relating
Living in love Weighing the pros and cons before moving in with your honey.BY BECKY ROGERS
I was a sophomore when I moved in with my boyfriend. We had been dating a year when our leases ran out and we were looking for new roommates. Because we spent all of our time together anyway, it seemed pointless to pay two rents. It caused quite a stir among our parents. But for us, it was the rational thing to do.
Now, three years later, we are still living together and thinking about eventually, heading down the aisle. But something that my newly-wedded friend told me gave me pause. Couples that live together before marriage are 50 percent more likely to divorce than those who don't. Have I damned myself to divorce before I've been proposed to? National studies seem to think so.
At the forefront of this research is Rutgers University's National Marriage Project. Its mission is to "provide research and analysis on the state of marriage in America and educate the public on the social, economic and cultural conditions affecting marital success and wellbeing."
In 2003, the study found most young American couples had lived together outside of marriage. One-fourth of unmarried women ages 25 to 39 are living with a partner and another fourth have before. Roughly half of all couples in their first marriage lived together.
Reasons for the rise in cohabiting couples are diverse. The National Marriage Project found that today, sexual activity occurs at a younger age, while marriage occurs later in life to accommodate educational and career goals. During this extended period of time, cohabitation can save people money, provide companionship and allow for sexual activity in a relatively safe environment.
"Concern about divorce is a big factor," Dorian Solot, executive director of the Alternatives to Marriage Project says. "Most young people are very concerned about avoiding divorce, so they want to
be absolutely sure this is 'the one' before they get married.."
The risk you're taking is ending up divorced, writes David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-directors of the National Marriage Project. Their study shows that marriages beginning with cohabitation are 46 percent more likely to end. Cohabitating couples are also at an increased risk for domestic violence and report lower levels of happiness and well-being.
overall. There's no reason to be afraid that if you live together, your relationship is doomed."
Solot sees cohabitation as a chance to build confidence in relationships. "Let's face it; the institution of marriage comes with a lot of baggage. Many of the people I talk to say they like having the freedom to define their relationship and their roles themselves, based on what works for them, not what a 'wife' or 'husband' is
Solot agrees cohabitators that go on to marry have higher divorce rates. But cohabitation isn't necessarily the cause. "When you think about who those people are who don't cohabitate, it's pretty predictable: people who are older, more religious, more conservative politically and more strongly opposed to divorce. But that's not because they did or did not live together — it's because of who they are
Photo Illustration by Z. Gordon Strauss/Kansen Cohabitation doesn't have to be a fight. Learning how to compromise when living with your significant other can make a relationship all that much stronger.
6 jayplay
thursday, september 18, 2003