[tongue in beak]
- This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted.
MEDITATION GROUP HIT BY 'GAUTAMA 7' VIRUS
A transcendental virus has befallen the KU Bofhissatvas, a club that dedicates itself to the achievement of spiritual betterment through meditation.
Jonathan Redhall, Denver sophomore was among the first to be afflicted.
"I was moving between transpersonal bands when up popped Mara, the embodiment of ignorant being, saying 'Access denied' in a really chirpy voice," he said.
Olathe junior Zack DeJohnetta was in the fourth Dhyana level of Bliss when "a vast, negative wind" engulfed him.
"It completely ruined the equanimity I had been working on all day, and now my Chi is busted," DeJohnette said. "I'm probably going to have to get a new one."
When asked who might have started the malevolent vibe, Prairie Village junior and meditation session host Donnie Titterington related the rumor that a disgruntled Zen monk in California created the ugliness.
'KANSAN' STAFF TO KEEP PUBLISHING DESPITE NEWS DROUGHT
Despite the lack of a recent newsworthy event locally, nationally or internationally,the students of the William Allen White School of Journalism have decided to continue publishing The University Daily Kansan.
Writers and editors insist that plugging on is the right thing to do, ignoring reader grumblings that certain features are "so boring they hurt the soul."
"We're just now getting over the lice infestation that spread on the meditation pillows this spring, and now this," Titterington, said, scratching his posterior while he mused about the group's future. "But hey, all life is impermanent, so what can you do?"
Kendra Jackson, The Kansan's Readers Representative, promises better times ahead.
—Sem Hopkins
"OK, so our features right now are about sword shops and mold," Jackson said. "So we covered the fact that it rained and then followed that up with an article on the mold that the rain caused. Once Gdub throws out a spoonerism with a swear word or the Chancellor is caught in a nonmatching bra and panty combo, we'll run the Jayplay condom and lube rating feature and we're back in the hunt."
Architecture students' grumbling results in banishment from Eaton
A Dedication sign for Eaton Hall, Schmeeton Hall stands above the site where architecture students plan to erect the balsa wood answer to Eaton's utilitarian ugliness.
Critics, however, say the paper should cease unnecessary paper waste by printing only the crossword puzzles and Free-For-All until real news comes around.
Matt Davis
Kansan File Photo
To contact the Tongue in Beak e-mail us at beak@kansan.com
By Mark Pacey beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
The dean of engineering issued a proclamation Monday morning banning all architecture students from the newly constructed Eaton Hall engineering building.
When asked why architecture students were no longer welcome in the new facilities, Dean Bell said he was tired of all their grumbling and negative attitude.
"This is a brand new 15 million dollar state of the art facility," Bell said. "I don't care if they would have designed it differently, they don't even have class in it."
Since the facility opened, many architecture students have been caught roaming the Eaton halls commenting on the design. Electrical Engineering and Computer Science students, the main occupants of the new addition, are tired of the nuisance created by these unwelcome guests.
"It's really hard to concentrate with them yelling to one another across the hallways about the neo-industrial design stifling their
creativity," said Jonah Gould, Ogden Junior and EECS student.
In protest of the proclamation and design of Eaton Hall, the architecture students have banded together to build their own addition to Learned. The plans for "Eaton Hall, Schmeeton Hall" call for everything from towers with gargoyles to a flying saucer landing pad. It will be made entirely of balsa wood, the building material of choice for all
architecture students, and will measure approximately two feet high.
The group's leader, who asked only to be known as "Jingles," commented, "This is by far the biggest thing any of us has ever made, it's going to be a challenge."
When informed of the plan Dean Bell chuckled and said that he wished "Jingles" luck.
Corporate art mistaken for mechanical bull
By Emile Gorgonzola
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
A University of Kansas student mistook a "Jayhawk on Parade" for a mechanical bull late Friday night after drinking with friends on Massachusetts Street.
manning with friends on Massachusetts Toby Silver, Junction City junior and transfer student from Kansas State University, violently rocked the "Marvelous Mosaic Floral Jayhawk" back and forth while yipping at passersby and twirling an imaginary lasso.
Silver's rodeo antics came only five days after a man dressed as Aquaman was found slumped in the arms of the "Merhawk" just outside the Jayhawk bookstore. Lawrence Police attribute the recent events to a preseparation anxiety to the soon-to-be-auctioned figurines.
"Toby was in a bad mood all night," Lovitch said. "He had his head in his hands and kept saying things like, 'I miss my horse' and 'Why wasn't I in the fashion show?' But once he saw the bird he got this big smile
Jenny Lovitich, Wichita senior, said she had been drinking with Silver and other friends at Coyotes before they headed downtown.
Kansan File Photo
The Marvelous Mosaic Jayhawk parades proudly on the 700 block of Massachusetts Street, apparently unfazed by the vicious rodeo-ing.
on his face. The whole thing was pretty amusing and quixotic, really, right up until he started shouting things at Haskell Indian Nations students."
Silver is being held without bail at Douglas County Jail.
KU FOOTBALL SUGGESTED ATTENDANCE BOOSTERS
Permit meth tabs in parking lots before games
- Have Mark Mangino do "truffle shuffle" after touchdowns
Require team members' girlfriends to attend
Burrito King "Burrito Cannon" promotion during time-outs
New sequins for the KU Dance Team
Scrimmage Men's basketball team - in basketball
Give student fans coupons for $3 off tuition
Say something about supporting the troops.
Win
LIB'S JOKE OF THE WEEK
A red sock and a blue sock walk into a bar. They each order a pickled egg and a beer. The bartender brings them the eggs and beers and says, "Where's your white sock, American Flag?"
Submitted by Pablo von Carrot
Thursday, September 14, 2003.