Opinion
1
Kansan
Published daily since 1912
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Friday. November 14, 1997
W. David Keith / KANSAN
Squawking
Chicken: A half-fried plan to cure all societal problems
hello. My name is W. David Keith and I am a consumer of chicken. The United States poultry market is putting out some good eats, and I partake of these entrees quite frequently. Whether it be chicken nuggets, chicken patties, chicken fingers, McChickens, popcorn chicken, chicken gizzards, chicken wings (which I prefer to call Wing Dings), almond chicken, bar-
ench, chicken and chlives or just plain, crispy chicken in a bucket, the American poultry producers have never let me down. This is why I feel that the world needs to be exposed to all of our chickenly handiwork.
W. David Keith
online@alexs.com
With all the pain and suffering
Too many citizens overseas are eating hamburgers and French fries. I believe, for this world to be more upright and happy, chicken producers need to increase their chicken production by 75 percent, and they must market chicken overseas so that more humans can experience the joy of that crunchy, brown pal.
going on in Bosnia-Herzegovina and the Holy Land, foreign nations need something to take a break with. Instead of rice and hot tamales (which are very unhealthy because of their spice and unfulfilling contents), why not chicken? Imagine all the strife in the Middle East being stopped because one Iranian put down his sub-machine gun and picked up a box of the Colonel's Kentucky Fried Hot Wings. It is a future I sure can see.
Ever since I was a young boy, I have hungered for that crunchy skin of that poultry pal. At my grandfather's Kansas farm, I stared into the chicken coop at the mother hen and I saw her motion for me to enter her domain. Soon I was among the feathers and the beaks, hearing them speak and oh, how they did speak. I saw their eggs and their corn niblets, and somehow I knew that everything was going to be fine. That cold November night, I ate my first chicken, and chicken has always been there for me since. When my dog bit my cheek...when I ate that pebble of fertilizer..when my dog drowned in our pool...chicken was there, right next to my peas and mashed potatoes. Not that you even need side courses with chicken, because chicken is two meals in one! First you devour the outer skin, cooked to perfection, then you pick apart the inside and dip it into the sauce of your choice. The possibilities are endless with chicken. I know that those businessmen in the high
office towers of Worldwide Chicken Distribution Enterprises must love their job. If only I could be in their shoes.
The earth needs more chicken and less raw hamburger. Think of all the trouble cows are getting us into lately. Mad Cow disease ... tainted beef at Burger King ... those milk mustache advertisements ... cattle mutilations at the hands of the alien race known as the Dolivians. I think we all know chickens have never garnered such madness. Sure, there is always the possibility of getting salmonella poisoning from uncooked chicken. I have had it several times, and each time I return from the battle victorious. Chickens don't ask for much. They just want to make human bellies happy. Just saying the word chicken brings a smile to your face. Think about a small Haitian child, born to famine. Don't you want her to have a plate of hot, steaming chicken fingers? I know you do. So here is what we must do...together.
America must create genetically cloned chickens in labs and we must make them by the thousands. For people across the world to experience chicken, we must take chances. Some will protest this chicken experimentation, but you must let them, for it is for their own good. In two months, when the critics are stuffing their faces with the best chicken nuggets they have ever had, we will see who was right. Sometimes you must play god to get places in this land we live in today. I believe it is time that the chicken gods came for what is theirs.
To every cutting edge idea, there are precautions. If there 75 percent more chickens, we must also have 75 percent more chicken inspectors who can check and see if the chickens are properly cooked. The last thing we need is a huge, worldwide salmonella poisoning epidemic. Chicken can only blossom to its full beauty if we let it be.
To sum it all up, I like chicken. Chicken is good. In a month like November, where chicken's total nemesis turkey is getting most of the attention, I feel chicken should not be ignored. My utopia of chickenly bliss cannot be achieved without blood, sweat and tears. America must be strong. If we are going to live on this Earth together, we must all eat chicken together. .forever. Chicken will suffice for eternity. Let us stop the merciless madness of non-chicken food and bring in a new chicken-licious age of comfort and gizzards.
Kansan staff
Keith is a Morse freshman in fine arts and a freedom fighter for poultry consumption.
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Broaden your mind: Today's quote
"Listen to those around you, or they will never listen to you."
—Anonymous
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Raving
Flying solo amid a sea full of moronic drivers
Tom Brokaw and his nightly news buddies are concerned about anger on the highways. They run constant footage of people talizing, yelling, screaming and
running others off the road. Why is everybody so angry?
It's simple. Nobody knows how to drive except me.
Chris Bulgren
opinionon kansan.com
I think a fair amount of the U.S. citizenry laughs its way through driver's education and driver's license tests. Driver's aren't concerned with obeying laws, and they're definitely not concerned about your safety and sanity
It's an analogy for life and society, really. You have to know the laws and how to operate within them. You also have to be considerate of others. If you're rude to people at your job, they're going to get pissed. It's the same thing when you're behind the wheel.
Here's a few helpful hints for all of you morons who can't figure out why everyone's honking at you.
Exhibit A: Use your damn turn signals.
I know it's a big hassle to flip that little lever and turn on your signal. But this little mechanism lets other drivers know when and where you're going to turn. This is especially important at intersections, people. I can't sit around and guess whether you're turning or going straight.
Exhibit B: Drive the speed limit — sometimes even faster.
Life's too short to drive five mph under the speed limit. You may not have anything to do, but I'm usually in a hurry. I know your slow-motion life of leisure is bliss, but consider someone else. You could be really bad and drive a few mph over the speed limit. You're probably not going to get a ticket unless you're going 10 mph over the limit anyway.
Exhibit C: When driving on the highway, the left lane is the passing lane.
OK, this is a little bit more complex than the last two, but equally important. Let's say the speed limit is 70 mph, as it is in Kansas (in case you weren't sure). In order to be in the left lane, you should be traveling at least, I repeat, at least 75 mph or 80 mph. When someone pulls up to your bumper wanting to drive faster, this is your cue to move into the right-hand lane — immediately. Don't look at me in your rear view mirror like you don't know what's going on. Get out of my wav!
■ Exhibit D: You probably don't know how to drive.
If someone gets mad at you, you're probably screwing up. I had a woman run a stop sign and cut me off a few months ago. I passed her on the left and gave her a big fat honk. No yelling, no middle fingers, just a reasonable honk. This bimbo (I hope you're reading this) followed me home to inform me that there are two lanes that I can travel in. She also told me that I needed to grow up.
All right, where do I start? Instead of bragging to your friends about yelling at a really cute guy, consider that you may have screwed up. Don't do it next time.
Exhibit E: Think.
This woman is going to get run off the road and killed because she thinks she knows what she's doing. This is also analogous to life. You have to consider the opinions and feelings of others in order to survive in a structured society.
Most driving errors are related to common-sense issues. If you don't have common sense, kill yourself, stay at home or ride a bicycle in the same irresponsible manner (preferably without a helmet). Wake up, and start driving responsibly before I have a coronary, or before someone gets mad and causes you bodily harm.
Bulgen is a Lawrence graduate student in journalism.
Spice of TV experience gives viewer indigestion
'm not proud of what I've become.
My parents worked for 18 years to prevent me from falling to the depths I now occupy. I am now the lowest of the low, barely recognizable to those who
occupy. I am now the lowest recognizable to those who knew me back in the days when I was somewhat well adjusted.
I'm referring, of course, to watching TV.
My parents are to blame. 18 years ago, they hatched a plan that was years ahead of its time. Not having the technical resources to invent a V-chip, and concerned about what their yet-to-be-born children might watch, they decided to do the next-best thing. They didn't buy a TV set.
Clay McCuistion
ceilings@aasaa.com
What did I think about this? At the time I wasn't thinking about anything, except how much I enjoyed the womb. When finally I was able to think-in a manner of speaking — I just accepted it. A television set was a thing other people had.
The years passed by, and I and my brother and sister grew up in relative harmony. We didn't attempt to murder our parents, poison the town's drinking water, or sacrifice the family cat in pagan rituals. Instead, we read a lot of books, listened to the radio now and then, and developed our minds.
I made good grades, ended up at the top of my class, and was named a National Merit Finalist. As a result, I was courted by a number of fashionable colleges — Vernon's school of Cosmetology, Bertha's Veterinary University, and Harold's fast-food, middle-management seminar — but eventually decided to attend normal. mundane University of Kansas.
Once here, I was confronted with a situation I'd never known before. There was a television in the building in which I lived. Being unfamiliar with prolonged exposure to television, I
decided to experiment. What would happen, I wondered, if I ignored all of my classes, made no friends, and merely sat in front of a 26-inch color screen all day and night?
I was introduced to a wide, amazing variety of TV programming. Spice Girls videos, for instance. I became familiar with the high-quality shows on Comedy Central — such as the beloved South Park (motto: we'll show the same six episodes until you die!). The Daily Show, Whose Line is it Anyway? (motto: British comedians making jokes that might be funny if you understood what they were saying) and endless repeats of Caddyshack.
What happened, of course, is that I became a zombie.
Although I was malnourished, losing my hair, and looking strangely yellow, I resisted all attempts to pry me from the set. "The Simpsons are almost on!" I would cry, as my roommate tried to drag me away.
"Not for another six hours," he replied.
"But that's close! It's practically now, for God's sake."
"Could you at least take a bath?"
Eventually, my roommate was successful in his efforts. He unplugged the TV set, and coaxed me, incoherent and wailing, from the living room. I couldn't function for a few days, able only to mumble the Wheel of Fortune theme song under my breath.
Eventually I started to attend classes, though, and take notice of the people around me. I slowly became a person again.
That's where I am today. I'm not perfect, or fully recovered — there are large parts of my brain that have, no doubt, evaporated. I suffer from flashbacks in which all I see are gigantic Spice Girls, attempting to "Spice up my life" in gruesome ways. But I have returned from the abyss that is contemporary television ... and lived.
Many others have not been so lucky.
McCusition is an El Dorado freshman in journalism.
Feedback
Reader rankled about diversity
I am writing in response to Thursday's article by Donato Fhunsu.
Frankly, I am tired of hearing about lack of diversity, racism, and guys like you with huge chips on your shoulders. If you think that America is such a 'nightmare' — well, then leave. We are the most friendly nation in the world to immigrants and minorities. The government, and the University gives more financial
breaks to minorities than anyone else. Maybe you should quit wasting you life away and actually live instead of seeking out racism. It is just a terrible loss for you to come to America just to bitch about it. If you stopped and looked around you will find that the University is pretty close to heaven. Yeah sure, there still are some racist people in this great nation, but 90% are not. Take the chip off your shoulder and try to meet those 90%. Don't look for problems. Tough news buddy, you are not
going to change the racist minds of some individuals. Not with a multicultural class, or articles like this one. Awareness is raised all of the time about minorities. I look around right now in the computer lab and I am the only white person in here. Please don't take it out on everyone, and do not bash America. Maybe you and I can sit down, have a man to man, get some salsa and take that chip off your shoulder.
Trent Thompson Nevada, Mo. junior