thursday, august 28, 2003
jayplay 23
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tongue in beak
RADIOHEAD FAN
ABDUCTED BY SUBTERRANEAN
HOMESICK ALIEN
"Then I saw this thing...it looked like a short man with a scruffy hair cut and a lazy eye, and it's head was bobbing back and forth," he said. "I knew it was out of this world, then it shot me with a blue ray, and it was like an ice age coming, an ice age coming."
Ann McBland, Chicago freshman was also with him at the time.
John Fillenbrauer, Abilene junior, stroked his half-shaven head, his fingers lingering on a recent-looking scar of a bear baring sharp teeth-a souvenir from out of this world.
"It was so weird," McBland said. "There was a flash and he just sort of disappeared, seconds later he came back with a half shaved head and a funky looking scar. We still saw the show and all, but he kept on freaking out. If you ask me, he just seemed like a creep."
"I just wanted to see my favorite band, Radiohead, in St. Louis, but it all went wrong," Fillenbrauer said. He stopped for a moment and looked at a shining bronze karma police badge above his head. "I was going down I-70 listening to the Talking Heads, when this great glowing gas erupted in the ground and next thing I knew I was surrounded by fake plastic trees."
He stopped for a moment, shut his eyes tight and began muttering about wanting to be Jim Morrison.
Rock Chalk Meal Plan card holders enjoy salads and newfound camaraderie at Skies Restaurant in Kansas City, Mo.
KEMPER AWARD ACCIDENTALLY GIVEN TO SOMEONE WHO CAN ACTUALLY USE IT
P. James Cady
To contact the Tongue in Beak please write to us at beak@kansan.com
or call Lucas Wetzel at 864-4812
Bob Wilson, a student housing maintenance employee, received a Kemper Award when University of Kansas officials mistakenly handed him a $5,000 cash prize intended for a Biology professor of the same name.
Chancellor Hemenway's "Surprise Squad" burst into an Oliver Residence Hall supply closet yesterday to bestow the award upon Wilson during his cleaning shift.
"Golly," Wilson told the media entourage. "Now I can pay off my trailer and eat a meal. Heck, maybe I can even convince my wife not to get a divorce. I love you, Janice."
—Natty Bumppo
10 more cash prizes will be awarded next week.
Students use new meal plan at cafes, strip clubs
By Lemmy Louisovich beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
After years of malnutrition, emaciation and utter social ineptitude. University of Kansas students are lining up by the masses to sign up for the Rock Chalk Meal Plan, a commercial and philanthropic venture designed to feed students and provide them with better lives.
The Rock Chalk Meal Plan provides students with plastic cards that score them free meals at off-campus eateries such as Subway, Quizno's, Papa John's and All-Stars.
"Statistically speaking, it just makes sense," said Mike Dolezal, regional director for the program. "Your average on-campus meal plan costs $1,200 a year. Factor in missed meals, holidays and theft of pocket change by cafeteria bullies, and you're basically paying $200 a meal. With our plan, and the complicity of your parents, all meals are free."
Cynthia Higgins, Nashville freshman, said the plan also helped her make friends.
"At Mrs. E's, no one would talk to me," Higgins said. "I was just another bid day-reject eating mountains of soft-serve. Then, I got a meal card and all of a sudden these cute boys came up and invited me to Chili's. It was just like in the Chili's commercials where everybody drinks margaritas and the serving staff high five each other. Good-bye social leprosy, hello Rock Chalk Meal Plan."
For students such as Jimmy Lane, who uses his RCMP card at the Flamingo, the Rock Chalk
Meal Plan has helped accelerate his journey into adulthood.
"I ate some food, met some nice girls, and I didn't even have to use any of my money," said Lane, Lenexa freshman. "The great thing about the Rock Chalk plan is that they always have a featured restaurant of the week. Like last week, my RCMP card got me a free lap dance here at the Dirty Bird. Of course, this made things kind
of awkward when it came time to give a tip. I mean, wasn't entirely certain where to scan the thing, so I ended up just ceding her 15 free enchiladas at Carlos O'Kelly's."
Dolezal said students were pleased to have the program after begging for it for years.
"You're the best, RCMP," he told the Free For All several times last week. "Thank you for starting it at KU."
SPORTS
Christ takes over as Baylor AD
Christ will take over a department that has been rocked by the murder of a basketball player and the arrest of his teammate as well as numerous NCAA violations that resulted in the resignation of the men's basketball coach and former Athletics Director.
Baylor University, the nation's largest Baptist University, has hired Jesus Christ as the new Athletics Director.
"We are convinced that Jesus will be the Savior of this department," Baylor President Robert Sloan said.
Though Christ has no experience handling an athletics department, he is generally credited with starting a new religion. He has also served as a special assistant for His Father in Heaven as well as a laundry helper for the University of Kansas football program.
is a military helper for the University of Hawaii. "It's my fate to save humanity, and I think the Baylor Athletics Department is a great place to start." He said. "The town of Waco has welcomed me into their community. It's like they already worship me."
Christ plans on overhauling the entire department. He said He would hire twelve associate athletic directors to spread His word. Sources within the University of Baylor say Christ will also hire Moses to cut through the sea of red tape that resulted from the NCAA violations.
Jesus said He would be uniquely prepared for the daunting task of rebuilding the public image of Baylor's athletics department.
"I've dealt with the aftermath of Sodom and Gomorrah as well as public relations disasters like the Spanish Inquisition," Christ said during a press conference. "And let's not even talk about priests. Reconciling the problems within the department can't be that challenging."
by Sean O'Grady
Professor's joke unfunny, stupid
By Sam Hopkins beak@kansan.com Kansan satire writer
Early morning university classes are a tough crowd, especially in three-degree temperatures. This Tuesday, students report, English faculty member Dr. Dean Bartley set a new low for attempted humor by a teacher.
attempted humor by a successful
This week's topic in the 9:30-10:20
section of Intro to American Fiction
had been "Expressions of African-
American Urban Culture," according
to students who took notes. At
approximately 9:43 Tuesday morning,
Bartleby wrote the terms "Fifty Cents"
and "Ludicrous" on the blackboard,
proceeding immediately to cross them out.
"When I say 'the anger or gneto youth,' I am not referring to your rap stars like Fifty Cents or Ludicrous."
He then grinned in the direction of graduate teaching assistant Robert Bankridge, who laughed uproariously.
Immediate student responses varied from furrowed brows to whispered "Are you kidding?"s to continued napping.
Josh Petrovich, St. Louis sophomore, was alert, and offered the following analysis, "I guess he was trying to connect with us or something."
Bartleyby's joke is thought to have suffered a worse-than-normal death because of his illustration, wherein he misspelled the well-known rap artists' names by correctly spelling the words from which they were derived.
Brandon Jackson, Junction City junior, later admitted to having chuckled right after the joke, but offered the following justification: "I was just laughing at what a dumbass he is."
Inside
Man responsible for spreading bacteria in city pool announces he has overcome the runs and is ready to move on with life.
Ease of Online enrollment causes student to habitually alter schedule while intoxicated.