FEATURE
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Photo by Andrew Hoxey
Lifetime legacy: Leah Cullen, Overland Park sophomore (but), has begun to search for her birthmother, Shelley (right, pictured with her mother), who she has some information about but has not heard from since her adoption as a baby.
QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU SEARCH
What am I hoping for? Searching for a birthparent can bring closure into an adoptree's life, says Nancy Bean, director of Adoption Services and Counseling for Families. Inc Sometimes just see someone who looks like you is enough.
Who am I going to find? Records don't always contain exact locations, so it may be difficult to track down your birthparents. They may also be in financial difficulty or not together anymore. It's important to evaluate these possibilities before reuniting.
What am I expecting? Sometimes birthparents have no desire to meet their children. Being prepared for this reality beforehand will make it easier if you are disappointed with the outcome.
What might the reunion be like? Bean says adoptees need to go into the reunion with an open mind, but should understand that sometimes there isn't an immediate connection. She says that you may not know what the chemistry will be like until you meet.
What kind of relationship do I want? Not only must you be prepared for the idea that the birthparents may not want to communicate, but you should also decide how much you're willing to keep in touch. Being in each other's lives is a decision that should be agreed upon by both parties.
Contributed photo
relationship and medical history.
Ever since first grade, Cullen says she was obsessed with the idea of meeting her birthmother. Patricia had been sending Shelley a letter once per year, and at 8 years old, Cullen asked if she could send one, too. Cullen began writing Shelley letters, hoping she was doing well and telling her about their similar looks and passion for volleyball. The letters were sent to the agency and forwarded to Shelley. Shelley didn't write back, which was hard for Cullen. Patricia explained that it might be difficult for her to respond because of the emotional difficulty of being in contact with a child she couldn't keep.
Undeterred by a lack of communication, Cullen remained hopeful. She says she had a countdown to her 18th birthday when she could begin the search. But two years later Cullen hadn't made any attempt to obtain her original birth certificate or adoption files. She says she became busy with high school club volleyball
and entering college, and didn't make time for it. "It became less important the older I got," she says.
Now a sophomore in college, Cullen wants to pursue her search. She is planning on going to the Kansas Bureau of Vital Statistics in Topeka to get her original birth certificate. On this birth certificate are the full names of her birthparents, Shelley and Todd, as well as the name given to her at birth, Ashley LaMere. Cullen thinks that seeing the birth certificate will make her adoption seem more "real."
Cullen also wants to obtain her adoption files, which are kept at Catholic Charities of Northeast Kansas, now located in Kansas City, Kan., and plans to get them before searching for her birthmother this summer. Catholic Charities says that it can help adopttees in two ways. First, it can provide non-identifying information, which may include medical, genetic and social history, but includes no names or locations. Second, the
agency can perform a search for a $100 fee, but does not guarantee it will be able to find the birthparents.
Nancy Bean, director of Adoption and Counseling Services for Families, Inc., in Overland Park, says that it's important for adoptees to question their fears and expectations before setting up a meeting. Sometimes people get caught up in an idealized image of who their birthfamily is. But adoptees should set boundaries and not let their fears stand in the way of a potential reunion. "The intensity is a little like falling in love," she says. Adoptees need to be prepared for the rush of emotions they may encounter.
Even though she was obsessed with getting her "picture perfect situation" when she was younger, Cullen says she gradually began to realize "it's not all about you" when searching for a birthparent. After watching an episode of MTV's "True Life: I Am Adopted," Cullen says she began to
understand that giving up a child is a painful thing for a birthparent, and that a reunion might bring back devastating memories.
Cullen says she used to be selfish in wanting to communicate and have a relationship with her birthmother, but sees that now she could be storming in on someone's life. Bean says that you don't want to bulloze through the process, but should lightly. Cullen agrees, and would prefer to initiate contact the old fashioned way by sending a letter. "I don't think I'll call her. I think she'd drop dead on the floor," she says.
The transition from a romantic ideal to what could be a hurtful reality has been a gradual one for Cullen. She says she's grateful for how she was raised, being able to attend a private Catholic high school and staying in nice hotels for her club volleyball tournaments. Cullen says she doesn't necessarily desire a relationship with her birthmother because of her strong
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