tongue in beak
This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
You've got it all wrong
COMMENTARY
Zain Speldrong beak@kansan.com
You got it all wrong. You all think the Jayhawk's the best animal in existence. But guess what? Jayhawks don't even exist. I know this because I got out my phonebook and called and asked in the department of mascotology, who said, "Zain, you are always write." But I didn't stop there, like you would. I'm thorough! I called info (short for "information")
to maybe get the Jayhawk's number.
"No listing, sir." But even that is not all my thoroughism!
"What about a Jay Hawk?"
No.
"Is there a J. Hawk? Hawke? Hocke?"
"No, sir."
"Maybe K. U. Jayhawk?"
The operator told me never call again.
"You got me all wrong!" I yelled into a dial tone. Dis! My phone got hurled all the way to the ground.
I can't believe you didn't know there's no Jayhawk. And your knowledge is even punier than that: according to the Census Beauro, there was never was a Jayhawk. In the real world at least. I guess he could exist from one of those mucky countries with no toilets or sports or freedoms. So, how do you like your three-world mascot now?
Jayhawk, if your listening, I hate you. I had to buy a new phone because of you! I had to call David Burnham, KU paleontologist and putter-together of the Bambiraptor fossel—an animal that's realer than you! even the it's dead!—just to legitimize the obvious: you are worse than unreal, you are unreal-istic.
See, I asked David Burnham, "David, with the Jayhawk's head-body proportions, could it even hold its own stupid head up?" And David Burnham, because he does not got it all wrong, said, "NO!" Are me and David Burnham the only sane people on this planet?
I was so orgasmic you couldn't hold your own cranium up, I forgot my follow-up question: "Could the Jayhawk fly?" This doesn't change the fact that you could decidedly not! You couldn't even punch me. You have little buffalo wings like Prince Charles tails! Snap! So just try and do vengeance on me. And good luck climbing up here. I'll throw a phone on your lawnmower-hair head. A phone you won't see coming, because you have bad site, because your irises are oblong and no depth-reception! My knowledge is huge! I am a genius eye-scientist!
I was thinking, the existentialists said existence itself takes courage. So? So you have less courage than imaginable! Even Einstein and Shakespeare's baby they had together couldn't imagine your amount of wussyness. Know what? I'm sad your not real. You would get killed apart by cyclones and tigers and even the Baylor bear.
I'm gonna call David Burnham again and make him make a real, alive Bambiraptor, from D&A. Then, next year, THAT could be our mascot. I bet if we genetically engeneered you, we'd have to make special head-crutches just so you wouldn't flop around the football match like a meth-addict baby! Your such a big baby, Baby Jay is a redondancy. It's more like, "Smaller Baby Jay." I hope you both boo-hoo-hoo all over each other's nonexistent shoulders next autum when you hear KU chanting, "An apter, chapter, bambiraptor, Kaaaay, Youuiu!" I also hope you can hear better than you can see, so you can hear KU all the way from your underground sex-slave cage in no-toilet land.
Oh, and Jayhawk? Better start turning those tricks: you owe me a Jerassic Park phone.
Spoldrong is a Dublin, Ireland, graduate student in English.
Weight-loss icon Jared gains back lbs in smear campaign against McDonald's
Jared in 1998: before he began the now-famous Subway diet
Jared in 2001: a weight-loss success story and a patriot
By J.C. Hackmuth
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
After eating nothing but McDonald's Double Cheeseburgers for 10 days, Jared Fogle—the weight-loss success story featured in Subway commercials—has returned to his 1998 weight of 715 pounds.
shock at seeing the one time Subway media darling exploited so cruelly
Although Fogle's situation made him the butt of weight-loss jokes across the country, many viewers of a new commercial featuring Fogle expressed
Marketing experts say Jared's gain in girth is part of a smear campaign designed by Subway to nab the top spot in the fast-food industry from McDonald's.
Fogle first made headlines in 1999 after he dropped over 500 pounds by exercising and eating twice a day at his neighborhood Subway in Bloomington, Ind.
Jared today: after riding the bus to eat McDonald's twice a day
In addition to financing the new commercials, Subway is paying Fogle a
reported $7,000 worth of McDonald's products.
"It was the saddest thing I've ever seen," said Diedre Liebson, Lawrence junior. "The part of the commercial when he eats all those Happy Meals by himself in the ball bin and then has to buy back his size 86 corduroys from the thrift store, it just breaks my heart."
In a recent interview, Fogle appeared weary but amused by the amount of attention his new campaign has drawn.
"To be honest, I got kind of tired of Subway," he said. "It's not even good. Every time I go there I get hungry two hours later. And you know what else bugs me about Subway? They try and spruce it up with all their nasty new sauces, and
it's still gross."
Having given up fitness and social activities, Fogle spends his free time tossing pickles at cardboard cutouts of his once-slim self. He is also currently finalizing publishing deals for his collection of poetry, tentatively titled, "The Wasteline."
"Pull your chair up to the fast-food booth and I will tell you a story," Fogle promised. Look for it in bookstores this Spring.
WOMYN PROTEST
HEROINE LABEL
Women all over the country are displaying their dissatisfaction about particular wording that leads to discrimination against their gender. In light of recent releases of films about Spiderman, Daredevil and the Hulk, women are angry about the labeling of female role models.
"We want two things," stated Teresa Weiner, President of the Campaign for Womyn's Equality. "We want elimination of gender discrimination and the equality of women. That's women with a y, by the way."
Weiner said its main concern consisted of what she called the "hero discrepancy."
"Males with super powers are referred to as heroes and females with super powers are referred to as heroines," she said. "We are sick and tired of females having role models represented by the same word for an illegal street drug while males share hyponyx with a delicious Mediterranean sandwich. How
When asked about whether there were more pressing issues on the women's rights agenda such as the glass ceiling or the wage gap, Weiner explained that after clearing up the everyday linguistic issues, the rest would fall into place.
"After this we are going to tackle the intrinsic inaccuracies of having the word 'bar' in Barbie," she said. "It's unbelievable that men would imply that just because a female lacks testicles, she would become an alcoholic."
PRINTER JAM CAUSES MAN TO LOSE DEGREE
Jody Reed
arg girls supposed to admire these women when it sounds like they're all a bunch of smack queens.
It had been a turbulent 10 years, but Gordelle James, Lawrence resident, finally received an e-mail in his National American University mailbox announcing that he had completed his online degree from the famous university, which is well known for their kick-ass
Because James' mother has a deep appreciation for picnic-type activities, he chose to study bohemian basket weaving. His minor was going to be ladder making because he enjoyed climbing onto the roofs of his neighbors and velling out "Dookie" by Green Day.
television jingle.
When he first filled out his student information on the Web site, he had marked "morgue cosmetology" for his major. The screen then came up with an error because that was not one of the available courses in his area.
As the James family surrounded the computer Tuesday morning, Gordy clicked on the print icon. The degree started to print, but then there was a screeching noise and a dialog box reading "error, we are having trouble communicating with the printer." After he got the printer to work, the NAU Web site would not allow him to print again.
"We cannot just let everyone have two degrees when they graduate," explained the online school's coordinator Mark Bugges. James now has a lawsuit pending with NAU and Canon.
—Samuel Wilson Tilson
To contact the Tongue in Beak e-mail us at beak@kansan.com
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