thursday, august 21, 2003
jayplay
23
tongue in beak
This page is saint. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Other use of real names is accidental unless otherwise noted
STUDENT SUBMITS TO MARS' INFLUENCE
The increased visibility of the planet Mars, which scientists say is the greatest in 3,600 years and/or our lifetimes, has prompted curious behavior in at least one University of Kansas student. Friends of Johanna Harrelson, Platt junior, say she hasn't been the same since they first pointed out the red planet to her one night on the steps of Hashinger Residence Hall.
"It's kind of bizarre," said Krista Jones, Omaha Freshman. "She just stays in her room all day staring at the black-lit 'Space Jam' posters she bought at the Union while blasting Echo and the Bunneymen's Killing Moon on our brand-new mini-shelf system. I kind of worry about what will happen when classes start."
In addition to dyeing her hair red, Harrelson claims to have watched the 1997 film Mars Attacks at least six times in the past two days.
A valiant move by a Daisy Hill technician may have saved hundreds of student computers from the Blaster Worm.
"That part at the end, when the guy talks about how we should all live in teeepees, that's so right-on," Harrelson said.
RESNET TRIUMPHS OVER
BLASTER WORM
Convocation turns into giant love-in
"At first I was petrified," said Vincent Casey, ResNet technician. "I had never dealt with a virus before. I didn't even know I had speakers on my computer until last week, but that's a different story."
Despite his initial fear, Casey did what any ResNet technician would: get ready to take the mother down. The worm exploits a weakness in Windows 2000 and Windows XP systems and has affected hundreds of thousands of systems in the last week.
"I still had NetNanny installed on my computer from when I lived with my parents, so I thought I'd be safe. Wrong!" exclaimed Casey. "It finally dawned on me that all I needed to do was download the patch to disk from a different computer, transfer it to the infected system, and then ZAP! Another victory for the ResNet squad. I don't think those worms knew who they were dealing with."
To contact the Tongue in Beak please write to us at beak@kansan.com Have a good year & play it safe.
ResNet had piles of discs with the patch available to students on move-in day.
Kevin Ohalloran
Sprawled out on blankets of many colors, a motley group of students gather outside the Lied Center to celebrate the ancient pagan festival known as "Back to School Eve."
By Lemmy Louisovich
beak@kansan.com
Kansan scriat writer
A solid turnout and a wave of enthusiasm for the start of classes resulted in a massive celebration last night outside the Lied Center. Despite the crowd's large numbers and festive attire, a peaceful atmosphere prevailed, and only a handful of arrests were made.
Though Convocation had been billed as the official beginning of the academic year, organizers called the pre-party "the best celebration of the worst generation." Revelers gathered in the parking lot as early as 4 p.m. to sell vegetarian burritos, compare class schedules and roll special marijuana cigarettes known as "joints." By the time scheduled speakers Chancellor Robert Hemenway and Student Body President Andy Knopp arrived in their tour bus, the Lied center parking lot was a virtual sea of celebration.
Ryan Clinger, Dallas freshman, blew bubbles and noodle danced his way through packs of brightly-clad sorority hopefuls.
"I haven't been this faded since I went on Bob Dole Tour," Clinger said. "I hope the Chancellor jams out."
After the ceremony, fans gathered at tables to sign up for bootleg recordings of the so-called "Pomp and Circumstance." Special tents were set up in which revelers waved glowsticks and danced to club remixes of KU fight songs.
"It was so exciting," said Kelly Nielson, Wichita sophomore. "Knopp/Hemenway was the best double-billing at the Lied Center since Beck toured with the 'Lips."
Although a student received medical attention for a popcorn overdose at an earlier Hawk Week event, no injuries were reported at Convocation. Campus police confiscated 22 grams of marijuana, one tank of nitrous oxide and 17 Trapper-Keepers.
'Hail to Olde KU': A lesson in University pre-history
by Flat Plorp Professor of History
the days of the great Jayhawke, there was a place called Olde KU. A place where homo sapiens, homo sapiens sapiens, and homo homo sapiens sapiens could get together and earn a little college credit. Of course, in those days it wasn't called "Olde" KU. It wasn't called anything. It just was.
If you visit a sporting event at the University of Kansas, you are sure to hear the last two words of our alma mater. But chances are you do not know the full depth of their meaning. In truth, none of us really will. But in the small space before me, let me do my best to unravel the tale of the real university; the University of Kansas only vaguely hinted at in the nature of the stones and earth of this campus: Olde KU.
Once upon a time, in
These were dark times. In fact, the primitive sun only shone upon Olde KU a mere four hours of the day. Most of the light came from funeral pyres and burnt offerings to the Gods. Death was common then. The giant eggs of the Jayhawke were known to crush the skulls of many an unsuspecting student.
When the eggs of the Jayhawke weren't killing students, they were used at the Jaybowl. However, the oblong shape of the egg made bowling difficult. But despite this shortcoming and the lack of electronic scoring, it was always the Jaybowl, and the ghosts of bowlers past will eat the souls of any people who try and change that.
The rest of the Union was a giant mead hall, except for Woodruff Auditorium, which showed blockbusters sponsored by Student Union Activities. SUA also sponsored "Day on the Hill," a now-defunct drum circle and Woolly Mammoth Parade that created the valley we now refer to as "Campanile Park." The Campanile itself would not be built until later, when it was erected to honor the veterans of the War of the Roses.
There was an active student government at Olde KU. Each year, the alpha male would be decided by a competition culminating in a to-the-death battle with stone implements, because it was before the bronze age. Campus was a network of sidewalks that from
overhead can be seen as unrecognizable animal forms. The steam whistle was built in these times, operated by a sacrificing an animal every hour to produce a screeching noise similar to today's whistle. Strong Hall's foundation is fashioned out of used stone tablets from old classes such as Animal Fur Design, Firestarting and Firestarting 142. (the five-hour honors section). The admissions office's motto was "You're not in Pangaea anymore."
The residence halls were there since the beginning of time. They were utilized as giant storage bins for food, others as mass graves. They are the product of superior alien technology, which is why they still stand today.
A strong emphasis was placed on recreational acts of destruction. Some students would spend time uprooting trees. Others would dig holes for no apparent reason. Little is known about the recreational activities of these early students. But it is thought that they ran through the Mt. Oread neighborhood, responsibly drinking large amounts of Coca-Cola products. However, this is only speculation. History, after all, will never reveal all of its secrets. The bastard.
For an alternate version of campus history, visit www.kuhistory.com