tongue in beak
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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
CRIME REPORT/NIGHTLIFE 'Shaccident' occurs Friday
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LAWRENCE — Both parties are in stable condition after a shaccident that occurred last Friday. Beth Miller, Olathe freshman, and Ryan Pinkston Barrington, Ill sophomore, encountered each other at vulnerable points in their nights. Results were disastrous, as police reports show:
7:04 p.m. Miller, a member of Pi Gamma Jamma sorority, begins celebrating her birthday at her favorite freshman nightspot, El Mezcal. However, aside from the compulsive picture-taking and festive sombrero-wearing rituals, Miller has premonitions that the night will end tragically.
"Yeah, I figured it wasn't going to be a good night after I downed one of those margaritas in like 20 minutes," she said. "You know, those ones like the size of your head? And not eating all day didn't really help the situation, either."
7:15 p.m. On the other side of town, Pinkston does not fare much better. After one of his Sigma Chi pledge brothers "scored an ungodly amount of beer," Pinkston and three "brothers" proceed to consume all of it while playing games such as "Hour of Power" and "Circle of Fire" in the span of 40 minutes.
"I guess our math was a little off for 'Hour of Power,' but that's not that point," he said. "The point is we got really plastered."
9:30 p.m. Miller arrives at The Hawk with her entourage. They proceed to make complete asses of themselves by screaming loudly in odd increments for no valid reason, flailing appendages wildly with the apparent intention of dancing and requesting random strangers to purchase drinks for them, after which they were harshly rebuked each time.
11:37 p.m. Pinkston encounters Miller hunched over a garbage can.
10:07 p.m. Pinkston and buddiestire of hazing freshman, begin pursuit of "freshmen tail," Pinkston searches premises for willing subject.
"Okay, yeah, I do remember that part," Miller said. "He was really nice. He rubbed my back and stuff. I think he said something about Windex and pants and then asked me if my legs were tired, but I just kind of ignored that. He was nice, I was really tired and my friends had totally ditched me so I figured I might as well go home with him."
Miller recalled: "I don't remember anything. I just know that I kept asking the DJ to play that one rap song. It's like about shaking it or something. You know, the one that goes, 'Shake it, Shake, Shake it, Shake it, Shake, Shake it.' I love it."
11:45 p.m. Pinkston escorts Miller home and attempts more cheesy pickup lines, even borrowing citronella candles from the fraternity deck to enhance the mood. His efforts are in vain.
"As soon as we got home, she just crashed," he lamented. "I thought she was holding on to me the whole way home because she wanted me."
12:15 a.m. Pinkston sleeps on nearby couch.
7 a.m. Miller awakens in her own filth, then sneaks off to begin walk of shame all the way back to Corbin. The only major injuries sustained to the pair were some bruised knees and egos.
Mildred Brooks
Elementary students to take Party Bus to school
By Count Chocula
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
photo by Landon Donovan McNabb/Kansan
In a rare moment of stillness, The Jack Flanigan's party bus sits in a parking space before embarking on the all-night rounds to shuttle partiers and grade-school kids to bars and school.
Federal and local budget cuts in education have forced Lawrence Public Schools to begin using the Jack Flanigan's Party Bus as the sole method of transportation for elementary students.
Because all Lawrence elementary schools rely on the same bus, the rides to school begin around last call while rides home often stretch late into the evening. Consequently, grade school and party transit frequently overlap.
defended the system, saying the Party Bus provides students with a fun-filled and interactive learning environment.
"The party-KU big-kids are nice, but they yell and don't sit down when the bus driver asks them," said Emily Snow, Lawrence fifth-grader. "One of them threw up all over my science project."
District Administrator Ken Davidson
Such incidents have prompted concern among parents, who call the booze-drenched school transport system "alarming."
"We decided it would be good to expose kids to the kinds of social idiocy
they will face for the next 5 to 75 years of their lives," he said. "Besides, we can't afford a school bus system with a defense budget to uphold. If the terrorists win, there won't be any more schools, period."
The Wescoe Terrorist: A perennial costume favorite, the Wescoe Terrorist is known for suspiciously eating salad and sushi at Wescoe Terrace. Accessories: Aviator sunglasses, dirty
Tongue in Beak's Halloween costume suggestions for '03
"Hipster Frank" by Josh Adams
bombs for disrupting card-swiping machines.
Girls Gone Satanic: Similar to Girls Gone Wild, except that the only thing these girls flash is an allegiance to the Dark Lord. These once-sweet sorority sisters simply saw Hocus Pocus and Sex and The City reruns too many times before turning all-the-way evil. Costume musts: Sweatpants with "666" stitched on the seat, "Muck Heaven" T-shirts.
Santa: the bane of devil-fearing dyslexic kids everywhere.
Franken-hipster: KJHK DJ by day, bone-chilling monster by night, this Pavement fan has a weakness for pretty girls with bangs. He goes to all the parties. He goes to all the shows. And that's the way he gets by. Don't forget: Screws, Denim Jacket, Hidden sensitive side
Board of Regents: An academic
piece of plywood similar to the ones O'Banyon beat up freshman with in Dazed and Confused.
Campus Preacher: Saith the Street Preacher: "Though the tongue of Satan worms its way into your hardware, the love of The Lord blasts it out again. Thou shalt not download music, thou sloth-assed sinnaz." You'll need: Fusty cardigans, stocking caps, hostility.
Apathy: If dressing up as an abstraction for Halloween sounds impossible to you, take a look around campus.
Have a groovy Halloween, kids. Watch out for poison apples.
BRIEFLY
'Quarterback Injury Tuesdays' fails to catch on
Following KU's 42-6 loss to in-state rival Kansas State on Saturday, the Kansas Union Bookstores replaced the usual "Touchdown Tuesdays" sale with "Quarterback Injury Tuesdays," a steep price mark-up.
"It sucked," said Amy Cather, Russell freshman. "The sweatshirt I had been waiting to buy used to cost $25, but with the mark-up, I had to pay $50."
Sacred Sword employees still waiting for dragons
Sacred Sword, 732 Massachusetts, is hoping for a pick-me-up in sales. "With the economy the way it is, swords aren't selling all that well," said Skip McGee, Sacred Sword employee. "If some dragons would just show up, though, them swords would fly off the shelves."
squirrel
thursday, october 30, 2003
jayplay 23