tongue in beak
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This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
BRIEFLY
Custodian wipes out entomology specimens
The University of Kansas has long been able to boast one of the Midwest's most extensive collections of rare insect species—at
least,it could.
Dead beetle
This Tuesday, during a routine walkthrough at Snow Hall, recently-hired Facilities Operations employee Ernie Fursel noticed a large array of southern giant mosquitoes and quickly grabbed a spray can full of pesticide.
"I said, 'Holy Hell!' when I seen 'em, 'cause they was the biggest damn skeeters I ever
saw! " Fursel said.
"Those were some of the largest specimens we had been fortunate enough to collect," remarked a forlorn Mark Hellerston, entomology lab supervisor. "I guess those vaccines we were using them for will be delayed another 10 years, now."
Following the mistake, Fursel has been reassigned to retrieve cell phones dropped in Potter Lake during Saturday's post-game celebration.
Sam Hopkins
McCollum Hall survived its fourth fire alarm this month, the result of an ongoing struggle for fire alarm superiority between McCollum and Ellsworth halls.
Group claims responsibility for fire alarm
The Drunk 5, a fundamentalist group known for boozing and goofing around zealously, has claimed responsibility for the alarm. The leader of The Drunk 5 announced that it was a retaliation alarm-pulling in response to a previous pulling by the McCollum group, Party Till We Die.
Resident assistants on both sides are powerless as every year eager young residents are drawn into each group's extreme views and furious rhetoric.
Alarm pullings are on the rise because Ellsworth's recent renovation have caused it to become a new homeland for KU students. In response, McCollum factions have begun a series of alarmpulling operations aimed to instill terror.
"The region is fertile in dormitory food and was the place of origin for all KU dorms," said Felix Deal, professor of international politics. "This is sacred ground we're dealing with."
Peace talks are on hold as there is no soon end to this age-old conflict.
—Kevin O'Halloran
squirrel
Goalpost-dumping party upsets Potter Lake neighborhood group
By Steve Lyons
beak@kansan.com
Kansas satire writer
photo by John Nowak/Kansan
Although he initially celebrated the victory, Sebastian, Potter Lake resident and president of the Potter Lake neighborhood association, grew angry after learning that Flounder had nearly been crushed by semi-nude frat boys wielding goalposts.
While thousands of fans celebrated the football team's spanking of archrival Missouri on Saturday, some folks in Jayhawk Country were less than thrilled with the celebration.
Sebastian, the little red crab who made a name for himself in Disney's The Little Mermaid, filed a formal complaint with the University of Kansas after fans threw both sets of goalposts into his pond.
He claims the south end goalposts
"When I moved into this pond in 2000, I asked the real estate agent about the set of goal posts that were already in there, and if there was a chance any more of them could be thrown in there in the future," the francophile crustacean told Tongue in Beak reporters Sunday. "She said it was impossible because the football team sucked more than all of my Little Mermaid spinoffs combined, and believe me, that's pretty bad."
nearly crushed his life partner and costar Flounder. Sebastian said matters worsened when an unidentified student began to take off his clothes.
"Once I saw the guy get naked, that crossed the line," he said. "And if that pervert is listening, the water wasn't that cold. I'm also pretty sure one of those drunken fools peed in
the water, too. Come on, folks, I don't go into your dorm room and just start going on your bed."
Athletics Director Lew Perkins was unavailable for comment. Coach Mark Mangino issued a statement thanking crustaceans for their support and assuring them that he "really likes crab rangoon."
Heard on the Hill
How did you feel about the mighty goalposts coming down?
---
"Some of my friends were so excited they decided to go to Columbia to
celebrate, but they decided that wasn't hardcore enough so they drove to Colombia, South America, instead. The last I heard they were all strung-out in the hills outside of Bogota looking for the lost city of Juan Valdez."
Franceska Smith
Olathe junior
"Easily the greatest moment of my life. I'm going to tell my grandkids about it. Or maybe I'll just tell them I was in Braveheart."
Tom Collins nontraditional student
"Impossible. It didn't really happen. Those things were bolted down. It had
to have been pre-recorded footage."
Wilbur Hensen
Missouri fan
"After delivering a particularly stunning Math 100 lecture yesterday, I smashed the
overhead projector and flushed the pieces down the toilet. Boo yah!"
Randall Castillo teaching assistant
jayplay 23