After hanging up the phone, Blair sat down on her bed and made two deep cuts in her left wrist. Then she swiped the blade of her hair scissors across her wrist making many shallow cuts. The deep cuts bled quite a bit, but the blood wasn't necessary. "The pain felt good," Blair says. "I don't need to see blood." The pain of each cut brought Blair satisfaction. It brought her balance.
A culmination of problems led Blair, a 21-year-old Wichita resident, to cut herself. She thought her parents hated her. She was having money troubles, and her boyfriend was drinking too much. Three months ago, she asked him not to go to the bar. When she phoned him later that night, already knowing where he was and what he was doing, she could hear intoxication in his speech, which led her to cut herself.
In high school, Blair had a 3.6 grade point average. She was in band for three years, sang in the choir and played volleyball. Blair accepted a vocal scholarship to Emporia State University and started in the fall of 2000. She lived in the residence halls and made a lot of friends. She joined a sorority. Her GPA at Emporia was still above a 3.0 when she dropped out this semester.
The then freshman at Emporia State needed a release. She felt her life was out of control. She got into a fight with her boyfriend because he cheated on her. An argument started, and in the aftermath, Blair cut herself.
Cutting is best regarded as a morbid form of self-healing, says Armando Favazza, professor at the University of Missouri. Though it is not healthy, self-
"You could probably say that I had enough," Blair says. She was tired of fighting with her parents and boyfriend. She says the pain of cutting made her feel better about the way her life was going. Blair does not remember what made her begin to cut herself. "The first time I did it, it wasn't that bad," Blair says. "I barely drew blood." Blair says for the second or third time she used the blades from her leg razor and lost a lot of blood. She was so pale she could barely stand up. "For the moment, it seemed to release everything I was holding back," she says. But she hasn't cut herself that badly since.
"YOU COULD PROBABLY SAY I'D HAD ENOUGH
THE FIRST TIME I DID IT. IT WASN'T THAT BAD. I BARELY DREW BLOOD. FOR THE MOMENT, IT SEEMED TO RELEASE EVERYTHING I WAS HOLDING BACK."
mutilators want to release themselves from bad feelings and thoughts, he says. Many think that self-injurers want to commit suicide, but Favazza says self-mutilation is not about committing suicide — it's about feeling alive. He says many patients describe it like a balloon popping. Cutting releases the tension that mounts. A good number of self-injurers try to commit suicide, but Favazza says he
believes the reasoning behind these attempts has to do with the demoralization and isolation cutters feel after cutting. He says 99 percent of those with whom he spoke say they cut, burn or scar themselves to feel better. "At that point, I wasn't thinking of killing myself," Blair says. "I just wanted to feel better." Blair says she feels the need to punish herself for feeling out of control and for the fights with her parents and boyfriend. "It relieves a lot of the pressure and the pain," Blair says.
In his book, Bodies Under Siege: Self-mutilation and Body Modification, Favazza says self-mutilation provides relief from anxiety, depersonalization and desperation, and touches on humans' need for salvation, healing and orderliness.
Blair is an episodic cutter. She says she has never tried any other self-mutilation technique. When she first started cutting, she would cut every other day. The relief of cutting usually lasts until her wounds start to heal. She says she is more depressed after cutting because of what she has done to herself. Every time Blair cuts, she says it is the last time. She always beats herself up about her cutting and says she knows she is stupid for cutting. Blair likens her excuses to that of an alcoholic.
There are two types of self-mutilation. Culturally sanctioned self-mutilation includes rituals, such as male circumcision, and practices such as piercings or tattoos. Favazza says the cultural rituals imply activities that are repeated over several generations and that reflect the traditions, symbols-mutilation and beliefs of a society. According to his book, these rituals promote healing, spirituality and social order. Favazza says practices many times have no underlying meaning. Pathological self-mutilation stems from mental illness. Favazza separates it into four subcategories that range from major self-mutilation, which is rare and deals with eye removal and castration, to impulsive, which is the most common and deals with cutters who self-harm episodically.
Episodic cutters can also suffer from other forms of self-harm. Persons with Deliberate Self-Harm Syndrome can
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thursday, november 20. 2003