tongue in beak
To get in contact with or submit articles to the Tongue in Beak e-mail us at beak@kansan.com-or-call Lucas Wetzel at 864-4810
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
BRIEFLY
Glee club members found abusing antidepressants
Although the season hasn't even really began, scandal has already rocked the University of Kansas music department.
"It's good to see this come to an end," an anonymous source said. "Their giddiness rivaled the KU Dance Squad. It was downright annoying."
Half the mens' glee club have recently failed their random NCAA drug screening. Among the banned drugs found in their systems are Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft and Celexa. These so called antidepressants, or "happy pills," are said to give an unfair competitive edge to the club.
In response to the allegations of its students using rampant grin enhancers, the music department released the following statement.
It has been rumored that glee club members would go on drug binges in which they would stay happy for days on end.
"It is an incredibly sad day when a thing like this happens to a music program of this caliber. Under the constant pressure to compete well many glee members crack. We do not feel alone in this problem, and hope that this signifies the beginning of a significant crackdown on illegal drug use in collegiate choirs everywhere."
Mark Pacey
'Pop' versus 'Soda'debate ends in bloodshed
The ongoing debate of pop versus soda ended in bloodshed yesterday at Jayhawker Towers.
Police reports say that Jason Caliri, Baltimore sophomore, used a plastic spork from Taco Bell to stab his roommate, Jimmy Cummings, Goodland junior, during a heated argument over what to call a soft drink.
"They were going back and forth for about an hour," said suitemate Jeff Simon, Nashville junior. "I heard Jimmy saying 'You're in Kansas, it's called pop here.' Then Jay just started dropping a bunch of F-bombs. Next thing I know, Jimmy stumbled into my room holding his side. He was yelling 'He stabbed me! He stabbed me!' Blood was everywhere."
Friends of the two roommates said there had been tension over the issue since they moved in together in August.
Chris Sweeney, a Dallas junior who lives down the hall, said the first time he met the two they were bickering near a Coke machine.
"They were looking for a vending machine and I pointed them down the hall," he said. "I heard Jay say 'There's the soda machine.' Then Jimmy yelled at him because he said soda. Personally, I call everything Coke. I think they're both wrong."
University psychologist Matt Bonanno said that although it was common for roommates to bicker, it was the first time he knew of an argument over soft drink-vernacular ending in violence.
"I think they are both idiots," he said. "I mean, come on, who stabs someone over a stupid Pepsi?"
Bruce Hurst
Cell phone triggers musical awareness
By Sam Hopkins
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satie writer
When Ashley Billingsworth enrolled in MUSC 136: Masterworks of Music, she had no idea what a grasp she already had on the curriculum. Simply by using her primary means of communication, the St. Louis freshman studies several times a day, every day.
With a graceful flourish to end the movement,
Ashley
Billingsworth completes a 15-second cellular performance of a Debussy nocturne. The freshman recently discovered the musical value of her cell.
photo by Dante Bakash/Kansan
up so quick." The notes identified were those of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Ashley's excitement was noticed by music teacher, Augusto Batistuta.
The student-teacher gap having been spanned, video on pause, Billingsworth gave an impromptu recital of her phone's entire ringtone bank, including Rachmaninoff's "Etude," Mozart's "Fur Elise," and 'N Sync's "I Want You Back."
"My parents first got me a cell phone in tenth grade, and my ring was sooo boring," said Billingsworth. "It was just like 'de-do-de-do-de.' I would usually just mute it so I didn't have to hear the stupid old thing."
"It is so sweet to see the young students enjoying the music," Batistuta said. "I say to Ashley right here and now, 'You are earning an A-plus if you make music for me!'"
"I heard that tune and turned to my friend Phylllicia right away and said 'That's my ring!' She was floored that I picked it
Early this semester, Ashley's music class screened "Immortal Beloved," the 1994 film about the life of composer Ludwig van Beethoven.
Then a friend told Ashley about the "ringtone" menu on her Nokia phone. "That blew my mind," the 18-year-old recalls now. "I was hearing all of these amazing new sounds, like 'do-do-de-do-de-do,' and even 'do-do-do-dooo.' Of course that's the one getting all the attention now."
The student's passion spread like wildfire throughout the faculty, and now there is a new course offering for Spring 2004 - "Cellular Phone Music Theory and Composition."
"I think it's about time that mobile phones got recognized for their educational importance," said David Muir, manager of the T-Mobile store in the Kansas Union. "I mean, they have calculators, coordination building games like Snake, and even classical music. If you ask me, this new Ericsson is the best educational tool you can find—and it's all only 99 dollars with a two-year contract."
Reasons Tongue in Beak didn't run last week
- We thought it was fall break
- Article entitled "Goalpost thieves hanged at behest of Kansan Columnist" deemed in poor taste
Mean mister officer threw us in jail for blocking traffic in front of The Wheel
Robots + Phenobarbitol= poor speling skilz
Busy auditioning for Martin Scorcese's "Gangs of Mt. Oread."
Cork & Barrel: Now open Sundays 12-7
We forgot
The decision by the Jayhawk Book Store to recall sponsorship of the Women of KU Calendar for 2004 has some students confused about its new stance on propriety.
Jayhawk Bookstore policy confuses calendar fanatics
Last October, JBS sold the "Girls of the Big 12" issue of Playboy which contained full and partial nudity of KU student models. In addition, JBS had a signing day on which the Playboy models put their Herbie Hancocks on copies in front of the store.
"Last year I bought my copy of Playboy at the book store and had the girls sign their pictures," said Matt Davis, Topeka senior. "It was quite thrilling shaking hands with the girl with the pierced hoo-hoo as she signed her naked thigh."
This year, however, students like Davis will not be able to purchase the Women of KU calendar even though there is no nudity. The Jayhawk Bookstore was not contacted for comment, and all attempts to get in touch with the girl with the pierced hoo-hoo were to no avail. And we mean all attempts. In support of the decision, Z's expresso will no longer offer Naked Juice products.
Matt Davis
In Next Week's Tongue in Beak...
University of Florida cancels plans for a student web portal modeled after Kansas' 'Kyou'
Haughty English graduate student correctly orders "Potatoes Ole" at Taco John's "Two for Tuesdays."
thursday, October 16, 2003
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