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The parent trap What to do when your parents don't like your boo
By Carly Halvorson chalvorson@kansan.com
Right off the bat, Erica Braker's mom didn't like her boyfriend. Braker, Fort Scott senior, says her mom found him pesky and annoying. She feared he would get her daughter into trouble and turn her into a rebellious teen, despite the fact that Braker's boyfriend was the preacher's son.
Braker ignored her mom's reasoning and continued to date him on and off for four years. During this time, Braker's boyfriend cheated on her. Then, she says, her mom really didn't like him. Braker says she stayed with him because she had the "I'll do what I want" attitude typical of many teenagers.
According to Sarah Newton, author of Help! My Teenager is an Alien, a situation like Braker's is not uncommon. She estimates that 80 percent of parents disapprove of the person their child chooses to date.
Don't mind the bike, he loves furry animals. Parents' first impressions of their child's significant other are almost always based on appearance.
Newton says parents disapproving of their child's significant other can have damaging consequences. It can put too much pressure on the couple's relationship. While the partner is wondering why the parents don't approve, the child is under pressure to please both their parents and their partner in a tense environment. This is what happened in Braker's situation. She says her boyfriend never wanted to come over to her house or do anything that might involve her parents, while her mom insisted he was too immature and Braker had too much potential to be dating him. Braker ultimately broke up with him after he cheated on her a second time, but the two still remain amiable.
Parents' disapproval of a significant other can also damage the relationship between the parents and their child." In essence, by the parent not approving of their child's partner, they are saying, 'I do not trust you to make the right choices for yourself,' Newton says. "That can never be a good basis of a strong parent-child bond."
In more extreme cases, Newton says she has dealt with students being thrown out of the house or running away from home. Sometimes the police have even been involved when the parents assaulted their child's boyfriend or girlfriend. Newton says she even had a case where the child's partner was killed in a physical confrontation with the family.In this particular incident, the tension was based on race—an Asian woman began dating a white man, and the girl's parents didn't want her to date a man who was not Asian.
Reasons for not liking a child's boyfriend or girlfriend vary on what things are most important to the parents. Newton says if a parent is concerned with social class, they will base their judgment on the significant other's social status. If the parents focus more on academics, they will look at the partner's academic background and stature with a more critical eye. Newton adds that first impressions are almost always
based on how the person looks. One student says his ex-girlfriend's parents, whom he describes as being very conservative, were immediately turned off by his clothes and the punk rock music he listened to.
Elaine Mazlish, co-author of How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, says it's never an easy situation when parents don't approve of the person their son or daughter is dating. The most important thing to overcoming the friction between parents and their child is an open and honest line of communication.
"If a parent feels there's something not right, it's important to let their child know," Mazlish says. "For parents to be able to say, I respect your judgment. I believe you have a strong intuitive sense. If something doesn't feel right for you, I want you to trust your own judgment—that's an important attitude for parents to have."
"My parents never said they didn't like him, i just knew," Hoffman says. "They never told me how to live my life and what was good for me and who I should love. They knew I would figure it out for myself, and that was a part of growing up."
Bailey Hoffman, Spring Hill junior, says at first, her parents liked her boyfriend of three years. However, Hoffman's boyfriend became dependent on her family and grew mean toward her. When her parents noticed a change in her behavior and in the relationship, they began to dislike him.
In Mazlish's experience, this kind of relationship between parents and their child—in which the parents completely back off to allow the student to make his or her own choices—doesn't occur very frequently. Instead, Mazlish says students are more likely to be put down or to hear things like. "What is wrong with you? Can't you see what a jerk he is? Open your eyes!" For Hoffman's parents to let her make her own choices shows an underlying respect, Mazlish says.
Both Mazlish and Newton emphasize the importance of honesty in the parent-child relationship and in the couple's relationship. If the situation becomes too tense or places too much strain on either relationship, a talk with everyone involved is the best way to try to resolve the issue.
It's not necessary for the parents to approve of their child's significant other. It's more important for everyone involved to handle the situation like adults.
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November 13,2008
Photo illustration by Alex Bonham-Carter