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Close encounters of the EX kind
How to handle a runin with an ex without having to run and hide
By Carly Halvorson chalvorson@kansan.com
Sean Galloway knew the possibility of avoiding his ex-girlfriend would be pretty slim. The two lived in the same neighborhood and both played ultimate Frisbee. They also had the same group of close friends who hung out constantly. During their relationship, Galloway's ex began to have feelings for one of their mutual friends, and these feelings led to the end of their relationship. Immediately after the breakup, Galloway's ex began dating their friend.
One night, Galloway went out with a different group of friends to grab a drink at Harbour Lights when he saw his ex with her new boyfriend.
"The situation was inherently awkward," says Galloway, 2008 graduate. "Everyone was just sitting there like there was this big elephant in the room."
There are about 84 bars and more than 200 restaurants in Lawrence. According to the U.S. Census, Lawrence had an estimated population of more than 89,000 in 2007. With numbers like that, it should be safe to assume that the odds of being able to dodge one person are pretty good. Nevertheless, many students have had to endure that awkward encounter with an ex.
Mollee March, Lenexa senior, always told her boyfriend that she hated a particular restaurant, which also happened to be his favorite. While they were dating, March swore that she would never go there.
"I really didn't mind the restaurant, actually," March says. "I just kept telling him that I never wanted to go with him."
However, like almost everyone else, March had an awkward encounter with her ex, and it ended up being at the restaurant she said she hated. Luckily, March managed to avoid any confrontation.
Relationship advice expert April Masini, founder of AskApril.com, says there are three courses of action when you run into an ex: run, hide or make your presence known. Bumping into an ex can actually be a blessing in disguise, Masini says. It presents the perfect opportunity to invalidate the "crazy ex" label that typically accompanies a breakup. If the encounter goes smoothly, it also allows both parties to continue moving on from the
relationship.
However, a smooth encounter is more often the exception than the rule. Most if not all situations involving an ex turn out to be awkward. Usually, exes still harbor some negative feelings toward the other person that tend to come out when they see each other.
Nathan Mangold, Winfield senior, ran into his ex-girlfriend last year at a Halloween party. Mangold says his ex was glaring at him from across the room the entire night. Finally, Mangold could no longer stand the dirty looks and decided to confront her.
"I told her that she needed to wipe that look off of her face," Mangold says. "She proceeded to take a swing at me, but I just walked away."
To appear civil even after the most horrific breakup, just play it cool. Greet your ex like you would a business associate, Masini says. A simple wave, handshake or even a hug will suffice. If you are with someone new, briefly introduce your new boyfriend or girlfriend. Then say go **dbye** and walk away. There is no need to engage in any further conversation, and you can go on with your night.
If you find that your ex wants to relive the past and talk about the good times, don't respond. Any efforts to rekindle
What NOT to do:
If you find yourself on the bad end of a breakup, it may be tempting to get revenge on that fool who broke your heart. It is also one of the worst things you could do. Instead of plotting, start the healing process and move on. Relationship advice expert April Masini warns against doing these things if you run into your ex.
- Don't create a coincidence by "accidentally" running into the person. Your ex, not to mention everyone else, will know exactly what you're doing and all you'll succeed at is looking like that "crazy ex" they all said you were. On, even
- worse, a desperate, obsessed stalker.
- Don't cry or act like a victim.The "poor pitiful me" routine isn't going to win back an ex. People do not respect-nor are they attracted to—people who act weak, depressed and miserable.
- Don't consider confronting your ex by getting into a fight or by pointing out what a terrible error he or she made by breaking up with you. Is this something your really want to debate in public?
the relationship should be struck down immediately.
"The most important part of a breakup is the opportunity it provides both parties to move on with their lives." Masini says. "Seize the opportunity and move on."
Moving on can no doubt be hard, and seeing an ex around town certainly doesn't help the process of moving on.
"It can hurt when you see someone you were so vulnerable with," says Nancy Pina, author of The Ultimate College Relationship Guide. "But it is always a sign of integrity and self-respect when you treat the other person with kindness. Most importantly, take some time to figure out what can be learned from that past relationship so that the same behaviors aren't repeated in the future."
September 11,2008
illustrations by catherine coquillette
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