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Keeping it courtly
As dated as chivalry may seem some centuries-old dating manners deserve a second look
To pay or not to pay: Some women appreciate modern-day chivalrous actions from men, such as paying for dinner, while other women might find such actions insulting.
Photo illustration by Chance Dibben
By Matt Hirschfeld
mhirschfeld@kansan.com
Men and their chivalrous gestures never cease to amaze Becca Sparling. Her freshman year, a first date told her he was going to buy her flowers. The Burnsville, Minn., senior, says the gesture made her feel awkward and so uncomfortable she didn't want to continue the date. In another instance, a guy friend opened the car door for her, which threw her pleasantly off-guard.
Chivalrous courtly love has seen various forms since it conception: Bowing before a woman in medieval times, asking a woman's father for her hand in marriage during 19th-century, and ordering dinner at a restaurant for a woman in the 1950s. Today, after women have burned bras and roared for their liberation, chivalrous gestures may no longer seem necessary for men. The numerous chivalrous gestures a man can attempt dance a fine line between polite and insulting.
"It made me think, 'Oh my God, that was so sweet. This is what I should be expecting from a guy.'" she says.
The real definition of chivalry goes back further than dating and courtship, says Scott Farrell, founder of the Chivalry Today Educational Program and www.chivalrytoday. com. He says chivalry's broader sense is about ethics and honor that are appropriate to all aspects of life.
We all have a desire to be with someone who is fair, honest and ethical, Farrell says. "What's the biggest complaint that women have about men? They say they'll call and they never do.They're not honest. They say they're single but they really aren't. All of these are tied into the concept of honor, integrity and fidelity that are tied into the idea of chivalry."
Farrell says people have different ways of expressing chivalry today. It used to be that men always held doors open for a woman, but now it's more a sense of who gets to the door first opens it for someone else. "You just don't slam the door for the person walking behind you—whether you're male or female." he says.
men to make chivalrous gestures when going on dates.
Elizabeth Eby didn't have a door slam in her face, but it felt as though she did when a date dropped her off and sped away. The St. Louis sophomore says her date could have at least waited until she made it to her front door:"Just to make sure I didn't get stolen or something," she says.
Bohdi Sanders, who discusses the concept of chivalry in his book, The Wisdom Warrior, says he has received hundreds of responses to his book from women in their early 20s to late 40s who say they are looking for men who act in a chivalrous manner.
When the Titanic sank, 74 percent of the women on board lived and 80 percent of the men died. A 20-foot statue was erected to honor the men who displayed their chivalrous natures and gave up their seats on lifeboats.The inscription on the statue reads:"To the brave men who perished in the wreck of the Titanic:They gave their lives that women and children might be saved."
He also says women who feel that chivalry is an unnecessary part of a date most likely have low self-esteem and feel they don't deserve to be treated in a chivalrous manner because they never have been before.
Eby says she thinks it's still necessary for
A date of Jacquelyn Miller's, though, was on his way out of consciousness before the
"When women are on a date and their date treats them chivalrously, they really do enjoy being treated that way after all," Sanders says.
"But if they were to be like,'Your mother taught you well', or 'Not many guys do that'—those side comments are what make me conscious of them.' Voth says.
Mitch Voth, Wichita senior, says chivalrous gestures are a conscious but understood effort on his part. If a date has no reaction to, for example, him opening a door for her, the Wichita senior just considers it a polite gesture.
date even started. Miller, Tulsa, Okla., senior, says her date was drunk when she met him at a bar for their first date. This threw her off, and she knew the date was at do-not-ressuscite status when he continued to get drunk and didn't make an effort to ask her one question about herself. At midnight, Miller asked him to walk her to her car. She says that after talking more about himself on the walk, she was fed up and just
got in the car. He entered the nearest bar and continued to drink.
Miller's horrendous date reinforced her belief that guys think chivalry is unimportant because it's an old-fashioned concept.
"Every girl still loves the door to be held open for her." Miller says. "Every girl still loves getting flowers and presents, and every girl likes feeling special, whether they realize it or not."
November 20,2008
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