tongue in beak
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
All is fair in love, war and the KU job fair
Bruce Springsteen once said, "Success makes life easier. It doesn't make living easier." He also once wrote, "She'll let
CAREER COUNSELING
you in her house/If you come knockin' late at night/She'll let you in her mouth/If the words you say are right/If you pay the price/She'll let you deep inside." Then a bunch of crap about secret gardens.
Until this week these words were nothing more than entries in my 365 Daily Springsteen Quotes Calendar. But thanks to a little
thing the University calls a "job fair," I have been introduced to what The Boss calls "success."
Or at least the potential for it. And according to several very respectable companies, my options are as "limited" as my 1987 J. Crew Edition Chevy Lumina. Thus, I thought it a nice service to supply you, my fellow students, with several easy tips on how to break into corporate America, at least figuratively.
I have found that first impressions are what people first think of you when they see you. So, appearance truly is everything. For my first round of interviews, I donned a clean pair of smart, yet stylish, Old Navy Outlet cargo pants ($5.99) and an understated, but clean, short-sleeve Oxford ($12.99 by Big Dog). It seemed as if some of the other applicants performed a fashion maneuver they referred to as "the tucking in of the shirt." Also, very few, if any, were wearing Teva's. Regardless, it is important to look nice and I received quite a few looks based solely on my appearance.
Now, with your sandal-clad foot in the door you are halfway there. Apparently the next important step is handing out your "resume." Unable to recall much of my employment history, I opted for what I believe will be the resume of the future: a photo album. It's important to include a spectrum of pictures so as to give the interviewer a more holistic view of your character. Words can deceive and delude, but pictures of chicks I almost jammed or the French Quarter Days Inn whirlpool I crapped in during the 1993 Final Four tell the real story. In one interviewer's words, "I'm going to have to report you for that." That's right. Report me straight into middle management.
Now you are almost equipped to handle the first, and most difficult, step on the path to success. But there are several tips that I had failed to consider and an interviewer was kind enough to angrily scribble on a cocktail napkin for me.
1. ) Job Fairs are not traditionally BYOB.
2. ) In fact, drinking or drunkenness to any degree is somewhat frowned upon at the fair or on the job.
3. ) Most Fortune 500 companies are not currently hiring "Boob Inspectors."
4. ) Nor is Yasmine Bleeth a credible reference for your stint at Baywatch Productions as "Boob Inspector."
5. ) No, I don't think that hot chick from Sprint will "do you."
6. ) That picture of the crap in the whirlpool is the grossest thing I've ever seen.
With this advice, appropriate dress; and a photo-resume, you too can receive some "interest" and varying degrees of professional success.
Collins is a non-traditional student who has studied at KU since 1968. He lives in a nine-person house on Ohio with a stray cat named Hack.
Parasite signs letter of intent to KU
By Rich Gedman
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
The super-speedy parasite Crypto recently signed a letter of intent to swim at KU
The University of Kansas swimming program has announced a preseason addition to its squad.
Coach Clark Campell told reporters yesterday that the team has received a national letter of intent from the Cryptosporidiosis parasite
Cryptosporidiosis, Lawrence native, prefers to be called Crypto. Crypto chose Kansas over a number of other schools because of the team's bio-chemistry.
"This summer I spent some time in the pool with a few of the girls and really got to know them," she said. "We really got into each other, or at least I got into them."
Campell said he was excited to
have such a big name recruit sign this late.
"The program is really lucky to have caught her before the season started," he said. "Not only does she
drive in the water, but her personality is really infectious."
Crypto will make her collegiate debut Sept. 27 at home versus Southern Illinois University.
5 NOT SEXY JAYHAWKS
A week after the infamous "Sex on the Hill" section in The University Daily Kansan, the Tongue in Beak staff has compiled a list of our own.
THE 1919 JAYHAWK
Though he appears very similar to the sexy 1912 Jayhawk in appearance, the 1919 Jayhawk saw the best Hawks of his generation destroyed by madness and machine-gun fire. A
veteran of the Great War, the 1919 Jayhawk crowled out of No Man's Land into emotional scars and a shellshocked sense of intimacy. Crippled by a dehumanizing war wound, yet chivalry intact, the
1919 Jayhawk later emi- 1919Jayhawk grated to Paris, where he withstood excruciating sexual temptation of imaginary ex-pat birds.
THE TONGUE IN BEAK STAFF
Nothing is more not-sexy than a bunch of guys who sit around in sports bars trying to come up with things to make you laugh. Nevertheless, Tongue in Beak at-large editor Emile Gorgonzola rejoiced at hearing the news. "I'd like to thank the whiskey," Gorgonzola said, tongue lodged
firmly in his beak. "Muck Fizzou."
THAT WOMAN AT THE BAR WHO HAS HAD 850 PARTNERS AND SELECTS HER MATES USING THE 'LAST MAN STANDING' PRINGIPLE
Don't go out with her. Just don't. If you want to meet a nice girl, go to a scholarship hall mixer. It's all fun and games until someone gets conceived. If you don't believe us, just ask Big Jay.
THE CAMPUS MASTURBATOR
Though numerous sightings and frequent footraces over the past several decades indicate an almost unprecedented virility on his part, this man is notorious for leaving young ladies unsatisfied. In fact, he generally runs away the moment they show any reaction, be it giggles, screams or calls to police.
Lenexa sophomore and Alpha Chj Omega member Emily Bartholomew said she has gradually grown disheartened by the behavior of the campus masturbator, whom she fell in love with late one August evening.
"One time when the sun was setting and the first shadows were falling on the Campanile, I looked over and saw a man," she said. "I'll never forget what he was wearing. He had on Nikes and nothing else. It was such a bold fashion statement, and he seemed like the kind of guy who could really back it up. I immediately
walked over to the spot where he was, but by the time I got there he had vanished. There was no
"Cam"
trace of him except for a white lighter with 'Kum & Go' printed in red. I reached down and picked it up. It was still warm. My heart has been his ever since. Which isn't to
say going steady with the campus masturbator is easy, love never is. But we do what we can. I save his newspaper clippings and I like to think that he needs me. My friends point out that he's perverse in a kind of criminal way, but I prefer to see the good in people. Besides, I've kind of always liked the bad-boy type. In high school I went out with a boy who had a skateboard. But these days, I have my Cam, that's what I call him for short. Some nights, I sit by my window like a girl in a John Cusack movie, waiting for him in my bid-day dress. Until then, I must take solace in the words of the old jazz standard, 'someday my masturbating prince will come.'"
TACKSONVILLE GAMECOCK
Seriously, we're not even trying anymore. But at least one of you out there felt strongly enough about this chicken to decide to choke it. Kudos.
FOR MORE SEE TOPANGA ON PAGE 36A
To contact the Tongue in Beak e-mail us at beak@kansan.com
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