6 jayplay.
thursday, august 21, 2003
dating
MEETING UP IS HARD TO DO
By Becky Rogers
brogers@kansan.com
Jayplay staff writer
"Hey baby. What's your sign?" just does not get you as far anymore. The dating scene has changed on college campuses. Today, students are dating less and hooking up more.
According to a study commissioned by the Independent Women's Foundation, hooking up is "a distinctive sex-withoutcommitment interaction between college women and men, is widespread on-campuses and profoundly influences campus culture, although a minority of students engage in it." On the other hand, dating on college campuses is defined as a fast-moving, highly committed relationship that involves spending lots of time together but rarely going out. Formal dating has been abandoned in favor of hanging out, which is less structured.
College life has filled the place in no-man's land between adolescence and adulthood. Students take this time as a final opportunity to have fun and be free before joining the real world and settling down with a job and all the pressure that comes with it. Dating in college has adopted the same form. Hook-ups are more casual than dating but still allow students to test out the dating scene.
"People want to have fun," Lydia Kim, Olathe senior, says. "College is a new experience and a time to try new things. Casual dating helps you meet more people than sticking to one person in a relationship."
Several factors shifted the
change in attitude about dating on college campuses. During the sexual revolution, attitudes toward extramarital sex softened allowing greater freedom within relationships. During this time colleges also started relaxing their rules regarding student housing. Colleges took over where parents left off, segregating men and women. Standards slowly relaxed, and students began to live closer together.
"This deals with our entire society," Kim says. "People are constantly seeing dating as casual through TV, and so they imitate that in real life."
Marriage, however, still remains a major life goal for most college women. According to the survey, 83 percent of college women still aspire towards marriage.
The new survey stresses the hook-up culture has almost no shared norms or expectations. This leads to mixed feelings regarding relationships and roles among those who hook up.
"It totally varies from person to person. Some guys want to pay for everything, and some want to split it fifty-fifty," Kim says.
Even though the definitions have changed, the rules remain the same. Unwritten rules about flirting and meeting people guide both hooking up and dating. One misstep and you may be going home alone. A little preparation can save you from embarrassment later on. Coordinator at It's Just Lunch, Kelly Castor, gave Jayplay some do's and don'ts for the dating scene. It's Just Lunch is a dating service in Kansas City for professional men and women.
Don't Try Too Hard to Impress
When getting ready to go out, do not overdo it, Castor says. Ladies, keep your makeup and perfume to a minimum, and stay away from hairstyles and clothing trends that you have not tried before. It is important to look your best, but you still want to be comfortable. If you are not comfortable, the person you are talking to will not be comfortable. It is hard to get to know someone if they appear unapproachable.
Have Confidence
"Belief in one's self makes all things possible," author and life coach for ivillage.com, Katherine Martin, says. Confidence works like a magnet drawing other people to you. When others are looking at you to decide whether they want to approach you, they can read your opinion of yourself through your body language, she says. Maintain good posture, smile, and make eye contact. All of these signals tell other people that you are worth checking out.
Strike Up a Conversation
According to the Social Issues Research Center Web site, most people are afraid to approach someone because they do not know what to say. According to the Web site, 55 percent of an initial impression is based on
appearance and body language. 38 percent on the style of speech, and 7 percent on what is actually said. When in doubt, it is always good to start by introducing yourself and asking questions about the other person. Stick to subjects that you are comfortable with and that reveals things about your personality such as special interests and hobbies. Castor says. Be wary of saying too much. This is not the time to rehash old relationships or to start a political or religious debate. Mind your manners.
watch what you eat and drink.
"Stay away from food that is hard to eat like spaghetti or that will get stuck in your teeth like spinach." Castor says.
Try not to drink too much either. Believe it or not, attractiveness can actually decrease with the number of drinks you have.
Lastly, relax, have fun, and smile.
"Remember," Castor says. "If he's not the one, he's got friends."
WHO KNEW?
There are 100 million single adults in the United States.
79% of men take just 15 minutes on a first date to decide whether or not to see the person again.
$201 is the average amount men spend on dates per month. compiled from it's Just Lunch
SO WHERE DO I GO?
People out looking for that special someone tend to frequent the bars and clubs more often than those who already are hooked up. However, bars and clubs are not the only place to meet new people. There are places all around you that give you a head start by connecting
you with people that will have similar interests.
Gyms, churches and cultural events around the city will help you find people that share common hobbies and activities. Here you gain a head start. Automatically, there is a topic of conversation and an excuse to approach someone you are interested in.
The informal atmosphere at colleges also makes it easier to start a conversation, says Kate Fox from the Social Issue Research Center. Here you know you will find a diverse group of people that share at least the same goal of education as you do. Look into joining a student group or organization. Places like the Kansas Union have plenty of
events to attend and places like the Jaybowl to hang out.
Lastly, do not overlook the small things. Get to know the person sitting next to you on the bus or in class and start a conversation. The key to meeting people is getting to know the ones already around you. You never know who you might find.
— Becky Rogers/Jayplay staff writer