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kansas in heat (print edition) // REKINDLING THE FLAME
Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
I'd like to start opening up this column to you, dear readers, to answer your specific questions regarding sex and relationships. You can e-mail me at kansasinbeat@yahoo.com.
Here's one question I often get:
Lately sex with my boyfriend has become a bit stale. Is there a sure-fire way to jump start our love life?
I don't know if there is a sure-fire, bound-to-work-100-percent-of-the-time technique for all couples, but I do have some ideas that might work.
For a romantic relationship lacking fire, I recommend sharing your sexual fantasies with each other. I don't care who you are, everyone has a sexual fantasy that he or she would love to come true. Talk to each other about your fantasies and act these fantasies out. Some fantasies might be illegal and others might involve elaborate objects or places that you don't have access to (such as having sex in the Taj Mahal with the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad rooting you on). But try to do the best you can to accommodate your partner. One of the key components used in sexual therapy sessions is getting individuals to
discuss their sexual fantasies to determine what really turns him or her on. Try acting out a scene from your favorite movie, television show or play. Allow yourself to let go. Relationship and sex therapist Carol Altman says fantasy allows you to vary your behavior and sources of pleasure, making sex more passionate and fulfilling. So many of us feel embarrassed to talk about our sexual fantasies, which is too bad. Sexual communication leads to relational satisfaction.
The next suggestion I have for you is to incorporate sex toys into your sex life. One of the first things that I noticed when I began my research about sex and sex therapy was the mention and presence of sex toys by so many scholars and sexual therapists. A University of California study found that 10 percent of American couples incorporate sex toys during sex. I strongly believe that the actual number is higher than that.
Using a vibrator on a women's clitoris while you are having vaginal intercourse is probably one of the more common techniques used, but there are far more. There is a sex toy out there for everyone, and they don't have to be elaborate to be effective. Something as simple as a cloth
Mike. Anderson, Dell-
wood, Minn., graduate
student, is the host of
Kansas in Heat, a talk
show about sex and
relationships that airs
Wednesdays at 8 p.m.
on KJHK, 90.7lm and at
kjhk.org.
*THEOPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSAR-
ily REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY KANSAS IN HEAT IS
NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFES-
SIONAL HELP
blindfold can become just what you need to spice things up. Closing your eyes will open up your other senses and you will be aroused more easily. Plus, it adds an erotic nature to the moment. Try having one person wear a blindfold. It will be sensual for both parties.
If these don't work try investing in ambience, using sex games or books, giving and getting massages and making sex a priority in your relationship. You deserve great sex in your life, and these are some of the ways you can get it.
// MIKE ANDERSON
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