tongue in beak
To get in contact with or submit articles to the Tongue in Beak e-mail us at beak@kansan.com or call Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810.
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
Dole Institute overrun by mountain lions
By Tom Brunansky
beak@kansan.com
Kansan scriter writer
Kansas wildlife officials have made it official: Mountain lions have migrated into Kansas and have taken over the Robert J. Dole Institute of Politics.
Speculation of the cats' existence in Kansas have been fueled since August when a Lawrence Journal-World editor reported spotting one on West Campus. A University of Kansas wildlife expert also captured the animals on camera. The image was blurry, so Kansas wildlife officials could not confirm the sighting.
photo bv Yakov Jakov/Kansan
Bob Dole's plan to corral the cats
BRIEFLY
Freshman applies sunblock to cell
In a lame attempt to protect her cell phone from the recent wave of electromagnetic radiation known as a solar flare, Dallas freshman Jenny Smythe covered her Sprint flip-phone in SPF 30 last Wednesday.
"It was so nasty," said her boyfriend, Fred Jameson, Topeka senior. "You should have seen me try to order a pizza with that thing. It was like she had lent it to Slimer or something."
Redshirt pulled off Biology GTA
"This was supposed to be a training year for Holly, but with Dr. Clarkson out, what the hell else could we do?" asked a flustered member of the biology faculty. "She's actually doing quite well. Her jokes are awful, and she doesn't seem to understand Powerpoint at all. In other words, she's a natural."
Fortunately, Holly Beck. Leawood graduate student and biology lab assistant, had been shadowing the suddenly absent professor's lectures and knew the syllabus by heart.
After chief lecturer Roger Clarkson had to plan a sudden trip to visit his ailing mother in a retirement community in Florida, the University of Kansas Biology Department found itself facing the final weeks of the semester without its key player.
Squirrel reprimanded for drinking
Despite interventions by Tongue in Beak editors, Squirrel, a mischief and misenthropy major, showed up drunk to today's strip for the 19th week in a row.
However, those reports were verified Monday morning when Steve McAllister, interim director, came to work.
A mighty clan of cougars bound about in a display of dominance over the Dole Institute.
"The building smelt like cat pee," he said. "And I thought to myself, gee, that's funny, because we don't have cats in here. Boy, was I wrong."
Kansas wildlife officials said there were two families of mountain lions, also known as cougars, using the building as their habitat. They said the dominant male had already marked off McAllister's office as his territory and frequently mates with females in his office chair.
Former senator Bob Dole returned immediately to Lawrence upon hearing news of the infestation. He made an effort to corral all the wild cats into the ESPN Regional offices on 15th St. It ended, however, with one of the younger males biting Dole on the leg.
"Bob Dole hates cats," he said. "You hear me? I hate 'em!" he said. "Never liked them, never will. Bob Dole just hates cats."
"You see, I put a saucer of milk under the
Dole said he would personally oversee the effort to rid the Institute of the animals. Dole has already drawn up plans for a state-of-the-art trap that involves a box propped up by a stick that has a string attached to it.
box, and when the cats go to drink it, I pull the string," he said. "They get stuck under the box, and that's when I get medieval on their kitty behinds."
He has also requested backup from the US
Navy to patrol the building's reflection pond with PT boats.
As of press time, Elizabeth Dole was spotted in an inflatable raft rowing around the pond holding a Supersoaker.
New baby brought to you by Mom, Dad, Coca-Cola
By Katey Birge
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Dale and Wanda Paden of McLouth and the Coca-Cola Bottling Company of Mid-America reached an exclusive agreement today worth $12 million over the next 18 years.
After nine months of bargaining and negotiation, Mrs. Paden gave birth to Austin Dale Paden at 8 o'clock this morning. Although details are still pending, Coca-Cola will be responsible for the maintenance and expenses of upbringing the child for the next 18 years. In exchange, Coke products will be fed exclusively to the child.
Wanda Paden, holding the bouncing baby boy in a "Real Thing" layette, expressed joy at the contract and being a new mother.
"We are committed to using these funds to offer a top-rate childhood," she said.
Dale Paden believes he will be able to improve family life as a result of cooperation with Coca-Cola.
"We'll be able to further enhance many of our programs, such as buying a new Caravan to take a trip to NASCAR," he said.
"We are honored to be selected as the exclusive beverage partner of the Padens," said Leroy Hogan, vice president of Coca-Cola Bottling Company of Mid-America. "We look forward to bringing little Austin, the Paden family and the McLouth community the marketing power, service and commitment to education for which Coke is known worldwide."
squirrel
thursday, november 6, 2003
jayplay 23