supposed to do or be."
"It is a good opportunity to learn about relationships. Young people need to try out roles to see if it fits for them in the future. Given the high divorce rate it's good to consider taking the time they need before entering into this legal contract," John V. Spiridigliozzi, psychologist says. Spiridigliozzi, a practitioner at Psychological Resources Inc., 1711 Massachusetts St., says cohabitation is natural to all human beings, while marriage evolved for political and economic reasons. "The institution of marriage is losing members. It seems not to be working. We need to rethink the construct of what marriage is and what it means."
Before you start packing your bags and giving your landlord notice, take time to think about what you're getting into. If you are going to live together, wait until you're engaged and have set a wedding date. This is the least harmful
form of cohabitation. Also, live together for the shortest amount of time possible.
Solot advises having a candid conversation about expectations before moving in. Discuss big things such as marriage, kids and career goals, even if it is not in your immediate future. "If one of you thinks you're practically engaged while the other thinks you're just going to save money on rent for a while, you're in for an ugly surprise a year down the road." She also recommends waiting until you are sure this is the right decision for you and your relationship rather than rushing into things.
If you are already living together Spiridigliozzi maintains that constant communication is a key to making it work. "Be open with your partner. Discuss your feelings and needs."
—Becky Rogers, Jayplay writer, can be reached at brogers@kansan.com.
LOSE LOVE, NOT MONEY
You hate that he drinks milk out of the carton, especially now since he's no longer your boyfriend but still your roommate. If you'd had a plan, maybe that 800-square-foot apartment would be yours alone instead of still being shared with your past love. Don't get aggravated, get smart. Here's a heads-up for what to look out for before the big move and some advice for those struggling to move on.
Couples considering cohabitation can find simple advice from Legal Services for Students director Jo Hardesty - don't do it. She says because leases are joint, if the pair splits, one of the two is legally left footing the bill. "You better be pretty darn committed and realize you take a chance," Hardesty says.
Even if you were cautious and had a personal contract drawn up in addition to your apartment lease, you're still not off the hook. Should things get messy, small claims court is where you'll be headed. Suing your once sweetheart might be the only option if you hope to see the money you're entitled. But if you do win, you have to go through a collections office to get the money in your hands. Paying double rent for four months or longer while waiting to collect certainly isn't a nice way to return to singledom. While Legal Services for Students can help, it can only act on the behalf of one student and the other must get representation from a private attorney.
If you have your heart set on a move in, go for it but keep issues in mind, such as money management. A joint checking account in addition to each of your individual accounts ensures that your once honey can't steal your money. Use this account to pay your bills and rent and that's it.
While losing money may not be your fear, spending it should be. You should be extremely cautious with your money, says modern-day cupid Melissa Darnay. "Keep your money as separate as possible, especially if it's a first-time cohabitation," she says. One of you can buy the couch while the other is responsible for purchasing the kitchen table. So if you do call it quits, splitting up property won't be an additional burden. Darnay, author of Dating 101, says to keep in mind the strain of an emotional breakup and the possibility of being plunged into poverty should your ex spend all of the money. "People may think it's cold but you're not planning to break up. But if it does happen you don't want to have the added trauma," she says.
Darnay also says to move in with a plan and shared expectations. Sit down and talk with your partner pre-move-in and decide where you see the relationship going. If you plan on getting married,put a time frame on it. That will help bring stability to you and your partner's commitment.
Approach moving in with your partner as a roommate situation. While it may sound less romantic, you're protecting both of you. "You're not going to save money if you're unhappy," says Tina Tessina,
psychotherapist and author of How to be a Couple and Still be Free. Know how you'll deal with it if your other half doesn't live up to his or her responsibilities.
The key is thinking ahead and not letting your heart take control of your head. Be up front with your expectations and plans for expenses. Make a financial plan and stick to it. With a firm hand on your money, you're sure to have less cohabitation frustration.
—Jacqueline Lenart
Is this whose number you got last night?
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