CONTACT
I really like my friend, but he's gay. What should I do? $ ^{—} S., \textit{sophomore} $
Mattt: I know your gay friend makes you feel as if you two were meant to be together. You probably have the same favorite movies and TV shows and it seems like you can talk to him about almost anything. Don't, however, tell him about your feelings for him.
He has his own priorities with finding a guy of his own. He doesn't need to be bogged down wondering if a hug between friends means more to you than it does to him.
I had a friend like you in high school. She really was my best friend at the time, and because of this, she eventually took on the role a clingy girlfriend would otherwise occupy. She tried to tell me who to date and poured when I would break a friend date for a gay date. She never understood that for gay men, gay dates always trump straight dates.
For now, consider yourself lucky for having a friend you click with so well. If the situation gets out of hand and you can no longer control your feelings for him and you decide to tell him, it'll most likely make your friendship awkward and cause you two to eventually drift apart.
Debra Messing's character on Will & Grace put it best when she was talking to a friend who was in love with her gay friend:
"You will never have him," she said. "He's gay, you're straight. He will never change."
Francesca: Freshman year I fell deep in like with this guy whose sexual orientation I'm still a little unsure of. To make a long story short, everyone thought my love interest was gay and that he simply saw me as his girl friend, not his girlfriend. Everyone but me, that is.
Like Matt's friend, I had mistaken our immediate connection for romance. When I think about the time I wasted dressing up on days I knew I would see him and how I put my relationship with my real boyfriend in jeopardy over that situation, I am utterly embarrassed and mad at myself. I really wish someone had told it to me straight—no pun intended.
After college, it will be difficult to find a significant other. No longer are you in an environment where an attractive guy who is most likely single could walk by any second. Don't waste this time trying to turn your gay friend straight. You would have better luck turning an unreliable party boy into your devoted, faithful boyfriend than you'd have changing your gay friend's sexual preference.
Why is it that people say guys in college don't want relationships, but all of my girlfriends have college-aged boyfriends and all of my college guy friends have girlfriends? I feel alone and discouraged.
Jody, junior
Matt: You need to stop comparing yourself to your friends. It's a slippery slope that will only lead not only to being discouraged, but being friendless, too. The worst reason for you to want to be in a relationship is just because your friends are in relationships. It makes you desperate and willing to accept any guy who shows interest.
If you're tired of being the "third wheel" when going out with your friends who are couples, ask a friend to accompany you. It will give you someone to talk to when your friends are doing something "couple-y" such as feeding each other dessert or arguing over whose turn it is to pay the check.
You should embrace your friends and their relationships. Ask them how their relationship is going and how they found each other. It may even lead them to setting you up with one of their friends for one of those ever-so-awkward but promising blind dates.
And I don't know who told you "guys don't want relationships," but I recommend to stop letting stereotypes influence your decision-making. You should start looking at people as individuals and not lump them together as them, happy and together, and you, alone and lonely.
Francesca: Today, for the first time, you are leaving me no choice but put the Bitch in Bitch and Moan. I don't know what you look like compared to your friends, but I would assume there's a reason you're single
and they're not. Perhaps the reason you are having problems finding datable men is because you are setting your standards too high.
Okay, now on to the advice that will hopefully get you a boyfriend and get you to the Moan part of Bitch and Moan. You are probably looking in all the wrong places for men. Unfortunately, stereotypical frat guys who go to bars such as the The Hawk date stereotypical girls who go to The Hawk. It's not these boys' fault they were taught any girl who's an eight or below on the Hot or Not test and doesn't have blond hair and blue eyes isn't worth their time, but it is a reality.
But there is hope! I've found that the recreation center is an awesome place to meet guys. The explanation I have come up with for this phenomenon is that hot, sweaty girls exercising turns guys on. Your workout gives them a preview of how you will fare in the bedroom. Showing a guy that staying in shape is important to you can't hurt, either. And, even if you don't pick up a guy at the rec center, toning up those abs is still a step in the right direction.
Bitch and Moan should not be taken as a substitute for professional, expert advice.
Send us your sex and relationship questions at bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
HOWWE MET
Kari Woods knew the man she was going to marry before she ever saw his face. Kari now works as a program assistant at the University's Center for Research on Learning, but in 1985, Woods was working for a long-distance phone company near Kansas City, Kan. Her now-husband, Bob Woods, worked at one of the company's subsidiaries in Dallas.
She and Bob would call each other for work-related reasons, but Kari says by the end of their conversations, talk would usually turn to more personal matters.
"We ended up using free long-distance to
get to know each other," Kari says.
The couple became engaged in March 1986. They now live in Baldwin City with their son Andy, 16, and will celebrate their 22nd anniversary on Nov. 22.
When the company's Dallas staff moved to Kansas City, Kan., in 1985, Kari offered to show Bob around the city to get him more acquainted. Even before they met in person, though, Kari says she knew this was the person she wanted to marry.
Matt Hirschfeld
Contributed photos (Above) Bob, Kari and son Andy at home in March 2008. (Right) Kari and Bob in 1986, shortly after becoming engaged.
October 9,2008
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