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so keep that in mind when communicating with your partner.
Some ladies, if they are among the 70 percent of women who don't reach orgasm through intercourse are left thinking, "What is wrong with me?" There's nothing wrong with you! Whipple recommends trying self-stimulation or using a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris and surrounding area during sex. It's also important to realize that couples don't have to orgasm at the same time as long as each partner is able to give and receive what they want at some point during the sexual experience.
Women are also capable of having multiple orgasms, but Detweiler warns that the ability to have one after another depends on the person. If a woman feels she must have multiples it becomes an expectation that gets in the way of any orgasm.
The G-spot is home to a different orgasm than the clitoral orgasm. It's a spot that every woman has, but not every woman derives pleasure from stimulating it. The G-spot is a sensitive area felt through the upper or front wall of the vagina. Think of the vagina as a clock where the top is high noon. Detweiler says women report that there is a pleasurable spot near the 12 o'clock region that can be stimulated to orgasm. "Don't get too uptight if you can't find your G-spot," Detweiler says. Some women say it's there, and some say it isn't, he says.
Whipple says women who've found their G-spots say the initial touch makes them feel as if they have to urinate, even if they just emptied their bladders. This initial reaction is replaced in some women by an intense orgasmic feeling. It's also normal for some women to experience an expulsion of fluid from the urethra when they experience this type of orgasm.
Women may need a hand in finding
"Acknowledge that you like having your toes sucked.
Communicate to your partner what you like. It's the most important tool we have whether it's verbal or non-verbal, show how and where to touch."
their G-spot because it's tricky to find on their own. Whipple says the common position of man on top doesn't stimulate the G-spot because the penis points downward and the spot is upward. Doggy style or woman on top are the ideal positions for attempting to reaching the G-spot. Couples can also try finding the spot using a vibrator.
Masturbation plays a key role in helping women figure out their wants and needs. In essence, knowledge is power and once those needs are figured out, women can communicate them to their partners. Whipple says it's important you experiment with yourself and become aware of how you can have sexual pleasure and then communicate that. Women may hesitate to let their fingers to the walking because of cultural and societal messages that convey ideas of shame and guilt about women touching their bodies.
"Because of stigmas, a lot of girls have not masturbated much or even ever and I think that puts them at a distinct disadvantage," Christopher Baker, Kansas City, Mo senior says. "If they don't know what they like, and if they aren't comfortable with their body, how could they expect a man to be?" Women are ultimately in charge of their own pleasure.
Faking orgasms is a sure fire way to get him to keep doing what he's doing. How is Guy supposed to know any better if Girl keeps reinforcing his moves with moans of pleasure? Women who fake orgasms may not know what they want sexually or if they do, they are afraid to communicate that to their partner. Women who fake do so for the sake of their partner because it is expected that they'll reach orgasm through intercourse. If Guy thinks Girl had an orgasm, he's satisfied and Girl feels OK about it because she's giving Guy what she thinks he wants.
"If you're faking orgasm you're not
being honest," Whipple says. "You're not being honest and true to yourself and that's a problem for your partner as well." It's especially important to be willing to be open with yourself and your body and communicate what you need to your partner. "Acknowledge that you like having your toes sucked." Whipple says. "Communicate to your partner what you like. It's the most important tool we have whether it's verbal or non verbal, show how and where to touch." Show your partner what you like by guiding his hand or do your favorite move on him, then ask him to do the same to you. When he's doing something you like, be sure he knows, otherwise he's left guessing.
We all have societal messages burned into our brains that interfere with our ability to communicate about sex. Men battle fears of inadequacy and women feel that they always have to be nice, Detweiler says. If we take a risk and go against those societal messages in order to be honest with our partners, we'll be able to communicate effectively. "It's OK for women to say, 'I know we had a great date, but I don't want to have sex with you,'" Detweiler says. We all know how to communicate; the trick is giving ourselves permission to do so.
Sex is an emotional event and the ultimate way to share yourself with your partner. "You have to be emotionally connected," Katy Kirkman, Springfield, Mo., senior, says. "That's how you're truly going to be satisfied."
Maybe if Guy and Girl take the time to enjoy each other's bodies, Girl tells Guy what she wants and he's willing to listen and ask questions, they'll both be able to get what they really want.
Amanda Wolfe, Jayplay writer can be reached at awolfe@kansan.com.
BEVERLY WHIPPLE certified sex therapist & author
14 jayplay
thursday, november 6, 2003
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