16 jayplay.
thursday. september 4. 2003
AGE-OLD AFFAIR
Romancing the idea of stepping outside common boundaries
By Jacqueline Lenart
jlenet@kansan.com
Jayplay writer
Eyes square in on them as they enter the restaurant. A distinguished, salt and pepper-haired man with a firm, wrinkle-free 20-something woman. They seem a little too intimate to be father and daughter. It's an age-old question. Large age differences between couples are all the rage. Hollywood couple Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher boast a 15-year age gap, while Angelina Jolie and equally odd ex Billy Bob Thornton bore a two decade difference.
But before you go fulfilling your own hot-for-teacher fantasy, there are a few things to keep in mind. From legality to lack of common interests, widening the age gap typically leads to problems. Playing "how low can you go" will get you in serious trouble. Kansas law says sexual intercourse with anyone younger than 16 is illegal.
Even if you're clear of the law, don't let that stop you from considering why dating someone much younger or older is appealing. Relationship expert and author of The Q&A Dating Book Sherry Amatenstein says, "Differences get lessened as you get older but if you're dating someone much younger, they don't have as much life experience."
Level of experience can also enter the bedroom. Amatenstein says sexually active partners might notice a difference in performance with an older or younger flame. "Generally women mature later sexually than men but younger guys don't know what they're doing," she says. "Guys are looking out for their own satisfaction whereas older men tend to be more sensitive, better lovers."
Dennis Dailey, University of Kansas human sexuality professor, says while age differences can affect sexual satisfaction in
relationships, it's not a given that they will. He says older partners may have more experience than younger, which could result in insecurity and jealousy by the younger half. On the flip side, the more experienced partner can help make the situation positive by serving as a teacher.
If you're a woman considering an older man as an option, don't cast aside your boy toy alternative yet. According to healthandage.com, boys reach their sexual peak at about age 18, which is something to consider compared to the many men age 40 and older who begin to experience impotence.
Or perhaps you're a sexually active man with an older woman in mind. You should know that a recently published survey reported that women's top sexual problem was lack of interest. The study entitled Sexual Dysfunction in the United States also showed that about one-third of women ages 40 to 60 experienced sexual difficulties. Problems occurred less in younger women surveyed. Note that interest in sex does depend a bit on the availability of a partner - a particular issue
Healthandage.com reports the sexual problems in women at all ages are far more often psychological than physical.
While you may be satisfied in the sack, out of it could pose problems. Dailey says it's important for couples with large age gaps to understand they're coming from different perspectives. "Differences are always in relationships but the real issue is how couples cope with difference. If they expect to be coming from the same place, they are in deep trouble."
A college freshman focused on exploring freedom when paired with a senior searching for a job isn't exactly a recipe for success. With such different goals in mind, plans for a weekend date seem a lot less fun and a bit more complicated. Keep in mind from the start that your partner isn't in the same place as you,
feeling a balance is the key.
Try trading off activities that you each enjoy while still making time for your common interests. Focusing on your commonities will help diminish your opposing desires. Make sure your tally sheet isn't always at your fingertips. Instead, focus on how happy your honey bun is when you participate in something he or she loves. This doesn't mean your idea of fun should always take a backseat and don't let it. Do, however, realize that compromise does mean giving a little.
As if spending half of your together time doing stuff you have no interest in isn't enough, you also have those pesky friends begging for your better half's time. Though your age indifferent partner may be great for you there is no guarantee that his or her friends will be as well
adjusted. So don't be surprised if you don't hit it right off with your guy or gal's best buds.
Think about new ways the two of you can spend your free time. Attempt something that you've both never done before such as volunteering or joining a co-ed sports league. By experiencing the learning curve together and meeting new people, you're sure to find out quickly if the relationship is going to work.
Amatenstein says for many college students a first love takes on over-importance and emotion. "You're so young and act like you'll never be in love again but remember life won't be over if it doesn't work out." She says learning who you are is important to knowing what you want in a partner. Awareness of what makes you tick will help you better communicate that to your mate.