CONTACT
with Matt Hirschfeld and Francesca Chambers
How long should you wait before you give it up?
—C., junior
Matt: I had more of a "that's it?" reaction my first time around. Sure, the sex was great, but I didn't feel as if some burden was lifted or I was more accepted because someone found me attractive enough to spend an intimate hour or so with me. It was a check off my to-do list that couldn't have come faster. That check, though, means a lot more to some than others.
If you're waiting for religious reasons, then consult some kind of religious figure. What God wants from me in the bedroom has been a mystery to me since my first "Amen." For medical reasons (sex isn't always the cleanest recreational activity), a nurse or doctor at Watkins Memorial Health Center would be glad to help.
And finally, if it's more of a "right person" situation, you'll know it when you talk to him or her about it. If your significant other laughs at your hesitations, is so horny he or she gets jittery when sex is mentioned, or doesn't want to talk about it, wait for another time or person.
Fran: This may sound trite, but you should wait to have sex until you are dating someone you can't live without—and you should be sober. You really are "giving" your partner a part of you when you have sex, even if you later realize you made a mistake.
I lost my virginity to my second serious boyfriend when I was a senior in high school. My boyfriend and I had been dating only two weeks when we had sex, but somehow I knew the timing was right—that and I might never have the opportunity to have monogamous sex with a guy that hot again.
The sex itself was not mind-blowing, but the emotions I felt were. I'm still dating the same guy. At first I wondered if the sex was so fulfilling because I have a high libido
or if my boyfriend was just well-endowed. But two times while we were broken up, I slept with other people, and the sex was awfui. One of the men was even my first love. Both times I waited until I had been seeing the guy for about two weeks before taking that step, and both times I was really into said guy. But once in bed, I felt nothing, except disgusted afterwards because I had added a number to my list and had nothing to show for it. That was when I realized the sex with my current boyfriend was amazing because of our connection. Keep waiting. You'll be glad you did.
What should I do if this guy and I decided that we'd just have fun all summer because we knew it had to end when he went back to NYC, and now that he's back in NYC I can't stop thinking about him?
Steven, senior
Fran: Slow down and be realistic. Stop thinking about your boy in the Big Apple long enough to think about the Big Picture. You are a senior: You have less than a year to find a job and decide what you are going to do with your life. Before you consider beginning a relationship with Mr.NYC—or anyone else for that matter—you need to decide what you see in your future. If your interest's interests don't align with yours, then you need to move on. I am an extreme romantic, but unfortunately the economy is not. I doubt it is in your life
plan to work 50 hours a week at a 2-star restaurant in New York City while you look for a job you can apply your major to, until you just give up because it is impossible to get a job in NYC with little to no experience. Do you really know anything about Mr. NYC? Sure, his favorite color is baby blue and you and he like to take long walks on Wescoe Beach, but what about his long-term career plans? How does he feel about children? What is his relationship like with his family? I doubt these were topics you discussed with your summer fling, and why would you when you are expiration dating? I hate to say this, but that honeymoon period talk is more than just a myth from my personal experience, and I would imagine that is even more true of a summer love. Do you honestly think you can sustain a life-long relationship off of what you had? The honeymoon period of life is almost over; and the real world is about to begin. To end on a positive note, though, if he is worth it to you, then go for it. Sure, it will be hard having a long-distance relationship. I feel your pain. I am about to embark on a long-distance adventure myself—wish me luck. But with the right person, it is possible to have a stronger
relationship because of the distance. Cut out going to the bars, sex and watching TV, and then tell me how amazing your boyfriend is.
**Matt:** You sound like an "in the moment" kind of guy, and you are stuck in a moment that you need to get out of. Now, Yes, absence does make the heart grow fonder, but your heart sounds like it's about as soft as jelly, and this NYC situation is about to puncture it.
Fran mentioned something about a relationship.iFuni is not a relationship.A "fun" relationship consists of cutey texts and drunken nights.You have moved passed fun and on to serious.Your NYC man, though, is still in his fun state of mind.
I recommend getting off your chest whatever you're bottling up, listen to NYC man's reaction, and go from there. I'm assuming that because NYC man lives in NYC, he would have told you how he felt first (if any serious feelings existed). I can barely keep up with East Coast people, and your fond heart needs to slow it down.
Bitch and Moan should not be taken as a substitute for professional, expert advice.
Send your sex and relationship questions to bitchandmoan@kansan.com.
August 28, 2008
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