BUILDING STEPSIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
BY BECKY ROGERS
On of the most famous images of Thanksgiving is the Norman Rockwell painting depicting a family gathered around a long table looking on as the grandmother presents the turkey. This image of family togetherness is what most people think of when they think of the holidays. But for students in blended families, the holidays can be a trying time.
For college students, it can be hard to establish a relationship with their stepsiblings. Because students are away from home for more than half the year, each homecoming may feel like starting over.
If you find yourself in this situation, you can do certain things to put yourself and your stepsiblings at ease. Start by engaging your stepsiblings in activities, Marjorie Engel, president of the
Stepfamily Association of America, says. Keep the activities neutral and holiday oriented. "Cooking crosses all age barriers and you don't have to have the same interests to go to the mall," she says. This will give you both the opportunity to get to know each other and become comfortable interacting.
Next Engel advises knowing the house rules before coming home. If your stepsiblings see you doing things they would normally get in trouble for, it could cause friction between you. This is especially important if you and your stepsiblings are close in age. Also, clarify expectations with your parents. If children will be around, ask if you will need to baby-sit or take care of the children. Discuss division of time. Find out what events you have to go to and let your parents know what
other plans you have made. The more that you are willing to compromise and take the initiative with them about your schedule, the more freedom you will end up having, says Engel. It is also important show your siblings they can count on you to be there when you say you will.
Family traditions are one aspect of the holidays that may change. Find out if you are going to be in town for cooking, decorating or putting up the tree. Let your parents know which events you want to be included in. Also discuss how gift giving will work; do you need to purchase presents for everyone, or will you draw names? Is there a spending limit? Ask if any new holiday traditions are being started. Getting this information ahead of time is vital so you don't feel left out later on.
You also need to lay some ground rules with your stepsiblings, Engel says. When you arrive, take some time to talk to them. Politely let them know not to get into your things and to respect your privacy. At the same time you need to respect their space and items as well, especially if you are sharing a room.
The best thing that to do for yourself is get know your stepsiblings, Jeanette Lofas, author of Family Rules: Helping Stepfamilies and Single Parents Build Happy Homes, says. Talking to your stepsiblings and making an effort will build a connection and benefit your relationship with them in the future.
Becky Rogers, Jayplay writer, can be reached at brogers@kansan.com.
8 jayplay
thursday, november 20. 2003