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kansas in heat (print edition) // DOWN WITH PICK-UP LINES
Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
I want to be as clear as I can with this statement: Pick-up lines do not work.
I've read all the books that the pick-up community has to offer and not one of these methods advocates using pick-up lines. These cheesy, clichéd phrases come off as creepy and often uncomfortable. They are not to be used.
Though I don't agree with some of the advice in these pick-up books, I do believe that most contain valid tips on how to hit on people correctly. I'll paraphrase some of that information here.
1) Have confidence. Confidence is attractive and powerful. It helps you stay in control of your emotions and enjoy the moment. Your looks have little to do with your ability to pick up who you want. Don't sit and stare at someone for a long time thinking you should go up and hit on him or her. Within the first couple of seconds of noticing someone, go up and make contact. Don't fear rejection.
2) Build rapport — not just with the person you're hitting on, but everyone in his or her group. Engage with everyone in a group. Don't just single out one person among the pack. Talk to everyone and show enthusiasm. For example, the friends of the person that you want some alone time with will not let him or her go unless they feel some level of connection with you. When you talk to people you should always be building trust and comfort. Trust + Comfort = Rapport. This is why pick-up lines don't work — they build neither. Show people you have value and establish rapport.
3) Show interest. Bestselling author Neil Strauss, who bills himself as "the world's greatest pick-up artist," taught me the last item in building a strong pick-up foundation directly in a personal e-mail. The lesson he passed on was simple: "The guy who succeeds at the game is the one who goes out and makes other people feel good about themselves."
Whatever tactic to picking-up women or men you use, know it is important to be confident.
build rapport and radiate positive energy. Flirting, small talk and initiating romantic relationships are very fun things to do. Enjoy yourself while doing them; don't be nervous. The rewards far outweigh the risks.
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