MANUAL
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MIXING IT UP
Mixed-gender living is common during college years and often looked at with question. But are those questions warranted?
// PATRICK DE OLIVEIRA
Living with roommates always has its share of difficulties. It may be that one roommate is a slob while the other is a neat freak, or that one throws loud parties every other night while the other is trying to study for the LSAT.
And then, it may be that one is a woman and the other a man.
But is living with someone of the opposite sex that much different than more traditional living arrangements?
Photo illustration by Adam Buhler
Awkward encounter. Mixed-gender living situations can lend themselves to some surprising moments, but overall are not much different than same-sex living arrangements. In both, it is important to establish boundaries and communicate with roommates.
Although mixed-gender living arrangements are not allowed in the residence halls, it's not uncommon to find them in off-campus housing. Students who decide to mix it up face the same challenges as same-gender roommates, but sometimes there is an extra twist.
DIVIDING UP THE SPACES
Lauren Braun shares a home with two women and one man. Braun, St. Louis senior, says that the way the house is organized makes mixedgender living easy. All three women live on the second floor, while Josh Shore, Lake of the Ozarks, Mo., senior, lives on the first floor. "It's kind of girls' quarters upstairs and guys' quarters downstairs," Braun says.
The bathrooms are also divided, one for Shore and the other for Braun and her female roommates. But the divided quarters haven't prevented some awkward moments. Shore says he's still surprised by bras and female hygiene products living around the house.
Taylor Smith, like Shore, lives with three women. But in this case they all share the same bathroom. Smith, Fulton, Mo., junior, doesn't see a problem with sharing the shower. "Normally I'd think girls would care more," he says. To help avoid any conflict, they all have separate spaces in the shower for their hygiene products.
Having different bathrooms for men and women helps prevent conflict, but not everybody has that option.
"It help a lot that he's really clean," says Hannah Croisant, Overland Park junior and one of Smith's roommates.
But even if Smith does a good job in keeping things clean, he hasn't always been that way. Smith says he was pretty messy and disorganized for the first weeks after he moved in, but that he picked up his act after he got yelled at by one of his female roommates. Smith says guys are generally messier than girls.
Shore agrees, but says that he seems to be tidier now that he lives with women. Dishes no longer pile up in the sink and he tends to pick up after himself.
Dennis Dailey, professor emeritus of social welfare and a gender-issues researcher, says that
this sort of change is normal in mixed-gender living situations. He gives the example of residence halls. All-male dorms tend to get systematically trashed, whereas in all-female dorms things run a little "loosey-goosey." But when you mix the two, people of both sexes clean up their acts.
PARENTAL REACTION
Braun was a little scared of telling her parents that she was sharing a house with a man, but her worries turned out to be unfounded. Because Shore was to be on a separate floor, Braun's parents were comfortable with her living arrangement. Now, she says, they like the idea of a man being around the house in case something happens. Shore says the only thing his parents did once he told them he was living with three women was raise their eyebrows.
Croisant had an easy time telling her parents as well. She says they trusted her judgment and knew she wouldn't live with someone who made her uncomfortable.
People who decide to enter into
mixed-gender living situations are typically mature, Dailey says. This means young people who aren't individuated and are still highly dependent on their parents usually won't even try living with someone of the opposite sex, and those who are mature and independent probably won't have much convincing to do.
THE BENEFITS OF MIXED LIVING
Gender differences have not been the source of much conflict between Croisant and Smith. Instead, both say that they have benefited from rooming with someone of the opposite sex. Croisant says living with a man has made her realize that sometimes women trouble themselves with a lot of trifles.
Another benefit, Dailey says, is that mixed-living situations usually neutralize gender stereotypes. Cooking and cleaning are shared equally, and so are other house duties. People who experience this type of living arrangement also become more respectful and understanding of the opposite sex's needs and wants.
SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
Mixed-gender living arrangements are still somewhat controversial because the world we live in is at the same time sexually uptight and sexually curious, Dailey says. People find it
HOW TO MAKE LIVING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX EASY
difficult to believe a man and a woman can have a platonic non-romantic relationship, much less live together.
Most of the problems mixed-gender roommates face are similar to those of any living situation — they stem from an attempt to conciliate different personalities under the same roof. But one potential problem with mixed-gender roommates is one roommate developing romantic feelings for another roommate.
Dailey says if these feelings are kept a secret and not talked about, tension will build up and hurt the relationship. These unresolved feelings often result in jealousy and overprotection. The solution is simple: communicate, communicate, communicate. Jp
ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES
Making it clear what's unacceptable helps prevent anyone from getting offended or uncomfortable in the future.
COMMUNICATE
Discuss issues as soon as they start to arise, especially if romantic feelings start appearing.
HAVE FUN
Living with someone of the opposite sex is a great opportunity to get to know them better and realize that men and women are not that different after all.
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