tongue in beak
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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
University installs terror alert system
By Sam Hopkins
beak@kansan.com
Kansan sadie writer
The University of Kansas can now claim to be in the vanguard among those who are keeping Americans safe from terror. In a program coordinated with the Department of Homeland Security, KU engineers and military scientists are working to create a "Crimson and Blue Alert" system, modeled on the popular Weatherradio scanners that inform many Kansas residents of developing tornadoes.
"This machine will keep Americans abreast of any and all imminent terror attacks by emitting a high-pitched sound and displaying the color of the current alert level," said project head Dr. Robert Sworzec. "Our primary concern right now is that we always seem to be under an impending threat and the sound is leading to mania in many of our testers."
Other concerns have been raised, such as the lack of instruction regarding refuge or information as to where the attack might occur. However, Sworzec says, this is not the fault of the new apparatus.
"We suggested that the device feature an LCD readout of pertinent information for consumers so they could be aware of proper procedure to protect themselves, but the government officials assured us that such a thing wouldn't be necessary."
Department deputies in charge of monitoring the joint project assert that elaboration is not a crucial component of these terror warnings.
"The American people need not be troubled with specific details," said James Larsen, DHS project liaison. "Citizens simply must be aware when our nation is facing a catastrophic assault by the legions of the enemies of freedom; they should not be assailed with numbers and military mumbo-jumbo. We think this new system will instill the message nicely. Just leave the boring stuff to us."
squirrel
Zany U.S. Military mix-up sends Delta Force to Iraq
By M. Pacey & L. Wetzel
beak@kansan.com
Kansas san writeer
A bizarre blunder by U.S. military officials has resulted in the deployment of all Delta Force members and student representatives to Iraq.
The largely pacifist members of Delta Force, a grassroots student coalition at the University of Kansas, are baffled by the decision.
"We've always prided ourselves on being an activist student organization, but this is taking it a bit too far," said Zora Greenhorn, sometimes Delta Force senator and KU non-traditional student. "It's already established that Delta Force is not for sale. We're also not for deployment."
Delta Force was called up earlier this week after top military officials came across its name while searching for KU organizations to send to Iraq.
U. S. Army Recruiter Darrell G. Haynes expressed excitement at DF's enlistment in the war on terror.
"Usually we have to pluck from marching bands, reservist groups and the economically underprivileged, but we really scored with Delta Force," he said.
Delta Force members are doing their best to take their pending military action in stride.
"At first I thought they meant the NBA draft, but I guess I was wrong," said Austin Wagner, Delta Force holdover senator. "It's cool though because the recruiters say we get one HSES credit for every tour of duty."
Wagner said the mandatory Army orientation sessions had convinced him of Iraq's need for Delta Force.
"The sergeant told us how Saddam Hussein didn't let the Iraqi people go vegetarian and that he also didn't support a living wage," he
photo by Dante Babach/AP
Campus activist Jake Harris winces as his locks are trimmed for active duty.
thursday, november 13. 2003
said. "When we get over there the very first thing we're going to do is set up a veggie lunch."
New Strokes album is really cool, so am I
By Clyde Ahote
Man, I just got back from the record store, and let me tell you, my fellow rock'n'rollers. The Strokes have done it again.
new album, Room on Fire, the Strokes return to the uber-catchy garage/glam sound that made them everyone's favorite urban bohemians in 2001. Did I mention that I'm also in a band?
With their
In between my own band rehearsals, I've been spinning these 11 songs practically non-stop. Nicolai Fraiture's basslines are so rich, like scented shampoo lather, and Nick Valensi and Albert Hammond Jr.'s guitar lines make me ask "Where is my mind?" On Track 7, entitled "Meet Me in the Bathroom," singer Julian Casablancas croons, "Meet Me in the Bathroom." Oh, Julian!
Of course, this is just one insider's appraisal. I've been in rock bands for a while, so I know a good one when I hear it. My first rock band wasn't so
good. We were called Sad Snakey, and we mostly played covers. Some Pearl Jam. An occasional Counting Crowst track. You know. Then we got kind of spiritual and changed our name to "Ecumenical Christian Ministries," but our bass player was Wiccan and threatened to resign.
We were kind of directionless for a while, searching for our own sound and identity. Fortunately, the Strokes showed up and reminded us all why we listen to rock'n'roll. I even bought the racy imported version where the naked chick smells the glove on the cover.
After that album came out I made the decision to fully plunge myself into the rock'n'roll lifestyle. I started saying "all right" instead of just "yes" and even stayed out way past my bedtime on schoolnights.
Most importantly, I formed a new band. We called ourselves "The Strokes II." We were actually a local sensation up until someone discovered we had accidentally covered the Guns N' Roses classic "Paradise City" note for note on our debut album. That kind of gave us a reputation as rock'n'roll plagiarists, even
though the song in question was a total original called "Heaven City."
After that, things kind of fell apart. I started a solo project called "Saboteur" after my girlfriend left me to study abroad in France, but it flopped. Then I fell into a month-long gloom in which I only listened to Cat Power. Personally, I think Cat Power has sold out a bit since she started writing words instead of just meowing, but I don't blame her.
I also don't blame The Strokes for being so unattainably awesome. They even scored a feature in Time last month. The article said they were "devastatingly stylish, like a bunch of Bowery James Bonds." No doubt! I hear the singer's dad was Lorenzo d'Versace, the famous Italian designer who Makaveli wrote "White Man'z World" about.
Sadly, my dad isn't Italian, and I don't even own a subscription to Time. I guess there can only be one The Strokes, at least until I get a band together that really wants to make some noise. Until then, I highly recommend you buy this album.
Grade: A+
jayplay 23
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