relating
a family divided
Dealing with divorce during the holidays. BY JACQUELINE LENART
A lump formed in my throat as the clanging of silverware and voices of my relatives around the table became distorted. My eyes welled up as my thoughts wandered off to how much I missed my mom. I knew months in advance that my mom wouldn't be there. While I was mentally prepared for her absence, I wasn't emotionally.
For 18 years I sat between my parents each year at Thanksgiving dinner, but I didn't know that my senior year of high
Old family traditions won't be the same as they were before divorce says Jann Blackstone-Ford, author of The Custody Solutions Sourcebook. She says it's important to not have any preconceived notions of how your holiday will go after your parents have divorced. "Walk in with a clean slate and write on it as you're there," Ford says. Communication between children and parents is the key to the whole family enjoying the holidays. Ford recommends children of divorce figure out a specific plan for how they want holidays to go and then tell their parents. Parents want to hear their children's feelings, she says. Keep expectations realistic; after all, your holiday probably wasn't perfect before the divorce, so don't anticipate future ones will be.
To help the holidays go smoothly, Shellee Darnell, marriage and family therapist and consultant for divorcewizards.com, says establishing schedules and routines creates a sense of security in the family and will make the aftermath of divorce less tense.
Children should also do some soul-searching and learn quickly that their strength comes from within instead of looking to parents for security. "Parents may not know how to be strong for you,"
Ford says. "Divorce may force
ord says. "Divorce may force you to be a little more independent than you want to be a little sooner than you want to be." You have to take that responsibility into your
own hands to make yourself happy, she says.
One of the biggest challenges children of divorce face is deciding with whom to spend the holiday without feeling guilty about their choice. Ford established and operates the family divorce support Web site bonusfamilies.com, which is dedicated to
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peaceful coexistence between divorced or separated parents and their new families. She says her clients come up with interesting ideas to make their holidays happy. From celebrating a day early with one parent and another day with the other, to rotating houses each year, it's important you find a solution that everyone can live with. Compromise and a blending of past traditions with new ones can help ease the transition.
As time passes by you can reform old family traditions to fit your new family structure, but keep in mind that maintaining holidays as exciting and happy times takes communication. "I think people expect the guilt and sorry feelings to stop at some point and I don't know if they really do," Ford says. "The recipe is always be true to yourself and be as tactful as possible in communicating."
Divorce Magazine reports that more than one million children are involved in new divorces yearly, slightly more than the population of the entire state of Rhode Island. But Ford says divorce can be most difficult for college-age children of divorce because once they hit 18 they legally have all say in with whom they live and celebrate. You've grown up with your parents being the caretakers but now you might have to take care of them, she says. While it's troubling to think of your parents depending on you to make decisions that could ultimately offend them, its part of the package.
Now instead of my childhood family Thanksgiving tradition, I have two traditions. The pain lingers each year of only having one parent to celebrate with, but I keep up strong communication with whoever isn't there. I feel connected to them because I know they hurt like I do, but I feel comfort in the bond that hasn't been broken between each of them and me.
thursday, november 20, 2003
Jacqueline Lenart, Jayplay writer. can be reached at jlenart@kansan.com.
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