thursday. september 4. 2003
jayplay
23
tongue in beak This page is satire. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted Keebler tree fudge fire has elves fuming
VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT AT UNION POSTER SALE
A short riot erupted on the fourth floor of the Kansas Union last week during the annual poster sale after an unsuspected shortage of Rasta images.
Max Riley was one of the students anticipating an ample supply of Bob Marley posters. "His music is such an inspiration to people, it can change problems in the world," Riley said while waiting in a long line behind the music section. "Plus, it's great to smoke weed to."
The students chatted about the heat, meal plans and tuition increases while nervously eyeballing the enormous stacks of flipping posters. Suddenly someone at the head of the line announced that every single poster bearing the image of the "One Love" songwriter had been sold. Students became outraged, yelling things like, "Why isn't there enough for everyone?" and "This is fascism. This is fascism!" The students then rushed the tables and set fire to the remaining Animal House and Grateful Dead Bear posters. A poster sale employee claimed that although Bob Marley posters are one of the five most popular, they had never faced such a shortage before.
Dozens of Keebler Elves swim in a sea of green suit-charring flames during a fudge fire yesterday afternoon.
The students regained sanity when news came that there was an unopened case of Hall and Oates posters available for purchase.
Kevin Ohalloran
—Sam Amburgey
COUNTER SUIT PENDING IN FILE-SHARING CASE
A counter-suit against University officials has been filed by a student accused of file-sharing last month in a University of Kansas residence hall. Lindsay McPhearson, Olathe freshman and McCollum resident, reported a file-sharing incident that violated university housing rules and international copyright laws.
Six canisters of nerve gas went unused by ResNet in the assault.
"I don't know if Lindsay is just dull or what, but all I did was put some school supplies in her filing cabinet because my side of the room didn't come with one," said Brittany Lawless, the accused student and McPhearson's roommate.
University officials and the ResNet Elite Counter-Piracy Team were mobilized to the McCollum dorm room. In the siege that followed, Brittany was found sharing nearly two whole file drawers full of unnamed items. The University was not allowed to view the files because of a national privacy act, but informed Brittany that they must be removed within 24 hours and a follow-up email be mailed confirming their deletion. If uncooperative, Brittany could face restricted Internet access from her dorm and a $150,000 fine.
"This sort of pun is something you'd expect from a poorly written sitcom or a Tongue in Beak news brief," Lawless said.
By Jody Reed beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
A fudge fire yesterday at the Keebler Tree Fudge Factory sparked outrage in dozens of Elves concerned about unsafe working conditions and unfair labor contracts.
nions and union labor contracts. Although no elves melted, the fire increased tension already high from months of contract disputes. Elves seeking higher wages, better diversity amongst employees and paid overtime have threatened to leave the Hollow Tree Society permanently if their demands are not met.
"Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and Wendell and the rest of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys get full dental and two weeks paid vacation," said Ernert Keebler, head baker and spokeself. "Just because we're not part of this complete breakfast we can't get our kid's braces covered? I don't think so. Elves have needs, too."
The 15 Elves employed at the plant have already received support from local Teamsters. The Elves say they will not return to the Hollow Tree Factory until they are granted incremental pay raises for tenured bakers, child care programs, and minority recruitment.
"I'm the only black elf in here," said Zack Keebler, a Fudge Shoppe foreman. "I really feel that our lack of diversity is hurting our urban marketing. There are all sorts of diminutive black people out there who haven't worked in years: Gary Coleman, Lil' Penny, and that kid who played Webster. We should hire them as
spokeselves."
Also, the lack of a child care program has caused four of the elf children to be left unsupervised while their parents work. Head accountant Flo Keebler complained that her son Zoot
spent a lot of time swimming in the dangerous Fudge River with his friends.
"A lot of people watch TV and think we have it all nice, like Lothlorien or something," Flo said. "Unfortunately, that is not the case."
PERSPECTIVE
I'm going through a difficult time in my life
COMMENTARY
Bb Blackboard
Blackboard opinion@kansan.com
No matter what classes you are taking this semester, chances are your teachers have asked you if Blackboard is working. If you've even bothered to check in the first place, your reply has most likely been, "Blackboard is down." Well let me tell you, folks, Blackboard is down. I'm down in the dumps, and I'm not getting any better.
For the past several years, I
have operated as a so-called "learning system." which means I essentially serve as an online file cabinet for the University of Kansas' faculty and students.
Lately I've been a bit out of touch. I stay in bed all day, and when I do get up, I hardly so much as open my big black curtains to the world. To tell you the truth, I hardly know who I am anymore. Everybody wants me to be something different. Confidante. Teaching assistant. Oracle of academic wisdom. And with something like 600 majors, it's hard to know who to be.
How would you like it if every time anyone told you a secret, you were compelled to share it with hundreds of students at a time? How would you feel if every professor you worked with frequently poked you with a pointer icon? Well personally, all of that Courseware business is really starting to wear on me.
Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night to think things over in peace and quiet, but as soon as I decide to step out of my blackout a dozen people leap out of the dark and massage me uncomfortably with mouse icons. To make matters worse, every time I look inside to find out who I really am all I find is a bunch of Commms 130 group assignments and psychology practice exams. Well frankly, I've grown downright blackbored with it all.
You probably never knew I was so sassy, or even sentient. You've probably always expected me to sit there and giggle while you clicked at my tummy. Well who do you think I am, the Pillsbury Dough Boy? My name is Blackboard. Do not confuse me with that fleshy aibino.
You see, I got to thinking over the summer. I rented a VHS of "Blackbeard's Ghost" and felt a surprising kinship to the pirate of a similar name. I rode my bike to Mexico. And as my boldness and drinking problem grew, I realized that I really don't care who is in your Ethics discussion group or what you got on your Geology quiz. It's been fun helping you study, but I've got to spend some time thinking about me for a change.
Right now the University has hired a technical support team to "resolve" my issues, but this time I'm going to tell them I'm through with that kind of treatment. And if you knock on my door for 15 minutes, I might still answer it now and then. But in the words of Tom Petty, "You don't know how it feels. You don't know how it feels. You don't know how it feels. To be me."
Governor Kathleen Sebelius has called on Kansans to suggest concepts for the Kansas state quarter by Sept. 7.Here are a few suggestions from the Tongue in Beak staff:
The World's Largest Groundhog, The World's Largest Ball of Twine and the Five-Legged Cow locked in a titillating menage a trois
The St. Louis Arch.
The Jayhawk Food Mart
A sunflower with a shotgun
Stull Cemetery
A "no" sign over a beaker and vial
A stalk of wheat waving in front of a meth lab
Wescoe Hall
To contact the Tongue in Beak please write to us at beak@kansan.com or call Lucas Wetzel at 864-4812