THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2012
PAGE 5A
opinion
I look like walking death today Thank you lottery.
Are we seriously to the point where we are considering single-gender bathrooms a "safety issue"? I'm not hating here, but that's ridiculous.
Text your FFA submissions to 785-289-8351 or at kansan.com
Just how many times have you been proposed to, FFA editor? Editor's Note: Zero during my tenure.
Oh you still wear your letter jacket? Classic freshman.
I like my man in sweats and a hoodie, thank you very much.
I want to see a pole dancer on the SafeBus.
To the ladies of KU: thank you for wearing yoga pants so often, keep up the good work.
Ummm. Why did I just watch the iTunes visualizer for two hours?
Drunk you only writes phenomenal essays when you read them drunk. Does your sober professor agree with your genius?
Fedoras are cool but fezzes are cooler.
It's one of those mornings where I wish my coffee was doused with Baileys.
Definitely wore only one hoop earring today on accident. I felt like a pirate so it was pretty cool, I guess.
I honestly and truly believe that Diet Coke is the solution to all my problems.
Sometimes I just need a hug.
I think human bodies need turn signals.
Nooooo. All of the comfy chairs in Anschutz are taken. Where am I supposed to nap?
I am robot and proud.
I like to think of crows as the frat packs of the sky.
I'm waiting for all these girls to gain the freshman 15 so I actually have a chance.
There should be a weight limit on leggings.
Some skepticism over the Mayans
WORLD OVER
The end is near, my friends. School is starting to wind down, and by the time you read this you'll most likely be ready to curl up in a fetal position and cry yourself into a sleep so deep your parents will think it's a coma. You're probably just now starting to think about that term paper due next week; you know the one you've had literally all semester to think about? All the hope and promise of the coming break sees into your study habits, causing you to spend more time pricing out trips to Mexico with your "besties" rather than focusing on that final exam that's worth 30 percent of your grade. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, right? Wrong.
Dead wrong.
Just in case you've been living under a rock for the past four years
(which now that I'm saying that, I think of all the graduate students that probably have) the world is going to end on Dec. 21. At least, that's what the Mayans predicted. Which means all the stressing you did over passing your Western Civ class that you never attended is now just wasted time. All the planning and arguing you did with your friends over whether to go to Cabo or Rio for that week-long bender financed by Mom and Dad doesn't matter anymore, because even if you get there before Dec. 21, you'll still die in Mexico. And let's be honest, no one wants that.
Now before you panic, break up with your significant other and sell all your belongings for money to live it up in Vegas for the next few weeks, let's consider the possibilities.
The first possibility is that may
be nothing will happen at all. The ancient prediction prophesized by the Mayans could be nothing but a sensationalized misinterpretation of what probably was some poor bloke's menial pre-capitalized job. Maybe Joe, the old calendar scribe, got tired of etching dates into a calendar thinking. "Why do I have to write out a calendar for the next 2,000 years? Surely someone else will pick up where I left off!" Unfortunately for Joe, no one did, and now we're all going to die.
Another positive outcome could be that given the introduction of modern time keeping and updated calendars, we've already passed the dreaded Dec. 21, 2012, date and we're all still alive. Many scientists have said that this is likely the case, and that there's nothing to worry about. I don't remember the names of these scientists, per se, but I read about it on the Internet so trust me on this one.
Then again, the last possibility might be the Mayans were correct, and some God-awful catastrophe strikes man off the face of the earth like in that awesome movie starring John Cusack. I can only hope that if the Earth's tectonic plates start to shift that violently that I'll have someone witty as him by my side as everything hits the fan.
But if the world does come to
an end, how will it happen? Will it be a violent climate change? Will it be a giant meteor that strikes the Earth? Will dragons come out of hiding deep beneath London's Underground and reclaim the lands? Will Jake Gyllenhaal, Bruce Willis, or Matthew McConaughey be there to save us from certain death, defying the odds, and at many times science to save our lives? We can only pray.
There's really no way to tell how the dice will fall, but you can rest assured that no matter the outcome there's nothing we can really do about it. Unless of course I run into Tom Cruise and we stave off the alien invasion together. And if that's the case, you're welcome in advance.
Crawford is senior majoring in journalism from Olathe.
Only shop on Black Friday
CULTURE
I think there are some things that should remain sacred in this world and Thanksgiving is definitely on that list. It was a bit shocking to learn stores were opening up at 8 p.m., not on Black Friday but on Black Thursday (aka Thanksgiving).
This is what I think of when I hear the word Thanksgiving: turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, family, friends and storytelling. I do not think of leaving all of this behind at 8 p.m. to be surrounded by people I hardly know in order to save a few bucks on cheap electronics. I save that for midnight for true Black Friday shopping like any self-respecting American.
The Legends Outlets in Kansas City had a disc jockey, played
According to ShopperTrak, a company that measures shoppers at retail locations, Black Friday wasn't as successful as last year. Retail sales were down but more people showed up. I'm no expert but people like having different options. If my family decides to pass out after our turkey feast and go into a tryptophan coma, I can venture out with friends and have fun doing some late-night shopping; that's exactly what I did this year too.
music, and the coffee shops stayed open. The coffee shop was one of my first stops of course but it this year was one of my favorite experiences doing some Black Friday shopping. The disc jockey not only played some good music but also announced the specials that different stores promoted during this shopping frenzy.
I did not meet up with friends until a little after midnight but I could tell some of the employees were definitely not happy to be working. Some of the stores opened on Thanksgiving at 8 p.m. and I know if I had to work on Thanksgiving, I would be in a bad mood too. If a company treats their employees well, it will keep workers happy, they will provide better customer service and shoppers will come back because of the pleasant experience. Now granted, nobody shows up for Black Friday shopping for
the customer service but I don't think it bodes well for a company to make their employees work on Thanksgiving.
This was the first year that I drove past a grocery store and saw it open with cars in the parking lot. I had to do a double take and I thought to myself, "What is going on?" When did this greed in America begin? I am not sure half of Americans could survive in European countries because the grocery stores overseas typically close around 8 p.m. If you need to grocery shop, the best option is a small convenient store. The lifestyle is different in Europe but Americans could learn a few things about enjoying life a little more and to not be so consumed by consumption. I think the moment we start thinking of Thanksgiving as the day where we can get a good deal on shopping is the day we start to get it wrong. Take time to enjoy the holidays and have fun. Christmas is around the corner so try it out, you might like it.
Montano is a senior majoring in journalism from Topeka. Follow him on Twitter @MikeMOaneOME.
SCHMIDT HAPPENS
HUMOR
By Marshall Schmidt
Leftover turkey has other uses
Well, it been a week since Thanksgiving, and like many of you, I still have leftover turkey and trimmings in the fridge. You might be tempted to turn it all into turkey sandwiches or stuffing milkshakes like you did last year, but if you want to get more creative with your leftovers, I've got some great ideas for you to try.
A "STUFF-A-SKETCH"
Who didn't love messing around on an Ecth-a-Sketch as a kid? I sure didn't; the knobs would always get stuck, and whatever I was trying to draw would end up looking like the lovechild of a Picasso painting and a circuit board. So I would always sneak off to the kitchen instead and write messages in the leftover stuffing with a knife. If you do this surreptitiously enough, you can get people to believe that your house is haunted and your leftovers have been possessed by an angry poltergeist.
FAKE VOMIT
The last couple weeks of classes are always stressful, and sometimes you need an excuse to get away for a few hours. If you mix stuffing and cranberry sauce together, smuggle the resulting slop into your mouth while the professor isn't looking, and spit it out in the messiest way possible, you'll have no problems with leaving a room or clearing it.
For a more effective variant, leave the cranberry sauce sitting on the counter overnight. If you're lucky, this should attract the germs you need to make some...
If you're already doing the "possessed stuffing" schick, what better way to complement it than with a little Exorcist-style projectile puking?
REAL VOMIT
A "WISHBONG"
Sometimes, no matter how well you've seasoned your bird, you get the feeling that one important herb is still missing. If you've got a nearly intact turkey in the deep freeze, you can remedy this problem by hollowing that sucker out, adding some PVC pipe and having a smoke with it. Plus, by the time you've finished up and the munchies have set in, your "smoked turkey" should be warm enough to make a passable snack.
Don't be afraid to do this with your holiday birds in December, too; even if you don't smoke, a properly prepared birdbong would make a great gift for your relatives in Colorado!
EARPLUGS
Radio stations start playing their Christmas music earlier every year, and, as you know, there's nothing worse than getting "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" stuck in your head before the first of December rolls around. Well, I guess you could say that getting two small chunks of turkey stuck in your head would be worse, but I personally think homemade turkey earplugs are a wonderful way to block out those cheesy carols until it starts to look a little more like Christmas. Be sure to swap them out for a fresh pair every couple of days, and make sure your friends know that, if they need to tell you something while the plugs are in, they should either text you or write it on your new "Stuff-a-Sketch."
May is a sophomore majoring in German and journalism from Derby.
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