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with Matt Hirschfeld and Francesca Chambers
What's the difference between dating someone and seeing someone, and what are the boundaries?
Matt: "The Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow, but we've invented three times that many words for relationships." Sarah Jessica Parker's character said on an episode Sex and the City.
—Frank, senior
Talking is exactly what the name implies. The two of you talk on the phone, text, Facebook each other, maybe hang out, but only one of you or neither of you know if
The dating stage of any relationship is the most fun part. The only commitments that have been set are to be at a certain place at a certain time. No restrictions or boundaries have been decided. The main goal is to get to know the other person and judge whether a more serious connection can develop.
You, Frank, have thankfully narrowed it down to two definitions.
The caveat to dating, though, is that people can date as many people as they want at one time. It's only when these dates move into "seeing each other" territory that feelings more than fun are on the line.
The way to determine if you are ready for a connection beyond dating is to talk about it with the other person. You can't assume that just because you're going on several dates with the same person that her thoughts are in line with yours. If you assume the status of a relationship without discussing it, you might find yourself out in the cold with the Eskimos.
**Francesca:** I've always put those two terms in the same category of relationship-speak. I usually define relationships as talking, dating, a long-term relationship, engaged and married. So I'm going to translate your question to, "What are the differences between talking and dating?"
you see a long-term relationship together in the future. You are still basically getting to know each other. Dating is when you are going on dates, making out, having sex, whatever—you get the idea. Generally this is when you are boyfriend and girlfriend and you can count on each other to leave at least one evening a week open to spend time together.
These boundaries will never be clearly defined. No two relationships are exactly the same. Friends with benefits clearly don't fit into my rubric—I'd say that's a gray area between talking and dating—and neither do relationships where one or both parties are going on dates with other people.
The only people who can accurately categorize your relationship are you and your partner. The "so, what are we?" conversation isn't one many people want to have, but if you have been confused about the status of your relationship for more than a month, you need to go ahead and initiate it. As I have said before, don't waste time mending or creating a relationship with someone whom you can't see becoming your life partner. It's not worth the emotional distress, or worth your time.
Do guys find it weird when you meet them once and then friend them on Facebook? Nina, senior
Matt: It all depends on the situation.
Nina. If you casually met him once in class or at a party, with no opportunity to get his
full name, it's obvious you did all you could to seek him out on Facebook and friend him. This includes looking at his papers in class for his last name or asking around a party. I know many girls who would find this weird and a tad obsessive if a guy were to do it, so it's no different for a girl.
I would take suit with one of my friend's Facebook policies. She never requests friendship first. She waits until the other person requests friendship. This creates no ambiguity on your part, and then you can judge for yourself if it's too soon or too weird to be requesting friendship.
If that's too extreme for you, I would recommend at least three chance or intentional meetings between you and your potential Facebook friend before requesting friendship. By that time, you'll have established a connection with the guy beyond being in the guy's mind as "the weird girl who friended me after I barely remember meeting her."
Francesca: If you and this guy really hit it off, why wouldn't you Facebook friend him? The rules for Facebook friending guys are the same as the rules for friending girls. If you are interested in hanging out with that person, go ahead and friend him or her. If the person doesn't accept your friend request, then move on. At least you didn't get rejected to your face.
I added a guy on Facebook after the second time we talked. I would've added him after the first time we talked, but we didn't exchange names the first time, oddly enough. He didn't act weird about it and accepted my request. He even sent me a private message that turned into a string of messages, and now we always hang out after the class we have together.
The key is not to seem overzealous. Sending a friendship request to a guy you are interested in is not a deal-breaker, but stalking his Facebook profile and mentioning comments other people leave on it—especially girls—will get you de-friended or ignored. I actually had a boyfriend de-friend and then block me on Facebook because he was tired of hearing me nag him about his wall.
Go ahead and Facebook friend him, but let him make the next move. It should become clear pretty quickly after the Facebook request if he sees you as girlfriend material or not.
Bitch and Moan should not be taken as a substitute for professional, expert advice.
Send us your sex and relationship questions at bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
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October 30,2008