MANUAL
Taking the blame
The art of apologizing to your partner
By Heather Melanson hmelanson@kansan.com
Lindsay Brown, Perry junior, felt bad after cheating on her now ex-boyfriend of more than three years. The day after Brown cheated, she went to her ex-boyfriend's house to confess her infidelity. She apologized for cheating and acknowledged her wrongdoing, but her ex-boyfriend didn't accept her apology. He told her to leave his house, and ended the relationship.
Apologies can be tough to muster, but it's important to own up to poor actions or behaviors and apologize to a significant other when you've hurt him or her, and to try to mend what's been broken. But just because you apologize doesn't mean the apology will be accepted, as Brown discovered.
Vickie Hull, a marriage and family therapist at Lawrence Therapy Services, 2200 Harvard Road, says trust is like a free gift given at the start of a relationship. When one party betrays that trust, it's not freely handed out again. It takes time and effort to gain trust back. Apologizing shows your partner that you value his or her trust.
Apologizing is like taking a risk, because you make yourself vulnerable to the other
person. When you admit to doing something wrong and apologize, it can feel like you're giving your partner the upper hand in the situation. Hull says if the person won't accept the apology, ask your partner why they won't and what else they need from you, because you have to show you're willing to fulfill your partner's needs.
If an apology doesn't work, maybe that's because the apology is self-centered or places the blame on the other person. There are some foolproof ways to make your situation worse and piss off your partner even more by giving a bad apology. Here's how not to say you're sorry.
Texting and e-mailing
It's too easy to hide behind your phone or computer screen. Punch some buttons or keys, click send and you're done. Hull says much of our communication is nonverbal, so it's important to make your apology face-to-face with eye contact. Interpreting an "I'm sorry" through a text or e-mail is too difficult, and it's often hard to tell if the apology is sincere.
Damn, you caught me
Apologizing because you got caught isn't an apology, either. Hull says. Looking out for yourself because you don't want to be reprimanded doesn't show your partner that you care about his or her feelings. It just shows that you would continue with your action or behavior if you could get away with it. Show you're sorry that you hurt your partner, not that you got caught.
Excuses and blaming
If "but" is involved in your apology, then you're really not apologizing, you're making excuses or placing the blame on your partner. Hull says an apology should never start with "you," but should always start with "l."
Repetition
If you say "I'm sorry" all the time, it loses its meaning. Don't jump too quickly to apologizing every time something goes awry in your relationship. It will seem like you're apologizing just to get your partner off your back.
If you find yourself continually apologizing for the same behavior, then that's another problem. Anne Owen, Lawrence psychologist.
says if a person keeps apologizing for the same behavior then that person just isn't getting it. She says something is wrong in the relationship if a partner finds that he or she is repeatedly apologizing for the same thing.
Demanding acceptance
Just because you've apologized doesn't mean you can demand your partner accept the apology. It's your partner's decision whether they want to accept and forgive. Owen says, and he or she has the right to react to what's happened.
Many factors determine whether your partner will forgive you, Hull says. Past relationships, religion, personality and the level of hurt are all common factors that go into forgiving, she says. In fact, it's wise for the hurt partner to think before extending his or her trust again, Hull says.
Next time you find yourself saying sorry to your partner, make sure it's sincere. It's okay to take time apart after a fight or disagreement so you and your partner can reflect on what happened, says Owen. After apologizing, time and actions will show you were truly sorry for hurting your partner, Owen says. You can show you're sorry with flowers, but there have to be words, too.
Vickie Hull, Lawrence Therapy Services marriage and family therapist, explains how to apologize:
Take time to process and think about what's happened. Soak it in.
2. After you've thought about the situation, go back to your partner and own up to what you've done with sincerity.
3. Listen to your partner Try to see things through a different perspective so you can figure out what you did wrong.Try to connect to your partner's perspective Ask him or her questions so you can understand and clarify the situation.
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November 6,2008