for relationships to be more important in your life, don't be surprised when other hamburgers have moved on to fresher buns and you're left alone with stale bread.
Fran: If you're the type of person who doesn't need a relationship to be happy, more power to you. You are a stronger person than I am, and the majority of society.
That being said, you need to understand that many people you will be romantically interested in may not have the same frame of mind. They will not be your rock, but you will be theirs. You either need to only date people who are as independent as you, or you need to be extremely sensitive to the needs of your partners.
I have been the victim of a relationship in which the person knew how fragile I was and knew he couldn't meet my needs but selfishly dated me anyway.Girls are especially likely to find themselves in this situation.You can emotionally damage someone beyond repair by dating him or her for fun while knowing the person has serious intentions Don't be that guy.
I have this great friend who is always with his boyfriend. I like him, but he is stealing my friend. Should I confront the problem of my friend not spending enough time with me, or just leave the couple be and take what I can get?
—Alex, sophomore
Matt: Your friend knows he doesn't spend enough time with his friends. I know of some people who drop their friends once they're in a relationship and only attempt to rekindle when they're single again. I hope your friend isn't this kind of person, and he probably isn't considering you took the time to seek advice.
It's difficult to intrude on your friend's free time that he wants to spend with his significant other. And, when looking at your friends' lives, you should be content with what makes them happy. For your friend, this is spending time with his boyfriend.
Fran: I am sorry to say I am one of those people who disregard my friends when I am content in a relationship. It's a behavior I am attempting to end. Even though I know this, it pisses me off when my friends whine or yell at me about the amount of time I spend with my boyfriend, and it makes me not want to hang out with that person at all.
So, Alex, take what you can get and be happy for your friend.
Confronting your friend or his boyfriend is a bad idea. I am not saying that what is happening to you is fair, but starting an argument is not going to resolve this issue. It's only going to make your friend and his boyfriend resent you.
Bitch and Moan should not be taken as a substitute for professional, expert advice.
Send your sex and relationship questions to bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
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November 20,2008