tongue in beak
To get in contact with or submit articles to the Tongue in Beak e-mail us at beak@kansan.com or call Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810
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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
SPORTS Fans prepare for Vitale
Since the KU basketball season has begun, Jayhawk fans have been debating numerous topics. Can Bill Self be successful? Will Simien be healthy? Can they go all the way?
However, one of the biggest debates that goes unheard in Jayhawk nation is how ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale will mispronounce the name of one of KU's players.
"Last year it was Kirk Hindrich, the year before that it was Dwight Gooden," Selecia DeAngellis, Colby senior and Jayhawk fan said. "Who knows what this year's going to bring. I mean, its pretty hard to screw up Michael Lee, but he's probably got something up his sleeve."
In fact, Kansas fans have already prepared for when Vitale descends upon Lawrence with his outlandish commentary and on Nov. 25 when he will be at the bookstore for a book signing.
The Phog Phanatics have already sent a detailed pronunciation guide to Vitale's home.
"We're pretty worried about Nick Bahe (pronounced Bah)," Jon Bassi, San Francisco sophomore. "We even had some trouble with it at first. Now we're just waiting to see how he's going to mangle it."
Just waiting to see you in a gourd hanging. Vitale said that Jayhawk fans shouldn't be worried about how he talks. Instead, he urged fans to sit back and enjoy the season.
"Kansas has a great team this year. Keith Langford and Wayne Simien are going to gain some national attention," Vitale said. "They have a solid bench too, with players like Bryant Nash and Mooping Ning. It's awesome baby!"
Chin up bar named after Athlete
For his service and dedication to the University of Kansas, University officials announced today that a chin up bar at the Student Recreation and Fitness Center will be named after former basketball player Eric Chenowith.
The Chenowith Chin Up Bar will be officially dedicated in late spring when Chenowith is able to get some time off from Dave Matthews tour.
The Chin Up Bar, much like Chenowith, is expected to disappoint and embarrass the entire university.
"I am truly honored to have such a great piece of machinery named in my honor," Chenowith said. "I am looking forward to coming back to Lawrence for the dedication and spending some time on campus visiting with Coach Williams. What? He's coaching where now? Oh dude, when'd that happen?"
Sources close the Rec Center told Tongue In Beak reporters they had mixed emotions about the dedication.
"That's the last time we get a keg for one of our staff meetings," the member of the Rec staff, who wished to remain anonymous said. "I'm just glad they turned down the idea for naming the Women's locker room after Mario Kinsay."
Campers to get Dunkin Donuts instead of Krispy Kreme
A new coach, a new court design and now a new donut.
Bill Self announced today that the Kansas men's basketball team will now distribute Dunkin Donuts' donuts to campers at Allen Field House on game days. Campers used to enjoy Krispy Kremes when Roy Williams was coach, but Self stressed that it was time for a change.
"It's time for us as a program to start some new traditions," Self said while chomping on some powdered sugar Munchkins. "And have you tried these pumpkin spice donuts? They're amazing!"
Self began negotiations with the company after he tried a maple long john earlier this year after being hearing good things about them from Jeff Graves. Sources chose to the basketball team say Self was intrigued when he saw a Kansas Basketball pennant and Jayhawks on Parade poster hanging by the door at a Lawrence area Dunkin Donuts.
"I figured if they were supporting us, we could support them. And these coffee rolls! This is incredible! All we had was those crappy powdered donuts they sell at gas stations at Illinois. I think I'm in heaven."
The arrangements of the deal have not been finalized. However, Athletic Director Lew Perkins expects to have 15 dozen donuts and 200 Menchikins to be delivered to campers on game day. In return, Perkins said Dunkin Donuts baker and former spokesman Fred the Donut Man would receive priority seating at all KU home basketball games.
Not everyone is happy with the new breakfast pastry, however. Area Krispy Kreme vendors are expecting a massive drop in sales this year because of Self's change of pastry.
"It's going to be a tough year, first the Kansas Association of Police Officer yearly meeting has moved to Winfield, and now this," Krispy Kreme salesman Jon Andruchow. "It truly is a sad time for donuts in Lawrence, Kansas."
In a statement released by Dunkin Donuts, all Fred had to say about the partnership was "it's time to make the donuts. Muck Fizzou."
Phil Plantier
Leading Tongue in Beak story eaten by robots, editor claims
By Penelope Schiffart beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
A giant robot broke into the Kansan newsroom late Monday night and devoured some of the Tongue in Beak's most explosive material.
composite sketch of robot by Wes Benson/Kansan
Kansan satire editor Lucas Wetzel claimed he was alone in the building working diligently on his page when a mean-looking cyborg showed up and started snacking on this week's lead story.
A composite sketch of a robot that allegedly stormed the Kansan newsroom twirls papers above its head in a chaotic display of sentience. Tongue in Beak editor Lucas Wetzel claims the robot messed up his page for the week. However, some suspect he fabricated the story at the last minute to cover up for an utter lack of material.
"It's hard enough trying to be funny without these @#$ling robots showing up and eating my homework," he said. "It was a good story, too, only I can't remember what it's about because of...umm, the robots."
tease for the table of contents, he just writes, 'Andrew Vaupel is abducted by aliens' and starts giggling. If you ask me, I think he's lost his touch, but it's all beak to me.'
"What is this?" a Kansan copy editor asked himself upon reading this story. "Is this a joke?"
"He scored a hit last year with the whole, 'Saruman takes over the Campanile because he thinks it is Isengard' thing, and the giant walking fish story was mildly-amusing, but lately it's been pretty pathetic," Vaupel said. "Every week when I ask him to write a
Kansan staff members say they noticed a similar change in the satire editor after his proposal to market a plush toy based on Wes Benson's Squirrel character was rejected by Tyco. While other staff members participate in job interviews, Wetzel bangs his keyboard in frustration at the lack
Jayplay editor Andrew Vaupel said he had noticed a sad decline in Wetzel's comedic material and personal hygiene in the last year
of opening on The Onion's job board.
"I took this job because I thought it would make girls like me," Wetzel said. "But now I know that girls only like you if you are in a rock band."
Wetzel said he did receive a promising e-mail at beak@kansan.com that said, "Beak, don't miss this, be a stallion!" but it turned out to be from some 50-year-old dude who sells penile enlargement pills out of his garage.
"Still," Wetzel said. "It's nice to know someone's reading the page."
Missourians plan to throw out all.new Kansas state quarters
By Terry Pliwick
beak@kansan.com
Kansas satire writer
Missourians have had to deal with a lot of taunts from Kansas regarding their new state quarter, such as "Oh sure, it has the St. Louis Arch on it. What else were they going to put on it?" But Missouri citizens are already planning retribution of their own for when Kansas' state quarter is released in 2005. According to many, that's when it will be their turn for payback.
When asked, most Missouri citizens said they would not use the Kansas quarter. Many pay phones and vending machines in the state will be converted to reject the new quarter, and most store owners have said they will not accept them. Most Missourians said they plan to throw away a Kansas quarter if they find one in their possession, while some plan to melt them down. Don Cartright of Columbia, MO has yet another plan. "Throw them back across the border to Kansas," he said. "We don't want them here."
squirrel
thursday, november 20, 2003
jayplay 27