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I haven't been in a serious relationship for the past few years. I don't want to commit if it doesn't have long-term potential. So I'm left with lukewarm dates and friendships. Should I just date these guys I don't have chemistry with for the experience, or should I keep holding out for the one? Joel, senior
Fran: Dating someone you don't see as a life partner is a waste of your time and your potential boyfriend's time. I have been on the receiving end of "he's just not that into you" relationships, and it's extremely devastating to be told one or two months into a relationship."I just don't see this going anywhere." My response is always. "If you knew from the beginning this relationship had a small chance of progressing, why did you bother dating me? I could have been out looking for the right person instead of wasting my time on a relationship that was apparently doomed form the start." It's not fair to your partner to lead him on like that.
When you do find "the one," Joel, the
Not to mention you would be shutting yourself off from other opportunities that do have potential if you succumbed to your loneliness. That, or you would meet someone whom you have feelings for; but you cannot commit to immediately because you are already in a relationship. Breaking up with a significant other to date someone else is always a messy situation.
As someone who hates being alone, I can completely understand your quandary. But being in a dead-end relationship is a lose-lose situation, so do yourself and everyone else involved in your love life a favor by staying single and focusing on making yourself the best person you can possibly be. That way, when the right person comes along, you'll be ready.
Matt: Fran mentioned attempting to be "the best person you can possibly be." I don't understand how Joel could be this person if he has no dating experience under his belt. He can read as many Dating for Dummies and Nicholas Sparks novels as he wants, but nothing compares to the experience you gain from putting yourself out there and dating.
chemistry you have with him won't matter if you don't know how to be in a relationship with him. The chemistry becomes irrelevant if all you'll be able to do is finish each other's sentences and laugh at each other's jokes. You need past relationships to reflect upon and learn from. Then, when you and "the one" hit a rough patch, you will be better equipped to deal with the problem. Of course, every relationship is different, but similar problems arise with most couples, and so it's helpful to know in general how to remedy a certain situation.
With one guy I dated, we were inseparable for the first couple weeks. We had some real chemistry and I thought he might have been "the one." After about a month, it became stale and went downhill. So, Joel, real chemistry can sometimes be misleading and these "ukewarm dates" could actually turn into something more substantial.
I met a girl at a party and we got high and drunk and we hooked up. The only problem is that she's engaged. What should I do?
Andrew, senior
Fran: To put it bluntly, the girl is probably not going to leave her fiancée for you. If you ever have an affair with a married woman, it's unlikely she will leave her husband for you. It
doesn't matter if you are more attractive, more of a gentleman or more intelligent. She and her boyfriend were clearly in love at one time. He would not have asked her to marry him if that were not true. Chances are they have somehow grown apart and now she's trying to fill that void with you. when really she needs to work out her problems with him.
The likeliness she will choose you instead of her boyfriend does not hinge on her connection with you in any way. It is directly tied to the status of her current relationship. If she decides to talk to her boyfriend about her doubts and he lovingly reassures her of his feelings and commits to working out their problems, you're out—plain and simple. That's what she needed to hear from him all along. But if he doesn't meet her emotional needs after she talks to him, the chances that she will leave him for you just increased.
I must point out that this type of cheating is not the same as rebounding, though, because women who are engaged have a difficult time letting go of their relationships, even if they know they're not working. Don't push her to make up her mind too quickly. If she makes the wrong choice because you were pressuring her, both of you could end up with broken hearts when this ordeal is all said and done.
Matt: You've left Fran and me with a very open-ended question, Andrew. Fran assumed you like this person and that it was more than just a hook-up for you. I'll tackle the issue of awkwardly seeing this person again, and maybe even seeing her fiancée.
You and this girl know what happened was wrong. There's no real way of denying and justifying it. You have two choices: avoid this girl entirely, or confront the situation.
If you avoid her, be smart about it. Whoever you went to that party with, think twice about going to another party with them, because you and the girl know some of the same people. If any Facebook friendship or messaging occurred, de-friend her and delete any trace of her. If you see her in public, run and hide. It may seem extreme, but you can't half-ass a situation like this.
If you decide to confront her, be amiable and mature about it. Do not become defensive or start pointing fingers. Ask her who knows what happened and what you two should do about it. Discuss how you two should act if you do ever see each other in public. I suggest taking this route. It's much better than ducking behind a trash can the next time you see her.
Send your sex and relationship questions to bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
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November 6,2008